posted
Some background: I have a friend I've known for about 14 years. We started out dating, but I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it was a very platonic dating relationship. I had strong feelings for him from the beginning, but he eventually broke it off with the standard reasons: although I was in many ways just what he'd always been looking for, for some reason he just didn't have the romantic feelings he needed to to continue the relationship.
After a few months break from one another, we resumed the friendship and he's been an important person in my life ever since. We've both dated others, and I've come close to marriage a couple of times but it's never quite worked out.
I'm also older than he is by 7 years; he's now 37 and I'm 44. It was always more of an issue for me than it was for him when we were dating. The only reason it bothered me was really social convention; he's always been mature beyond his years.
Anyway, last night, for reasons that are difficult for me to explain, I went out on a limb. We are not big phone talkers. We email occasionally, and when I'm in town I get in touch w/ him and we get together, but we don't just chitchat on the phone much. So I went ahead and called to say "Merry Christmas," but eventually I blurted out my real reasons for calling: I told him that I knew I was putting him on the spot, but that I'd had feelings for him all these years, and I just had to know if he'd had any of the same thoughts. This is really hard for me, because I've always thought if anything was going to happen, it was definitely going to have to happen from his own initiative. Don't ask me what changed my mind after all this time.
We talked for about an hour. He was totally blown away, but he did admit that he had had thoughts of me over the years, especially as he's getting older and, in his words, "the window on getting married and having a family is closing." I know that doesn't sound very flattering to me, but I also know that he cares about and respects me deeply. Some things that have happened in the past year have revealed to me just how much he does care, and I guess I needed to go out on a limb and find out if that could extend to more than a friendship.
He wasn't ready to just open up and tell me what was in his heart and mind, but we did talk for about an hour. He said he hasn't dated anyone for about 5 years now, and hasn't been looking.
I should add that we are both LDS, but I'm very active and committed and he has not been back to church since he broke up w/ me all those years ago. (We taught a Sunday school class together in a singles ward.) I asked at one point if that was a factor for him, and he said that not to put himself down, but he had thought over the years that I'd be happier w/ someone active in the church. I said I wasn't surprised he felt that way, because it was probably true, but for some reason I guess I'm more willing now to rethink that in our case.
He said I'd need to give him some time, and he'd think about what we talked about and we would talk again. He apologized for not having any further "clarification" for me, as he put it. I said that I'd have been very surprised to have anything definite other than "No way, not going there."
I know him well enough to know that if the answer had been "never gonna happen" that he would have told me right up front. He's always been very honest with me. So, what transpired isn't exactly the stuff of girlhood romantic dreams. And it the next call could well be along those lines. But it could be something entirely different . . .
Sorry, everyone, but my best friend hasn't answered my email about this yet, and I guess I have a need to talk about it!! I will keep you posted, although I suspect it will be another month before I hear back from him.
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posted
The age thing really doesn't matter. I know, to you it does, but I hope you can get over it. My sister married a man six or eight years her junior, and the age difference doesn't matter with them - they're happy, compatible, and have a successful marriage. One of my best friends married a man 9 years her junior. They're also doing very, very well. Age makes no difference unless you allow it to.
As for the rest... Good luck. I hope this works out in ways that bring you happiness and joy. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Aww, thanks everyone. You know, at this point in my life, the age thing doesn't matter to me, either. If he can deal w/ me being too old to have kids, it's pretty irrelevant to me. (Then again, he has to take some responsibility there--he's the one who waited out my childbearing years.)
BlackBlade--what's up w/ that? Was your wife the pursuer? Whatever, if it's in my favor then I'm all for it!
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quote:Originally posted by Uprooted: Aww, thanks everyone. You know, at this point in my life, the age thing doesn't matter to me, either. If he can deal w/ me being too old to have kids, it's pretty irrelevant to me. (Then again, he has to take some responsibility there--he's the one who waited out my childbearing years.)
BlackBlade--what's up w/ that? Was your wife the pursuer? Whatever, if it's in my favor then I'm all for it!
HaHa! A slip of the fingers and misconception lingers it would seem!
What my post said, "Indeed, my events play out in your favor."
What my post should have said, "Indeed, may events play out in your favor."
I know a woman well past her child bearing years in her mid 40's who got divorced 2-3 years ago. She remarried a man who is 23 years old now, and they look as happy as any married couple I have ever seen. I didn't think that REALLY happened but apparently it does.
