FacebookTwitter
Hatrack River Forum   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » so, um....

   
Author Topic: so, um....
Tara
Member
Member # 10030

 - posted      Profile for Tara   Email Tara         Edit/Delete Post 
*deep breath* i just realized that i'm gay (i haven't come out yet, and this doesnt really feel like coming out since i dont exactly know anyone here). i guess i was just wondering if anyone else is out there...i need someone to talk to...i thought of looking for a gay/lesbian internet forum or something, but i dont want to do that, since my mom uses my computer too and i dont want her to see the URL come down in the address bar...(btw, does anyone know how to take certain addresses out of the memory of your internet browser? that'd be nice.) i know i should just come out to my mom, since she's the nicest person in the world, and wouldn't have any problem with it, but i'm just a little too terrified to do that right now.

yeah...

now that i've typed this, i'm going to debate for about five minutes whether to press "add new topic" or not...

well i guess if i can't come out to a forum full of very kind and supportive strangers, i'll never be able to come out to anyone else...so...here goes.

Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lem
Member
Member # 6914

 - posted      Profile for lem           Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
(btw, does anyone know how to take certain addresses out of the memory of your internet browser? that'd be nice.)
First off, I would recommend you downnload and install CCleaner. It stands for "Crap Cleaner." Essentially it deletes everything in your temp folders, recycle bin, recently typed URLS, et cetera. Every time you visit a page it downloads not just cookies, but scripts, pictures, and other stuff.

Using CCleaner is not for "hiding" where you have been, but it does do that effectively against superficial investigation. It does keep your computer nice and clean and doesn't take anything important off.

I would recommend you use it at least once a week. It has no spyware, but I personally would not install the yahoo toolbar that comes with it. Watch out for it in the install. I have installed it on friends computers and have it delete 800MB of junk the first time it is run.

quote:
but i dont want to do that, since my mom uses my computer too
Mind if we know a little bit more about you? Are you still a minor at home? Adult? Independent?

I am not gay and have not had to deal with the issues that you will be facing with being comfortable being who you are with who you love. I do know Hatrack has several gay members whom I respect greatly from their posts. I am sure they will have supportive/helpful advice.

Good luck.

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tara
Member
Member # 10030

 - posted      Profile for Tara   Email Tara         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm 16 and live with my mom.
Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lem
Member
Member # 6914

 - posted      Profile for lem           Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I hope you the best of luck. Besides the knowledge that there are people out there that don't consider being gay a big deal, I can only offer computer advice.

Get permission from your mom to install CCLeaner. Let her see how much crap it takes off your computer. You will both be impressed.

Do a defrag because your drive will definitely be fragmented if you have never deleted temp files. Run CCleaner at least once a week. That will take out recently typed URLS, history, and a whole lot 'o crap. This is purely for good computer health.

Ideally you could tell your mom and she won't mind you visiting supportive forums.

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tara
Member
Member # 10030

 - posted      Profile for Tara   Email Tara         Edit/Delete Post 
p.s. i just found a handy thing on the netscape browser that says "clear history." so that works.

course, i feel idiotic for being so worried about "covering my tracks", but i guess that's how it is now....

Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TL
Member
Member # 8124

 - posted      Profile for TL   Email TL         Edit/Delete Post 
Well... Does it have to be that way? I mean -- I can understand taking some time (and maybe a long time) to work your way up to it. But I hope eventually you can be honest with the people who love you about it. (I know it's not always easy -- but it sounds like yours might actually be supportive?)

Anyway, good luck.

Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MightyCow
Member
Member # 9253

 - posted      Profile for MightyCow           Edit/Delete Post 
If you have a safe home environment, it seems like coming out to your mom is a good idea. I know I wouldn't want to have a big secret like that hanging over me. It sounds like your mom is cool, so hopefully everything will be good for you. Best of luck, and congrats on your new gayness [Smile]
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TL
Member
Member # 8124

 - posted      Profile for TL   Email TL         Edit/Delete Post 
Careful, though -- could just be a phase. [Wink]
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Icarus
Member
Member # 3162

 - posted      Profile for Icarus   Email Icarus         Edit/Delete Post 
(((Tara)))

I wish you the best of luck.

Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Fyfe
Member
Member # 937

 - posted      Profile for Fyfe   Email Fyfe         Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, honey. If I knew you and you were here right now, I would give you my little Julian of Norwich medal. As it is I'll just tell you what she says:

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and every manner of thing shall be well.

I hope everything works out perfectly for you.

