posted
I hurt the person I love most in the world, and I hurt her deep. I was trying to help, but was arrogant and short sighted and wrong and have seriously damaged her trust in me, possibly destroying it. I should have trusted her, I shouldn't have thought that I knew better. And now my life is falling apart. I feel like I'm dying.
She might leave me, she might stay, I do not know. I do know that I have hurt her so deeply that she doesn't feel safe with me any more, which was the most important thing for her.
I am willing to do anything to make it right, to lessen the hurt I've caused. But I have to give her time and space, I can't -make- it right. All I can do is try and be there for her and heal our trust over time.
How do I deal with my pain? How can I feel sorry for myself when I am the cause. What can I do to be alright so I can be alright for her?
I'm afraid I have lost her. And even if she stays, I'm afraid I have hurt her too deeply to ever truly reach her again.
I feel lost and don't know where to turn.
Posts: 6683 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I'm not sure how to help. I've sort of been on her end of things, but a lot of it depends on the tone of your relationship and the kind of person she is. I'm a sucker who will give almost anyone about eight hundred chances. But it depends on the details of the situation.
I've always thought that the best way to deal with pain is to distract yourself from it, but I don't know if that's actually the best thing to do. If you want to talk though, let me know.
posted
Talk to her - if she's willing to listen - and tell her how you feel. Don't ask for forgiveness. Just apologize, and profusely. Let her decide whether to forgive and forget in her own time. Then be the best friend to her you can possibly be. Do everything you can to make up for what you did.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
There are still ways to comfort her, I think. For me personally, just listening to me talk about it without getting defensive would be a big help, just so that I would feel like my side was being heard and understood.
posted
Yeah, I get that the damage is done and you can't change that. But the only way to show her that you mean the apology and what you've said is to act in her best interests, consistently. Be the best friend you can. Be supportive, encouraging, whatever. It will never negate the past, but it might help you build a better future.
Let her get mad without defending yourself. Accept that you screwed up and she has the right to be pissed, or grieve, or whatever she wants to do. Let her do it without arguing, and continue to be the best friend you can.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Apologize... Show that you still care... Apologize... Give it time... Apologize... Be a friend... Give her space to process on her end... Process on your end... Remind her that you still care...
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Maybe you just need to give her some space for a few days, so that you both can think with a clear head.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by cmc: Apologize... Show that you still care... Apologize... Give it time... Apologize... Be a friend... Give her space to process on her end... Process on your end... Remind her that you still care...
Then do this:
quote:Originally posted by SoaPiNuReYe: Maybe you just need to give her some space for a few days, so that you both can think with a clear head.
Then buy her somehting really expensive??? Or maybe not but mosst importantly apologize, talk it out and then give her some time to take it all in. If things are gonna work out they will as long as you talk to her about it. You'll be suprised sometimes there are happy ending to really bad decisions?
Best of luck and hope things work out! Posts: 871 | Registered: Jul 2006
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I don't know what to tell you about your current relationship. I do have a bit of advice on self-examination, though.
My advice is to take some time yourself to really examine this whole situation. It's one thing in the throes of remorse to promise never to do or say something again. But you should be as honest and realistic as you can be. If deep down you think you'd do the same thing again, or would still think it was the right thing to do, then the honest thing to do is to confront that.
Forgiveness is tough. Changing is tougher. By a long shot. And it doesn't come about just because you feel remorse over your actions.
Apologizing for the rest of your life is no picnic either. Especially if deep down you really think you were right.
If this really is a situation where you did something to destroy the trust that a person had for you, there's more to the recovery of that trust than apologies and "space" or "time." As you said, it may never happen.
Also, at some point, you may have to learn to forgive yourself. Obviously, not right now, of course, but carrying the guilt of this into the future of your relationship is not going to be good for either of you either.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Bob, you may have really helped my marriage. Not that it's bad, but you made me think. I feel like I should pay you a fee.
I agree with what has been said, give her time and continue to be there for her. Flowers? I always liked flowers.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Mar 2001
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posted
Thank you all for your insights and comforts.
The upshot is that she is not leaving me. I am thankful for this opportunity to correct the wrongs I have inflicted and know that this is a gradual process, not to be rushed or hurried.
Special thanks to pH who was there for me in my moment of need.
It is true what they say about Hatrackers, you guys really are the best.
I think the biggest thing I have learned from this is you have to trust the people you love and not act "in their best interest" without first fully examining your own motivations.
Posts: 6683 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Best of luck and hope things work out! 
