posted
Lately I've been messaging people on some dating websites in an effort to find a girlfriend (and having no luck), and I've been wondering: how different in age do you think a man and a woman can be and have a romantic relationship that's likely to work?
I'm 27, and while I first consider women close to my own age, I've gone anywhere between 21 and 45.
(I don't want this thread to just be about me; feel free to talk about anything on this subject.)
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posted
I'm 21. My boyfriend is 28. This is the longest-lasting relationship I've had, plus the most healthy. I think it depends on the people. I know a girl who is dating a guy who is like 40, and they're really happy together. So while they're probably an exception, it's possible.
posted
Depends a great deal on both the people and their age differences, both relative and absolute.
For example, two hypothetical people, Jim and Jane, probably have a better shot making a relationship work if they're within X years of one another. However, as they age, X can increase and still put them in the same basic social circle/generational group.
I'm 26, and I wouldn't date an ordinary* 19 year old. But if I was a 49 year old divorcee, I wouldn't have a problem dating a 42 year old woman. Same age difference, but it's suddenly not nearly as big a deal.
There are a lot of reasons why this seems to hold true for the majority; however, I don't really have time to get into them now.
*never say never and all that -- I've yet to meet one that I would date, but if someone truly exceptional came along I wouldn't let their age stop me.
But short answer -- it depends on the people.
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posted
I think there's a difference between someone who is in a relationship with someone significantly older or younger and a person who exclusively is in relationships with people older or younger.
But what everybody else said, it's a case by case basis.
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posted
Well said, JT. Combine that with Javert's point and you pretty well sum up my thoughts on the issue.
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posted
They say that the rule of thumb to determine the youngest person that you can date without it being weird is divide your own age by 2 and add 7.
ie. I'm 22 so the youngest person I should date is 18. If I was 40 the youngest person I should date would be 27. etc.
I have no idea where that rule of thumb came from, and it obviously doesn't work if you're younger than 14.
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posted
I'm 20 and haven't done a lot of dating. At this point, I wouldn't date someone less than 18 or more than 21. In a few years, I'd go quite a bit older.
I think the other end of Neo-Dragon's thing is multiply by two and subtract seven. By that he could date a 37 year old.
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posted
It is all relative. I have a good friend who is 25 and is dating a 55 year old woman and they have been going strong for five years. But that is not the norm. I always gave myself a ten year window when dating. 5 up and 5 down and seems to work for me but it also is in my comfort zone and that is what you need to discover..What is in your comfort zone. Would you have anything in common with a 40 year old. Maybe if you are the youngest of many children so you would have been exposed to their generation of activities. But for the most part, I would say 10 years is all of a gap I would feel comfortable in.
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quote:Originally posted by neo-dragon: They say that the rule of thumb to determine the youngest person that you can date without it being weird is divide your own age by 2 and add 7.
ie. I'm 22 so the youngest person I should date is 18. If I was 40 the youngest person I should date would be 27. etc.
I have no idea where that rule of thumb came from, and it obviously doesn't work if you're younger than 14.
Thats the rule I've always heard. I could date a 19 year old, but I ended up marrying a 21 year old so I have escaped the dating game completely, believe me I am happy to have left it.
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posted
My current boyfriend is about 8 years younger than me, and my last was 13 years older. So apparently I have a 21 year range. It really, really depends on the person. There are plenty of 25 year olds I wouldn't date, and likewise 46 year olds. But there are also plenty I would. . . there are a lot of things more important than age.
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posted
As sort of said above, I think it goes person to person. My wife's family freaked out when her 22 year old cousin was going to his girlfriend's high school senior prom. He is now in jail for molesting pre-teens. I also have a good friend who has been married for 5 years, with about 5 years between them. They appear to be in a very happy and healthy relationship.
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My grandmother and grandfather were 22 years apart in age (and had 8 children). My aunt and uncle were 12 years apart. My sister and her husband were 17 years apart in age (the guys are older in all these cases).
Those are the ones that worked. I have very seldom dated anyone less than 10 years older than me at any given time -- but since I haven't made any of them work long term, YMMV.
(I don't think I have ever dated any man younger than me)
posted
My current boyfriend is 8 years younger than I am. Our age difference bothers me more than it bothers him. But we're both single parents, we work in the same field, and have for about the same amount of time. And we have other common interests.
My former husband was 14 years older than I. I guess it goes without saying that that didn't work out so well, but our problems really weren't related to our age differences.