My own mother had her last child when she was almost 40. You still may have time yet! Adoption is of course still on the table.
But feel free to tell your man if he doesn't pick up your option there are hatrackers gunning for you Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Wow, Uprooted, go you for going out on a limb! I really really really hope it works out for you. . Keep us updated!
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posted
Aha, thanks for the clarification BB. I should have picked up on that myself--I thought the syntax was a little off!
And let me just say that the 23-year-old men of the world needn't fear, I'm not out after them ;-). Not to diss your friend's marriage, but 10 years' difference is about as high as I'm willing to go in either direction.
As far as kids, ya never know, but odds aren't good in my favor--especially because I'm really not interested in fertility treatments. I have nothing against them for others, it's just a personal decision which probably has as much to do w/ my age as anything else. Adoption, however, would be an option.
All purely hypothetical at this point, of course.
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quote: I know a woman well past her child bearing years in her mid 40's who got divorced 2-3 years ago
Just confused by this statement, BlackBlade, because "in her mid-40's" is NOT the same as "well past her childbearing years". Most women don't go through menopause until at least their 50s, so are technically still of child-bearing age.
Uprooted, I hope things work out for the best. No matter what, having had the communication and getting it all up front was a good thing.
quote: I know a woman well past her child bearing years in her mid 40's who got divorced 2-3 years ago
Just confused by this statement, BlackBlade, because "in her mid-40's" is NOT the same as "well past her childbearing years". Most women don't go through menopause until at least their 50s, so are technically still of child-bearing age.
Uprooted, I hope things work out for the best. No matter what, having had the communication and getting it all up front was a good thing.
FG
Doctors have told her she can't have children anymore, although she looks younger then she is, her placenta hasn't aged as graciously. But point taken on most women not going through menopause until they are in their 50's.
Uprooted: So 23 years of age is your cutoff?
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posted
A woman who is not currently pregnant does not have a placenta. I assume you mean her uterus. (And why on earth are we discussing the uterus of some woman I don't even know???)
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quote:Originally posted by rivka: A woman who is not currently pregnant does not have a placenta. I assume you mean her uterus. (And why on earth are we discussing the uterus of some woman I don't even know???)
Not sure how to respond
Perhaps I meant uterus, I seem to recall my mother telling me after my youngest sibling was born that the Doctors said her placenta barely worked when she was born and if she had another child it wouldn't make it the whole 9 months.
But hey it doesn't make sense in my mind either, if I am wrong, chalk it up to hearing these terms as a child before understanding women's anatomy.
I think you'd love meeting my mom Rivka, she is one of those wonderful women everyone typically likes to know.
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posted
The placenta could have been insufficient, which can cause low birth weight and other problems; this is a condition that might or might not repeat with a future pregnancy, depending on the cause, but if she had previous healthy children, I'd say it's less likely to happen again, although, of course I wouldn't know for sure...
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quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: Uprooted: So 23 years of age is your cutoff?
Well, "ten years in either direction" would be 34-54. Of course, such random cutoffs are meaningless. But 23 is more like "absolutely out of the question" for me.
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quote:Originally posted by Farmgirl: Uprooted, I hope things work out for the best. No matter what, having had the communication and getting it all up front was a good thing.
FG
Yeah, that's really the bottom line. Who knows how things will turn out, but I guess at least I've learned that our friendship can weather my putting my heart on my sleeve.
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quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: The placenta could have been insufficient, which can cause low birth weight and other problems; this is a condition that might or might not repeat with a future pregnancy, depending on the cause, but if she had previous healthy children, I'd say it's less likely to happen again, although, of course I wouldn't know for sure...
Given that I had placental insufficiency and premature placental aging with my first pregnancy, but not with any later ones (and never figured out what caused it with the first), I can provide (anecdotal) evidence that these problems do not always recur.
However, if the cause was an aging uterus (which was my impression from BB's third-hand account), the problem would be quite likely to recur.
In any case, while I certainly know women who have carried perfectly healthy pregnancies to term in their late forties and early fifties (with no fertility treatments -- these were surprise babies ), there is no question that such pregnancies carry considerably higher risks to both mother and child than when a woman is younger.
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posted
I didn't mean that it wasn't. An older uterus can cause the placenta to be unable to attach properly, or not get sufficient blood flow (especially later in a pregnancy).
That is, an aging uterus can cause placental insufficiency. And that is a problem that would almost certainly recur.
