posted
Okay- let me set the stage for you: I'm 18, a senior in High School- about ready to move out to the college of my choice. That's the good part.
Here's the problem(s):
My Father- is a very smart man. He's also a manipulator and a liar. He is a pathological liar- in fact he spent 1 year in Federal Prison because of his lies. Over the past 2 years he has gotten increasingly worse- and the past 2 months have been utter hell for me. He has these friends at church- that he cares more about than me or my mom.
My mom: Is a very vulnerable person. Has a lot of needs. And I love her more than anyone on the face of the earth.
My brother: Unmedicated alcoholic bipolar with anger management issues.
Me: Always observant and I learned a long time ago it is impossible for me to be numb- I can't learn to stop caring- I just care all the more and thus feel increasing fear and heartache.
Starting about two months ago- my mother starting having increasing amounts of suicidal ideation. And my dad didn't care. About 6 weeks ago (seems like a lifetime) my dad went on a church trip (my mom doesn't go with me or my dad to church because she refuses to be a hypocrite and pretend to be the happy family we aren't. And not to mention- the music minister there is terrible at her job and just a despicable person. This woman and her husband are the friends I was referring to earlier)
I asked him if he was going on this trip (he sings in the choir) and he said. "But don't tell your mom, that's the last thing I need to have to deal with." A couple days later I just had to tell my mom where he was. I felt like I was lying and I refuse to lie.
She freaked out- felt her husband had betrayed her- by not answering his phone and coming up with elaborate excuses and lies.
My dad comes home- doesn't seem to phased. Except that he's angry at my mom for calling him. Since after all- he never does anything wrong. My dad then spends the next few nights away from home. Eventually my mom breaks down one night and tells me to leave and I'm the one rock in her life- I will always stand by her- even when her oldest son just cusses her out every time he sees her and her husband doesn't care about her- I care about her all the more. And she sent me away- so she could kill herself.
Later that night my brother and my father actually showed they do have a decent side- just most of the time they don't want to show it and go and look for her and my mom goes down and admits herself into a psychiatric facility.
Nine days later she comes out- with a new vitality and vigor. While she was there she found out she may have cancer- and was referred to an Oncologist. One of the conditions of her release was that she not be left alone- so obviously my dad spends the night at his mom's house.
4 days later she checks herself back into the hospital. My dad doesn't really care- he just is like "Why'd she do that?"
She comes out one day. The next day is Halloween and I'm hanging out with my friends. I get a call from a weird number- I answered it. Apparently my dad's friends filed two separate arrest warrants for my mom on the charge of harassment. (When she was upset and my dad wouldn't answer his phone- she'd call their phones)
Because of the legality of the whole thing and of personal conscience I've had to leave my church. Which sucks because I have some awesome, awesome friends there- and because that was my sanctuary- my place where I could find respite from the frey.
Things at home have been getting worse ever since- one night my brother told my mom "If you want to kill yourself, go ahead and do it." And I almost attacked him. I got up in his face which I'd never done before- and he started physically pushing me back- and I'm a weak kid- he's a strong violent drunk. Who's going to win?
Tonight I'm at my grandparents house (my mom's parents) because apparently while I was at work- my dad moved beyond emotional abuse and into the realm of physical abuse and my mom said that he had tackled her onto the bed and had his hands around her neck or throat- I'm not sure which.
For those of you that pray- please pray. Those who don't- send good vibes.
I really need them.
On a positive note- I've found out what it really means to stand on God in the rough times. I've never felt so dependent on God- and it feels good. I know how to recognize what's beyond my control and how to not worry too much- and give my problems to Him. (Which is a really awesome spot to be in- especially since I know that I'm in the fire and still holding strong).
I don't really need much advice though- just prayer.
Posts: 980 | Registered: Aug 2005
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Some pieces of that sound familiar to me. My mother is mentally ill as well. I couldn't imagine dealing with all the other complications you've got going on, though.
posted
Just do the best you can, Shawshank, and don't be too hard on yourself for the things you can't do. Talk to us if you need to. Be strong, man.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Oh no! Prayers being prayed and (((hugs))). I don't know what else to say, I wish your family healing.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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You and your mother have all the good thoughts I can muster. I can understand you wanting to separate yourself from your church right now given the situation with the music director, but would it still be possible to talk to the head clergyperson and obtain some guidance?