I don't like that (x-7)2 idea... according to that, I'd be all right dating a man in his 70's... I don't think so. Posts: 2069 | Registered: May 2001
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Oh yeah, my parents are 10 years apart. When they married, my dad was 45, and my mom was 35. My dad had already been married once and had two teenage children. They had me two years later, and my brother two years after that. They're still together.
posted
The secret is not finding someone the same age as you, but someone the same maturity level as you.
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I think it really depends on how comfortable you are with the person: the chemistry between you two. It's all relative. And age difference that works for one person might be outrageous for another. My parents are almost exactly the same age, and I could never say that they had an easy time of their marriage. It just depends.
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posted
I'm 25 now, and I've dated anywhere from -6 (at 24) to +10 (at 21). My current girlfriend is a bit less than 8 years older than me ( ), 7.5 if I'm quibbling, and I don't find the age difference to be a terribly significant factor. We grew up watching different TV shows, playing different video games, and styling our hair in different ways... but that doesn't mean that we can't watch the same TV shows, play the same video games, and continue to style our hair in different ways now.
Of course, my parents were just shy of 16 years apart (my dad was older), and it didn't seem to cause them any problems, so having that example has probably coloured my perceptions somewhat. Also, my parents were both older than the parents of most of my friends.
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quote:Originally posted by neo-dragon: They say that the rule of thumb to determine the youngest person that you can date without it being weird is divide your own age by 2 and add 7.
My rule of thumb is that I won't date anyone who wasn't born yet when I graduated from high school. I did the math, and that comes out to exactly the same lower age boundary as with your rule, neo-dragon. So, there must be somthing to it.
By the way, that means, right now - or, actually, as of my birthday next month - that I won't date a man younger than age 32. But, I should probably add, I haven't ever actually dated a man that much younger than myself. Posts: 2454 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
I think it really is a case-by-case basis. Age doesn't have much to do with the situation if two people really click and have a good thing going. My dad was 9 years older than my mom, and my boyfriend (and by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in) is 11 years older - I'm 19, he's 30.
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It's funny. I wouldn't have too much of a problem dating someone not my age, but I never have. The biggest gap was two years, when I was 19 and the guy I was dating was 21.
I think it makes it hard if you will be at different generational stages. Like...15 years seems pushing it, because one partner will be 70 when the other is only 55. Or one will be 70 when the other is 85. Those can be significant - almost generational - differences.
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posted
My parents are only 2 months apart in age. They've been married almost 25 years now.
Not that I'm a big dater (I'm picky) but a large age gap has never appealed to me. Its worked for friends of mine or parents of my friends (my old best friend had parents who were separated by 10 years and in an happy arranged marriage) but I don't think I could do it. At my age, 21, so much of my life is consumed by being in college and making the jump from child to independent adult. I know I look back on my high school years with the humor and wisdom of someone who knows it was all quite silly. I couldn't imagine dating someone who was 30 years old and would enjoy hearing my rants about my latest evil professor. On odd occasions I have a hard time communicating with my boyfriend who at 23yo is graduating from college in two weeks and will be living in the city and working full-time without loans or scholarship money to survive on.
I think the older you get, the less age matters but there's too much development and big life changes happening in the early years for it to be feasible to me.
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quote:Originally posted by Avadaru: I think it really is a case-by-case basis. Age doesn't have much to do with the situation if two people really click and have a good thing going. My dad was 9 years older than my mom, and my boyfriend (and by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in) is 11 years older - I'm 19, he's 30.
Avadaru, did he have much trepidation about entering into the relationship? I believe you that it's a good relationship, but I think that I'd have to do an awful lot of soul searching before I dated a 19 year old (I'm a little older than he is, but what's the difference between 30 and 34, really, in terms of maturity level?). It's something that I think I'm much more okay with intellectually than I would be emotionally, were I in his shoes.
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posted
I think I've only really had a boyfriend who was younger than me...twice. My very first boyfriend was 2 months younger, and I broke up with him because he freaked me out by getting all serious (we were 15). One of my boyfriends freshman year of college was a pre-med sophomore, but he was a year younger than I was. However, unlike most of the college guys I met freshman year, he was a total gentleman and never breathed a word about trying to get me to have sex with him. That's a way bigger deal to me than age.
And dkw, I always think it's strange to think of age in those terms! Like when my boyfriend started college, I was in fifth grade. Weeeeeird.
quote:Originally posted by Dan_raven: The secret is not finding someone the same age as you, but someone the same maturity level as you.
