posted
As I start to write this, I don't know that I will actually post it as I tend not to post personally thoughts very often. However, I want to get it out and see where it goes.
I am getting married in May. I feel like I announce this all the time here and that it is probably repetitive but I also don't feel like a regular who people know so I want to always include relevant info. Perhaps, I should try an introduction thread or let this serve as that as well. I am 23 and currently live in Michigan. My fiance and I both went to college at the same school. We dated for three years and got engaged after he finished school. Right after the engagement, he got an awesome job in DC and also started grad school at the University of Maryland. So since this fall, we have had a long distance relationship.
It has always been my intention to follow Paul where he settled and find a job in that area. I had to stay in Michigan to finish up school. However, as of now, there is no need for me to physically be in Michigan. I have an apartment until mid-May. My complex won't extend my lease for a few weeks till the end of May when the wedding occurs because they want to be able to lease to a full summer leaser. I don't want to pay the extra 1500 dollars for an apartment that I won't be using but for about 10 days.
So, the plan was to move me out to DC the first week of May. This seems logical because it is when we were planning on starting a lease on our new place our there anyways. This seemed like a smooth enough plan but has not hit some roadblocks.
Paul's parents are not happy about this plan. His mom is very Catholic and is opposed to us living together before marriage. I understand this, but it is only about 2 weeks. I am going out there in a week for a similar length of time to go apartment shopping and to this she has no objections. I can honestly see no difference. I feel like she is worried about what other people might think but really the length of time is so short few people will even know. His Dad sent Paul a very long email asking questions and expressing concerns about the move and all of our plans. He offered several other alternatives for us to consider. His parents have been very good to me throughout our engagement and have helped tremendously with the wedding. I am concerned however about this email. I feel like when and where I move is not something that is open for a lengthy debate with others.
I feel like the choices we make should be our own and we should be free to make some of our own mistakes. Part of me wants to respond to the email and answer the questions and do my best to allay concerns. Especially because we would like their help in storing some items in Michigan during the period in between moving and the wedding. Another part of me feels that we need to make it clear we are in this together and are not going to justify choices to other people.
I worry that this could balloon out of control. I have always been very independent. I have paid for all of my own expenses since I graduated high school. Paul on the other hand, has had help financially from his parents his whole life. We are in a position to support ourselves financially but his parents are always offering up money to provide us with things we would not be able to otherwise afford. I know they are well intentioned and simply want us to have more than they did starting out but I love being able to choose for myself and not have to justify and worry about what others will think. I have a hard time explaining to Paul the downside of using their contributions and honestly I get caught up sometimes too in how many lovely upgrades we have gotten from our originally wedding plans.
I am grateful to have inlaws that support me and are involved in my life and want to help. I just don't know when to draw the line between too much help and friendly parental support. I never had to deal with this with my parents. I want to be able to ask for their help when we have a concern and want advice from people who have been there but I don't want to feel obligated to check in on all my life decisions with them.
This has gotten really super long. I apologize but I don't know how to make it all more succinct. I guess I am just looking for opinions and experiences dealing with parents who are really involved in the lives of their children. I am cursing a blessing or inviting the wolves into my home. I would love any advice as to how we should respond to the email and how much of an attempt we should make at alleviating a long list of concerns. Finally, I want to say a hi to everyone. I've been here for several years actually lurking and frequently losing my password and starting on a new name. I really enjoy this community.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
*hugs* it's a tough situation. At a certain point you've got to draw the line. My speculation is that if they are like this now, it's not going to get any better. It's probably good you will be far away from them, so that it isn't as possible to be as nosy.
Is it so cost probitive to pay for storage in the mean time.
I really, really think that this has to be a joint decision between you and Paul. What is he saying? If he's not perhaps it should be discussed in the context of premarital counselling. Cause working this out now, may end up setting a precedent for at least your early years of marriage.