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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You're in my thoughts, Shawshank. You definitely win a prize for being put together enough to deal with any of this as long as it sounds like you have been.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I have a brother with a lot of problems. One thing that took me a long time to learn is I am not responsible for him. I am not his mother. I am his sister. I take care of him and help him when I can, but there are times that I can't, that I need to take care of myself and my family-- and I need to let go of those times. It is not my fault. I am not his parent, I am not his spouse. I am not the one who is supposed to take care of him, although I care for him and so I do what I can to help him, of course. But if he decided to kill himself, it would NOT be my fault. Even if someone else tried to blame it on me, it would be his own mental state and his own choices that led to that. Of course I try to help him. Of course I recommend what I think is best for him. But in the end, all I can do is love him, give advice when it is my place to do so, help him if he asks or I see a need and I can. I can't make his choices for him.
You can't make choices for the rest of your family. You are not a parent, you are not a spouse. You are responsible for your actions and yours alone. You cannot change the choices, emotions, mental state of others. Sometimes you have to draw a line. Love your mother, do what you can. And asking for prayers is a good thing you can do for her. But if it comes to a point when you have to choose between what is best for you, and what you think would be best for your mother, I hope you will remember to take care of yourself-- because trapping yourself in a toxic situation when you have a chance to take care of yourself doesn't really help anyone.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Yup. What kq said. My brain was too strained to be able to put that into something coherent, but kq did the job very very nicely.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
*hugs* I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I don't have any advice, but my thoughts are with you.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I'm sorry that you have so much bad stuff going on. Hope things get better for you, and soon.
All that stuff with your dad and his friends, I can't even believe that, it's just beyond my comprehension. I hope you figure out a positive way to resolve some of that and get yourself and your mom into a safe place.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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I can't possibly fathom what this burden feels like, but I pray that you can remain close to the God who does understand.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I'll definitely be praying for you. If your mom is suicidal I urge you, if you are able, to not leave her alone. It's a very dark road and there is not a lot of reason or sense on it. But, at the same time, I echo KQ in saying that whatever happens, its not your fault. Don't stop caring. Don't ever stop caring. But realize the extent of your own power and abilities so that when they reach their limit, you'll know it and accept it.
Again, I'll be praying for you, and if you ever want to talk, email me or IM me, or if you want I'll email you my cell phone number. Hang in there.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Like others here (and probably some people who didn't post a response at all), I'm very hesitant to offer advice. There are things that your mother simply has to do for herself if they are going to get done at all. Calling the police to report the physical abuse, for example. Getting away from your father if he cannot control himself. Working with therapists and you (and other caring family members) to get past the suicidal tendencies.
There's a lot there that you simply can't do much about.
If you witness your father abusing her, can report it, but if she won't say so when the police arrive, maybe not much will happen.
You can have her temporarily committed if she persists in threatening to kill herself. But that's only a temporary measure too and if she doesn't get help and stick with it, that's not going to really be much (although in an emergency, it's better than not doing it).
Likewise, you can't really get her to see the oncologist unless she wants to go.
It sounds like the situation is building to a head and there's an explosion coming soon. It sounds like your father has some enabler friends around to help him duck responsibilities, or act understanding when he tells his side of it. And really, it's not easy being the spouse of a seriously depressed person. That doesn't excuse his actions, but if all he tells his friends is his side of it, they may be acting like good friends to him and just not know all the details.
Your brother obviously needs help on an individual basis. In any other circumstances, his would be the problem the family might be focusing on -- an intervention, whatever. But it sounds like he's probably down the list a bit on the disaster scale at the moment.
Oh man...
If I were to venture any advice at all it would be to see to your mom -- help her keep appointments with therapists. Maybe get in to talk to some yourself. If she shows any willingness to leave your father, or even just to take a break for awhile, it sounds like that might be a healthy thing. Separation doesn't necessarily have to be final and she clearly needs something to change.
quote:I've found out what it really means to stand on God in the rough times. I've never felt so dependent on God
Don't sell yourself short kid. That sounds like an amazingly tough situation, and it sounds like you're handling it as well as anyone ever could. Regardless of whether or not God exists, that ain't God's strength keeping you going. It's yours. And good heavens there must be a lot of it to handle that much crap as well as you seem to be.
(((Shawshank))) You've got all the good vibes I can send. Hang in there!
Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jun 2004
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quote: if all he tells his friends is his side of it, they may be acting like good friends to him and just not know all the details.
