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How do you guys deal with grief? I have recently lost my fiancee and all I want to do is lie in bed playing xbox or watch tv/movies.
I've never lost anybody so close to me before. I realize that this is because I'm only 22 years old, and I just don't know how to get out of this rut that I'm in.
There is so much to do, still so many decisions to make, and I can't seem to get myself up to do them. Even writing this is a form of avoiding the world. I have things I have to get done today and I find myself thinking, "Well, maybe this can wait until tomorrow..."
My faith in God has helped me realize that she is no longer in pain due to her many health problems, but that doesn't help the loss of my best friend and soulmate.
I started this out as a question about grief and it ended up a venting session... bleh I can't keep my mind on anything lately. Anyway, what have you guys done when you've had such a devastating loss? How did you get back on your feet? When do you stop feeling like your life isn't worth living?
[ February 13, 2007, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Nick ]
Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Change of scene, move to another town or go away for a time, You are too young to have deep roots wherever you are, so just do something different. If that is not possible, if your responsibilities are already too deep, you are going to have to come to terms of seeing the same picture without her in the frame. That means tipping the balance in favor of staying busy until the depression becomes manageable.
Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2007
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It's my days off of work that are the hardest. I moved to where I live because of her, and now I want to move back to my family, but I don't have the money to move, my bills just keep on coming.
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Oh, Nick, I am so sorry. Those feel like such empty words, I know, but you've really got me teary-eyed over here. I'm glad you still have your faith in God -- that will help -- but no one should have to go through this kind of loss at your age.
First of all, please vent. Don't hold this in. It is absolutely okay to vent, to cry, to be angry...whatever you need to feel. Surround yourself with people who love you and use them right now. You can always return the favor later.
This will take time, but time alone won't heal everything, despite the old saying. You need to go through the natural mourning process. There are usually 5 stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression (self-pity), and acceptance.
There are lots of support groups out there for grief and loss, if you think that would help you. This is going to be an absolutely crappy time in your life. If playing xbox and watching TV are what you need to do right now to stay sane, then I don't see a problem with it. But at some point you will have to face life again. I'm told that it does get better -- I pray that it does for you and that you can find some joy in life again.
Posts: 2392 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Yes, my parents have offered to pay for the moving expense, but I feel ashamed to ask them since I've been on my own for a while now. I also have to save for COBRA since my current job benefits won't exist after quiting, and that will be at least $190 a month until I get a job at another car dealership and get past the 90 day mark.
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If being around your family will be helpful, I'd take their offer of help. You are still independent, and I am sure you would do the same for a family member if your positions were reversed.
Here's a thread on grief from a while ago where I talked about what it was like to deal with it, even believing in an afterlife as I do.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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I agree -- there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. This is what family and friends are for. It sounds like you need to hear the old song -- "Lean on Me" again.
Posts: 2392 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Take your parents up on their offer. There is no shame in it, Nick. This is no small thing you're going through, and it's going to be hard enough surrounded by friends and family. It just doesn't make sense to try to push through it alone if you don't have to. Let the people who love you and have the means to help you do so.
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I think 90 days without health insurance for a 22 yr old is a managable risk. Go home and pay your parents back as you can. There is no shame in taking a loan in the midst of tragedy.
Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2007
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If he has a prescription treatment, it's a different matter. If you feel best while you're working, and you can keep up with the bills, do it. If things are too complicated, it's good to have the option of going home.
When my son died, I was in a mental ward for a few weeks and then I spent a while at home. I took a correspondence course in tax preparation, and after a couple more weeks I started temping again. I had ongoing therapy as well.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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A friend of mine recently lost his wife. He seems to be handling it well, by which I don't mean he doesn't cry -- he does -- but he hasn't withdrawn or stopped working (except for a short time immediately after her death).
He asked his friends to be available (mostly, to let him cry on their shoulders), and he gave himself time off when he needed it -- permission to put things off if they could be put off.
I'm sorry it happened to you, and to her.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Try to accept your family's help. It's a nice thing that *you* can do for *them*. They feel helpless to help you, and this is one way they feel they can be useful to you. And if you want to be with them, it's also the best thing you can do for yourself.
Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone else- take your parents help.
What helped me when I suffered a great loss was to take up a handicraft. It keeps my hands and mind busy and I can even use it to help others who have taken my journey (crocheting keepsakes for stillborn babies). I hope you can find something like that, that you can pour all your love for your fiance into.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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kat, I'm so glad you added that link to your post.... I didn't realize I'd replied on that thread, and now find it oddly comforting to hear from my past self -- my 46 year old sister in law died suddenly three weeks ago. My husband found her body, and we are in some chaos to work our way thorugh the aftermath. She left behind two daughters, the youngest of whom is almost 17. She's really struggling, and I don't know what we can do for her, except to be present and try to help her know how much she's loved by the rest of the family.
It's a hard time. We'll be seeking family grief counselling, since there is a lot to process.
I guess that's all I can suggest for you too, Nick, since there's a lot to working through grief, and it's worth getting help, IMO. ((hugs))
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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The first time I suffered a major loss, I promised I would never again tell someone who was grieving "I know how you feel." It struck me then that it was an incredibly foolish thing to say. We didn't have the same relationship as the person who suffered the loss, and we don't have the same memories. Love is never exactly the same between any two people.
So, I don't know how you feel, except that it hurts. I'm sorry.
I would suggest that you allow yourself some time where you recognize that you're not going to be at your most productive, and that's okay. Accept what help you're offered; the people who care about you will be grateful for an opportunity to help when there aren't a lot of clear avenues to make things better for you.
Just recognizing that time does go on sometimes has helped me. You aren't frozen in the immediacy of grief forever.
Good luck, and I wish you well.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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I agree that you should consider accepting your family's offer of help. My parents have both explained to me several times that even though I may feel bad for asking for and/or needing help, it makes them feel good to be able to help. They are offering because they love you.
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I just wanted to add my words of condolences for you. That has got to be very difficult. I agree with the others. Let your parents help you. This doesn't make you less of an adult. Need doesn't have anything to do with maturity. Understand that you do have a long road ahead of you and don't try to force yourself to be better about it, and don't feel guilty when you do have happy moments.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
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You need family and friends around you for support, and a lot of time. I agree, I'd move back with your parents. And worry about yourself, first.
Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2001
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I missed this thread before, Nick. I'm so sorry. I'm glad Noemon bumped it as I hope you've been feeling a bit better as time goes on. *hugs* Stay with us if it helps and accept the good and bad days as they come. We're here for you.
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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Thank you for your support. I have decided to move back in with my parents, since I've only been at the dealership I work at now for a year. That really was the only reason why I still haven't prepared for moving. I'm sure I can get a letter of recommendation for another technician job in Sacramento, CA. There is quite a few Toyota dealerships there. All I need to do now is start packing within the next few months and save for my COBRA payments for healthcare in case I need it.
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I think that you're making a wise decision, Nick. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Hope to see more of you here.
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(((((Nick)))))