And if they are going to use money like a baseball bat to maniuplate their grandkids later on top of you two, it's definitely gonna be awkward.
posted
Thanks for the hugs. We are working on a joint decision at the moment. He is for going ahead with our current moving plans regardless of his parents feelings. However, he wants to respond to the email and try and explain and answer all of their questions. I am a people pleaser so part of me wants to simply use one of their alternatives just to put the issue to rest but I know that that is a terrible precedent to set. The other part of me feels like if we are going to upset them anyways we might as well go all the well and simply respond that we have made this choice together and have heard and understand their concerns but feel this is the best decision for us.
Paul sees no harm in attempting to persuade them. I guess I just don't see why they feel they should get to be persuaded. We weren't asking for permission to move in to our new apartment simply informing them of plans.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote: I have a hard time explaining to Paul the downside of using their contributions
I suggest you print out your post and show it to Paul. I think you explained yourself very well and it's important that he understands how you feel.
As to the specific situation, I would lean on the side of making your future in-laws happy. If you could move all of your stuff into his place and then simply sleep somewhere else for the ten days, it's clear that they would appreciate it. It's also a relatively small sacrifice. Starting off your marraige by fighting with the in-laws does not sound pleasant. Once you're married, I think you'd be in a better position to establish your independence.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I don't think explaining your reasons to your in-laws is going to hurt. There isn't any downside for you to doing it, and to not do so without a good reason would seem to me, if I were his parents, like you were doing it to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you should save making a battle of something like this until such a time as it's really important.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
When my son married his bride had been on her own for a long time. She had put herself through school and had some debt. Student loans are one thing, but some of this was credit card debt which had been used for living expenses. We paid off her credit card with the stipulation that they not do that again. Other than that, we have tried really hard to let them live. It's hard. There are things we have learned over the years, that they will have to learn for themselves. My Daughter-in-law has developed the sweetest way to bat her eye-lashes at me, smile and remind me that "I do not have a vote" on the item under discussion. I love her for it. I value (stand in awe of) the maturity that they have helped each other to develop. Love your husband's parents for what they have done for him and you. But go and make your own life together.
posted
When I moved in with Christy, her father cut her off financially -- she was still a college student -- and my mom promised never to come to the wedding. I understood and respected his decision, and recognized my mom's meaningless threat for what it was.
In the years since, I think they've all -- even my mom, although it's been hardest for her -- come to understand that while we hear and listen to all their advice, they don't get any VOTES.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
You're already getting good advice on the housing and e-mail situation, so I'm going to focus on the accepting financial help piece.
If they want to help and are offering that help as a gift, accepting it does not (IMO) compromise your independence. Accept graciously. If the help is offerred with conditions, or if they use it as leverage to try to get you to do things their way then decline (graciously) any further offers of help.
It also sounds to me like you and Paul have some differences in how close your relationships with your families are. If that isn't something that's already been discussed in your pre-marital counseling, I urge you to bring it up.
Good luck with your move, wedding, and marriage!
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think it's going to be really hard to be a mother-in-law. For 18 or 20 years, *I* am the woman in my son's life and giving that up will take real strength of will. I can see it now, even though he's only 13.
That said, Tom's totally right. Work it out with Paul to make the decision that's right for your partnership, and be kind but firm with your inlaws.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Good luck with your in-laws. I think what the others have said makes sense. One of the things that always frustrates me about watching sitcom/dramas on TV is that most of the relationship problems that people get into would never have become real problems if they had just talked about it and been honest.
Explain your side to your in-laws. Try to persuade them that moving in early is the best option. Let them try to persuade you that it isn't. Just make sure they know that while you will listen to their advice, the decision rests with you (and Paul).
On another note, I'll be making the same move (Michigan to DC) at the same time (first week of May). It's the end of the school year for me. Let me know if you want help moving in. I'm good w/boxes. Posts: 2149 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
It makes perfect sense to me for Catholic parents to try to help their son realize there may be some more moral choices available in this situation. They haven't threatened anything or thrown their weight around (other than being parents with advice) and it would suprise me if they didn't try to help their son in this way. That is if his family is anything like my family. I don't think this necessarily means that they will butt in after marriage.
