posted
So, I had this best friend. We were best friends in elementary school, and in middle school we were step sisters for about a year (my mom married her dad, and then got divorced). In high school, though, even though I always thought we'd technically be "best friends" we were always kind of awkward with each other when we talked about serious things.
But it's not her fault -- it's just me. I CAN'T have a best friend. I can't open up to other people, get really close to them. It's not to say I'm shy. It's not to say I'm a loner. I have plenty of friends, and I talk to them constantly at school, and usually on weekends, it's just that I can't get CLOSE to any of them.
It's not like I'm lonely, either. I spend most of my alone time talking to myself in my head or writing or just imagining things, and I hardly ever feel lonely. And when I need to talk about something serious, I talk to my mother, which I'm perfectly comfortable doing. When I need to have fun, I have plenty of friends to have fun with.
So what's missing? Nothing, but still, I've always wanted to have a REAL best friend. I was never a good best friend for Kat (who I previously mentioned) because I was always awkward in meaningful conversations. When we're just having fun and goofing off, I talk a mile a minute, but when it comes to serious conversations, I can't think of a thing to say. The trouble is, Kat's just the opposite. She can talk to anyone about anything, and she used to, all the time, to me. I would resond to everything with "umm hmmm" and occasionally try to give some advice or something. But it was never a real conversation.
So Kat has this other friend from outside of school, Fran, who I've only met a few times, and she's everything I'm not. She has a million good friends and she's totally open and can make friends with any stranger inside of five minutes. She and Kat are perfect matches and of course they're best friends now, and they should be, and I should just go off and be with my other friends, but.... Today I was looking on Kat's deviantart, and she had a picture of Fran posted (they were doing a photo shoot thing) and the caption said "My friend. My sister. Always."
I shouldn't be hurt by this, but I am. Kat and I always called each other sisters, even after our parents got divorced. Things just got so complicated in high school, and Kat needed someone to talk to, but it wasn't me. Fran is everything I'm not, and I could never be like her.
The reason this worries me is... I don't want it to be like this with my future husband. In my mind, I picture somebody who I could just say anything to, who I could completely open up to, but now I wonder if it's possible for me to open up to anybody.
There are plenty of people that I love, friends and family, I admire them and love spending time with them and I couldn't live without them, and I go to them when I need help or when something wonderful happened and I want to tell somebody, or when I just want to have fun, but I've never had a real deep serious conversation with anyone (except my mom and dad). It makes me depressed, because I have plenty of deep conversations in my head, but I just wish more than anything that I could have them with real people.
Umm so I'm just kind of depressed right now and felt like writing this down for somebody to read who didn't know me or anyone ivolved. So... yeah. Thanks for reading.
Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
I've had 3 best friends since I was in kindergarten. As we grew up sometimes the bonds between two of us would strengthen and sometimes they would weaken, but we always stayed together. I'm sure that even though Kat may not think of you as a best friend, she still thinks of you as a sister. If this really bothers you I would try and be there for her when those deep conversations come up. Also I think it would be helpful if you described what happened between you and her during highschool. I'm sure though, that you and her will probably remain friends because when you get close to people, it is hard to break that bond quickly.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Oh God, I understand how you feel so well. I don't know anything to say to make it better, though. I don't know if there is anything to say that will make it better.
Except that someday, you will find someone you can share with. It might take some work on both your parts, but you will.
I want to say more, but I have to be somewhere. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me. blacwolve@gmail.com.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Similar to what soap just said, I wouldn't worry that much. It's not the best feeling in the world, but life will take you and your friends different ways in the world, sometimes closer, sometimes further apart.
I have had friends from gradeschool/highschool/college who were all great friends, but as I went through phases in my life (emotionally, geographically, professionally...) some faded in and out (though all remain good friends). The wonderful thing about a good friend is that even if you grow apart it doesn't mean you don't necessarily care for each other a great deal.
I definately still have highschool friends who I'd walk in front of a bus for (and who I think would do the same) that I only see every year or so, and I have certain friends that I confide most all my secrets/worries about life in, and others who I care about a great deal, and trust, but just don't do the same with. I don't view it as a factor of more/less trust always so much as just different uses.
Think of it as food, we all need food to survive, but sometimes we need/want a specific type of food and not another. Maybe you're an Orange and Fran is a Spaghetti dinner. At the moment Kat is in need/want of a big hearty meal, but in the past (and likely in the future) she'll need/want a refreshing and nutritious fruit. You can't shove yourself down her throat (or anyone else's) because they'd just choke, but you can keep yourself available so they'll realize when they need a piece of fruit that you're available.
seems like a silly analogy, but I think it works decently well.
If you really think your closedness is unhealthy, then try sitting down with Kat, or your Mom, or someone else you trust, and tell them about it. Even telling them just that you have a hard time opening up, but want to try may be enough to get you started. Otherwise, I'd say just to realize that not everyone is all that open even with close friends, and it's not necessarily unhealthy or bad. I'm open with my friends about some things, but fairly closed with others and I don't think it's a problem, it's only a problem when someone develops unrealistic expectations.
Example: when you start getting close to someone you may be considering marrying then you should make sure that they come to an understanding of how open you're going to tend to be so there isn't too much confusion.
Also realize that you don't want to be Too open, we have emotional filters for a reason. Even with a significant other if you talk to them about every fleeting doubt/worry that you have it'll likely drive you both apart (it's all about maintaining a careful balance).
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
You've done a great job of expressing your feelings here. What's different?
When I can't think of a thing to say, it's always that I *can* think of plenty to say, but I don't want to say it, for some reason. I'd guess it's the same way with you. You can spill your guts here, because we're strangers. Something about opening up to Kay felt too threatening.
If that's true...you might think of the things you had to say to her (for example, your post). For me, what helps is to talk about those things until I'm at ease talking about them. Maybe with strangers, but maybe with the person that I'm afraid to talk to.
The fact that you are so open and so clear makes me think that even if you're closed off...you won't be for long. You're connecting. Good job!
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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