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posted
I'm curious--what do you mean by "aging uterus," exactly? Is an aging uterus the uterus of a woman of a certain age? The way you are using it it sounds more like it's referring to the condition of the uterus itself. And if that's the case, is this a diagnosable condition, and if so, what is the means of diagnosis?
Enough questions for you? ;-)
And I've also known women who've had healthy surprise babies in their mid-late 40s. But I don't count on it.
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posted
And thanks, rivka. I also don't remember if I ever posted in your thread a couple months ago (?), but I do remember thinking "good for you for not settling."
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by rivka: I didn't mean that it wasn't. An older uterus can cause the placenta to be unable to attach properly, or not get sufficient blood flow (especially later in a pregnancy).
That is, an aging uterus can cause placental insufficiency. And that is a problem that would almost certainly recur.
Makes sense to me. Any way you slice it, pregnancy is a pretty complicated deal.
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So I really don't know the technical terms, or what sort of diagnosis (or diagnoses) would correspond. If the potential (or not) of having children is something that is important to you, I recommend an appointment (with both an exam and a detailed conversation) with your ob-gyn. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Uprooted: Yeah, that's really the bottom line. Who knows how things will turn out, but I guess at least I've learned that our friendship can weather my putting my heart on my sleeve.
posted
Anecdotally, I think one is more likely to succeed in getting pregnant if one doesn't care. I have so many friends and acquaintances who went through all sorts of hell trying to get pregnant, without success, and finally decided either to adopt, or that they would never have kids, and suddenly they got pregnant. Obviously, I don't have numbers on this, but somehow it just seems that state of mind and stress and stuff is a factor. So, when the time comes, if your attitude is one of being happy to have a child if it happens, but fully comfortable with the idea of not having one, that strikes me as a very healthy attitude at that point.
quote:Originally posted by Icarus: So, when the time comes, if your attitude is one of being happy to have a child if it happens, but fully comfortable with the idea of not having one, that strikes me as a very healthy attitude at that point.
I agree with that. It does strike me as the most healthy attitude.
However, studies indicate that the all-too-common "they finally decided to adopt and then they got pregnant" story is more often than not an urban legend. (Obviously it happens sometimes. Most commonly among couples who have no diagnosed caused of infertility, which is a large and growing fraction -- couples who statistically would have had kids just by trying longer, without any adoption decision. But it's not terribly statistically significant, at least according to the last time I saw studies on it.) Moreover, it can be horribly stress-inducing in and of itself! I have read many, many books, blogs, etc. by women who are or were having difficulty getting pregnant, and high on the list of stressful things they complain about is people telling 'em to "just relax."
Which is not to say that I don't think relaxation is a factor. I'm sure it is. (If for no other reason than the likelihood of potential-pregnancy-inducing events increasing if the potential parents are not stressed. ) Most body systems work better without chronic stress than with.
I just don't think it is as much a factor as some would have you believe, and I think it can be counter-effective to push it as a cure-all (you're not, Ic, but I have seen others who do) for infertility.
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But then, I think if you're using it as a cure-all for infertility, you're not really doing it--it's a Catch-22! The cases I've known (including, incidentally, one Hatracker) are people who haven't tried to relax or stop thinking about it in order to get pregnant. They have given up on getting pregnant altogether.
I'm sure you're right, though. I'm guessing that the people who give up on getting pregnant and never do get pregnant don't make a big deal about the fact, and so we hear about the exceptions more often than we do about the majority.
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quote:I'm guessing that the people who give up on getting pregnant and never do get pregnant don't make a big deal about the fact, and so we hear about the exceptions more often than we do about the majority.
Then let me speak up. Not that we were trying, but since I already know I can't conceive, there'd be no point. We're not stressed about it, we're not worrying about it, we haven't ever since the relationship began, and guess what? I'm still not pregnant, nor ever likely to be. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Well, good luck to Uprooted. I hope it turns out for the best.
My wife and I are 12 1/2 years in age different. She's older than me. Other than the first few weeks when we were dating, it hasn't played any part of our relationship. Every once in a while someone will give us a stray look and it takes a while for me to figure out why. Whatever.
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My sister married a man six or eight years her junior, and the age difference doesn't matter with them - they're happy, compatible, and have a successful marriage. One of my best friends married a man 9 years her junior. They're also doing very, very well. Age makes no difference unless you allow it to. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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