And you guys have the final decision, hopefully they realize that and will accept the situation gracefully. It might be better to simply email back and state that you guys have reviewed the suggestions, reviewed your decision, and decided this is the way it is going to be. Or maybe it would be better to address the concerns in more depth. It depends on what his family interactions are usually like, I suppose.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Theaca, I understand the Catholicism to a point. They have never objected to a previous plan that I would keep the apartment until the end of May and that Paul would come out here a week before the wedding to help me do last minute details. I am only planning to spend an additional 6 days there then he would have spent here. Essentially, the objection seems to be that it is "our" place rather than just a visit. I don't really get the moral difference.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks all for the advice. I am really just trying to figure out the best way to communicate that we appreciate feedback and are listening to their advice but they don't get a vote and we are capable adults.
Miro: Thanks for the offer of help. I have a fiance and his two football player brothers to help so I am in good shape.
Dkw: We have been to premarital counseling already. We had to do it early due to fitting into long distance schedules. We do have a very different relationship with our parents. In a lot of ways its been good for us. We can turn to my parents when we want a confidence boost that we can work together to make plans and solve problems. His parents are really helpful when it comes to someone actually providing input on the details. We do have to work though on our expectations of each other regarding parental interactions. We talk about it a lot and I think have made pretty good progress. I am sure we will still be trying to work out all the details years from now too.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
They may simply be assuming that living together = sleeping together prior to marriage, and don't know how to delicately bring up that exact concern, so instead are going for the broader "living". My XBIL's wife's family is also strict Catholic and Rich and Martha went through very similar discussions/rants in the month or so leading up to their wedding - the new house was ready (new construction), her lease was up on her apartment, and he was still living with his parents. Her parents didn't want her in the new house alone but didn't want Rich there until after the ceremony. They finally caved in when they saw two separate bedrooms set up on opposite ends of the hallway.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
There is also something symbolic to many people about forming the new household after the wedding. Kind of like not seeing the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony or not finding out the gender of a baby until the birth. There's no rational reason for either of those, but there's an emotional investment there way out of proportion to the surface facts.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks for the insight. I can understand that I guess. I don't know that living together is indicative of sleeping together. It seems likely that either the ship has already sailed or the couple would wait the last 10 days if they had wanted to make that commitment. I refuse to lie to them about the sleeping situation. I prefer a don't ask don't tell policy so that could be a hard fear to reassure but perhaps I could agree to sleep separately if it would put the issue to rest.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
You could handle it the way my wife did, and say, "Mom, you DO know we've already had sex, right?"
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
LOl that was the strategy with my own Mom and Dad but I have a feeling that his mom would have a heart attack on the spot if that was ever said outloud in her presence
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by dkw: There is also something symbolic to many people about forming the new household after the wedding. Kind of like not seeing the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony or not finding out the gender of a baby until the birth. There's no rational reason for either of those, but there's an emotional investment there way out of proportion to the surface facts.
Yeah. Just before our wedding an old family friend of my mother-in-law asked in all seriousness whether Tony would be moving back "home" (ie, his parent's house) for the night before the wedding.
This is after we'd been living together for three years and had bought a house together 4 months previously.
Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, Jenni and I live together before we were married, but she went to her mom's house the night before our wedding...it just seemed to be the right thing to do at the time, I guess, and we aren't even Catholic. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'll move to D.C. when I get a job (*crosses fingers*), and when I do, I will be moving into the apartment we will be living in after the wedding. Matt will stay where he is - at his uncle's house.
I think that when it comes to practical matters like the difference between appearances and the price of a hotel room and storage for two weeks, practicality should definitely win out. Staying in the same house doesn't mean sleeping together. If the objection to y'all sleeping together, I don't think you staying in a hotel will prevent that from happening.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