I completely agree with this statement. When I was 19 I dated a 29 year old. I act a little older than I really am, and he acts younger than he is. It worked out for a while.
We did, however, have different priorities which lead me to break things off. You can't date someone when you don't understand why certain things are important to that person. I think maturity's only half of the equation. You have to also consider where that person is in his or her life in relation to where you are in yours.
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posted
After years of working at a dating company that catered primarily to 30+ year old people, I've seen quite a bit of age difference in couples.
In general, the age difference didn't seem to matter much in terms of compatibility or happiness. There are things to consider though: -If children are important, the age of the woman needs to be considered. -If you're talking about a long term relationship, and either partner is particularly active, keep the health of the older partner in mind.
Other than that, whatever you're comfortable with.
The general rule I've used is that I wouldn't date someone who could have physically been my parent, or who I could have sired, so maybe 14 years as a max. Personally, I've never been very comfortable dating someone more than 6-8 years either way in age. At that point, I've felt that we were in different generations, had quite different attitudes, were in different places in our lives, etc. Whatever works for you is what you should use.
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When my mother found out that I was dating someone 13 years younger than myself, her response was along the lines of "so, she's more mature than you are."
It was really funny -- it just sort of popped out of her mouth and she probably meant something else, but that's how it came out.
Noemon: I feel the same way. I tend not to date more than a couple of years younger than me. That one -6 is the exception -- take it away and my range would be -2 to +10. I'm not a very good judge of age, so this range is the result of finding out the ages of people I date, not the result of applying some arbitrary rule. However, the rule X outlined seems to fit pretty well with my dating history.
Celaeno's post makes a lot of sense to me. My girlfriend and I are in vaguely similar life situations insofar as we both work, we make about the same and get about the same amount of vacation time, but more importantly, we seem to have similar takes on the whole relationship thing. Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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I never thought I'd date someone much older than me, but my boyfriend is 4 and a half years older than me. That doesn't seem like much compared to many of the people who've already posted, but I was 18 when we started dating (8 months ago) and he's my first boyfriend so there was definitely an experience gap to consider as well as the age gap. We haven't had any problems with the age difference so far, but we'll see how things go when he graduates in a few months and we're suddenly at different stages in our lives. I think the acceptability of an age difference depends on the couple. Maturity is important, and so is what you're looking for in a relationship. If you're far enough apart to be at vastly different points in your lives, one may be ready to settle down while the other doesn't want to be serious.
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quote:Originally posted by Celaeno: I think maturity's only half of the equation. You have to also consider where that person is in his or her life in relation to where you are in yours. [/QB]
This is very, very true, I think.
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quote:Originally posted by twinky: Celaeno's post makes a lot of sense to me. My girlfriend and I are in vaguely similar life situations insofar as we both work, we make about the same and get about the same amount of vacation time, but more importantly, we seem to have similar takes on the whole relationship thing.
::nods:: You guys are so obviously equals in every way that matters that it would seem bizarre to me if either of you had a problem with your difference in age.
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posted
I could totally find a way to be insulted by that.
---
Thing is, I wouldn't, at this stage in my life, date someone who was still in college (undergraduate, that is) or still financially dependant on their parents. For someone who's been on their own for over a decade, that's just not something I'd be prepared to deal with, no matter how cool the guy is in other ways. But barring that, age isn't really an issue.
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I don't know- to be age would be a big thing- not because of the number, but because people with great differences in age are going to be at different points in the lives. (But of course I justrned 18 like two weeks ago, and as it's been said before- age matters less the older you get)
On a side note- I always thought it was somewhat disgusting how my biological grandfather who is... 73 married a woman about 3-5 years older than my dad (his oldest son) and shes about... 47 I think.
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I suppose you could, now that I think about it. Consider it a compliment to twinky.
I wouldn't say that I absolutely, categorically wouldn't date an undergraduate, but the prospect of dating someone who was would certainly give me pause.
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quote: Avadaru, did he have much trepidation about entering into the relationship?
Yes. We were both reluctant initially, but the more time we spent together the more we realized that it wasn't the age difference that mattered, it was how much we had in common and how well we got along. We spent a long time becoming good friends before we ever approached a relationship, and I think that's a good rule for ANY relationship, especially one where age difference is a factor.
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), 7.5 if I'm quibbling, and I don't find the age difference to be a terribly significant factor. We grew up watching different TV shows, playing different video games, and styling our hair in different ways... but that doesn't mean that we can't watch the same TV shows, play the same video games, and continue to style our hair in different ways now. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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