On this note, do you think any good would come from telling his friends what all is going on? Depending on what kind of people they are, it could end in them dropping the charges and you feeling welcome at church again or it could just makes things worse. If your judgment makes you think it would be helpful, that might be something to consider.
I wish you well and you are in my thoughts.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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quote:I've found out what it really means to stand on God in the rough times. I've never felt so dependent on God
Don't sell yourself short kid. That sounds like an amazingly tough situation, and it sounds like you're handling it as well as anyone ever could. Regardless of whether or not God exists, that ain't God's strength keeping you going. It's yours. And good heavens there must be a lot of it to handle that much crap as well as you seem to be.
Amen.
Bob has some good advice there.
Posts: 1762 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I don't have any advice to offer, but I think both kq and Bob have said very wise things, among the many other wise things in this thread.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts. (((Shawshank)))
Posts: 952 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I second what ketchupqueen wrote. I know from experience (my mother was also mentally ill) it is very important what she said.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
I'm with Bob here - take care of your mom first, and don't worry about your brother or father. I'm sending all the good thoughts your way that I can come up with!
Your poor mother - this is so much to deal with. Is there a reason why she won't seek a divorce, especially after the physical abuse? Or is divorce against her religious beliefs? If it's not, perhaps it would be the best thing. I mean, I don't take divorce lightly at all, especially when it's a family with children, but you guys are adults now (or nearly so) and physical abuse is not something to mess around with. If it happens once, it's highly likely to happen again. I'm just worried about your poor mom, and I wonder if she might be stronger and happier on her own. Who knows, though?
Anyway, I'm sending all my best thoughts to you. If you need to talk, you know you've got plenty of supportive ears here!
posted
Oh, also seconding Ketchupqueen as well - take care of YOU above all else. You'll be no help to your mother if you fall into the same trap she's in now. Keep yourself strong and autonomous above all else, and do WHATEVER you need to do to keep that up. Encourage your mother to do whatever she needs to do to put herself into a similarly strong, self-reliant state.
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I'll pray for your family, but I'll mostly pray for you to get away from that awful situation without beating yourself up with feelings that you're in any way responsible for others' destructive behavior. May college bring you peace and sanctuary.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I used to have a problem with blaming myself for everything- hence a very low self-esteem for a very long time.
But I'm (sometimes a little slowly) just about the point where I can realize what is in my control and what is beyond the scope of it.
I know I can't control what other people do- it's just that I know in order to protect my mother I have to be the absolute good son. She's told me several times point blank that I am the one reason she is still alive.
And I suppose that's not fair to me. But it's the responsibility I have whether it's fair or not. So I do what I must- try and cushion her whenever I can't do what I can't. But I understand the only absolute thing under my control is my own actions/reactions, thoughts. And I know the only way I'm able to change how others act is maybe by my influence they slowly start to regain their sense of self- and find a peace and protection in me or in God.
My biggest fear is sometimes I overestimate the influence I can have on others.
Posts: 980 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
The thing that caused me troubles later in my life, is that you are never able to relax, you have to be on guard always. You can never be sad, or mad, or unreasonable, just like anybody else can who has a safe environment. You have to be the good and reasonable one all the time. It also makes you think that you can have some control. So right, then you are indeed overestimating the influence you can have on others, while in the end it always comes down to people making their own choices.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Shawshank, I'm so sorry this is all happening. I hope your mother can find some help to get out of her situation, and that you continue to find the strength you need. I'm glad you don't seem to be blaming yourself for any of this. That's hard to remember, sometimes, when so much seems to be riding on you, while at the same time someone else's decisions remain out of your control.
Posts: 624 | Registered: Mar 2005
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That's a heavy burden of responsibility you bear, Shawshank. I hope that your mother recovers quickly so that she isn't wounded by your inevitable independance. Likewise I hope that your ambitions won't be chained down by your having to look after her.
Posts: 1762 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
((Shawshank)) I haven't seen anyone else offer this, but your brother may have meant well.
I had a friend who was always claiming he was going to kill himself to get his way in arguments. I said the same thing to him. I was tired of hearing about it, and I was tired of being manipulated.
Some people see it as the tough love approach. If you actually had to look death square in the eye you wouldn't like it anymore.
Or maybe he was being a big jerk. *shrug* Either way, it's not your dot, as my momma would say. You can only control your own actions, no one else's.
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