(((((Tara)))))

Posts: 910 | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Will B
Member
Member # 7931

 - posted      Profile for Will B   Email Will B         Edit/Delete Post 
(((Tara))).
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tatiana
Member
Member # 6776

 - posted      Profile for Tatiana   Email Tatiana         Edit/Delete Post 
Good luck, Tara! It's very frightening to be true to yourself, but it's strengthening, too. I bet you may find that many people know already, before you did, even. It's happened to me more than once that a friend of mine would come out that I never knew was in. I had just assumed they were gay all along. May your friends and family be supportive and loving, and accepting of you as you are. But if any aren't, if you lose any friends, don't worry about it. They weren't your real friends to begin with, in that case, and you are lucky to be finding that out. [Smile]

<<<<<Tara>>>>>>

Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ClaudiaTherese
Member
Member # 923

 - posted      Profile for ClaudiaTherese           Edit/Delete Post 
Tara, I'm glad you are seeking out resources for yourself. You might be interested in talking with some of the members here who have similar stories -- but for them to find your request, you might have to make the title more specific. You could change it to something like "Help in coming out" or "Coming to terms with being gay."

All the best, sweetheart. *warm hug.

Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Phanto
Member
Member # 5897

 - posted      Profile for Phanto           Edit/Delete Post 
That's cool; plumb the depths of your soul deeply. Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men (and women)?

Good luck!

Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Joldo
Member
Member # 6991

 - posted      Profile for Joldo   Email Joldo         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Tara. I'm Phillip. Gay, seventeen, came out to my mom a year ago. Still not out to my dad. All my friends know, as does my brother. I think I'm pretty well adjusted to it.

If you need to talk, I lurk on Hatrack. My name on AIM is RochtalAlphkrist, and my e-mail is phillip.brettschneider@yahoo.com .

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
esl
Member
Member # 3143

 - posted      Profile for esl   Email esl         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Tara, welcome to Hatcrack!

I agree with CT's advice to change the topic name, but I probably wouldn't, myself. I only found your thread randomly, and that's not a bad way.

Anyway, I am a girl, and I'm dating a girl. Neither of us thinks of ourselves as gay - we're kinda in between and that's us.

I have come out to people who are close to me. My mom's okay with us. I recently came to the realization that she doesn't mind my dating a girl so much as she minds how intimate we are. My dad hasn't said a thing. I get the feeling that he doesn't approve but he won't waste his breath telling me that. Most of my friends and some of my cousins know. They're all accepting.

I don't know of support forums/websites. hrc is a national organization that works for queer rights, so I imagine they have lots of links on their site. That might help you. Sometimes I go to the w4w forum on craigslist. They're interesting.

Please email me, if you feel so inclined. Address is in my profile. and yes, welcome to gayness!

Posts: 1056 | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ketchupqueen
Member
Member # 6877

 - posted      Profile for ketchupqueen   Email ketchupqueen         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I recently came to the realization that she doesn't mind my dating a girl so much as she minds how intimate we are.
If I had a child who was gay, I would also be more concerned about their remaining chaste in their interactions with their dates, and in fact if she was a sixteen year old, about how and who she was dating-- I think that's too young to "have a boyfriend/girlfriend", and would be very concerned about the people she hung out with being good influences in the drug/sex/language/etc. areas of her life at that age-- than I would be upset about her being attracted to the same sex. I think that's a good point, esl.

Tara, if you were my daughter I would hope you would come to me with your feelings, your struggles, your concerns in all areas of your life, knowing that I would love and help you no matter what. I am sorry you do not feel that you can do this with your mom. I know it's nosy, but is there a specific reason why you feel you can't talk to her? Is she generally critical and unsupportive? (Those were more rhetorical, please don't feel pressured to answer.) If she is anything like me, she will still love you if you are gay, and be concerned for your well-being and want to help and counsel you any way she can.

Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tara
Member
Member # 10030

 - posted      Profile for Tara   Email Tara         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the responses. I'm kind of sick right now, so I'll try to respond to some of the questions later...well I guess in a nutshell, there's nothing wrong with my mom, it's just that I'm not really brave enough yet. I never thought I'd ever have to do this, and I think I have to give myself time to get used to the idea, you know? Also I think it would be better to come out to some of my friends first, because I feel much more comfortable talking to them than my mom. Also, I think that I should tell the boy who's been trying to date me for the past couple of weeks. I've been giving him the cold shoulder for no reason that he can imagine (we really like each other, and I thought I did want to date him, but...) I really trust him and I know he'd be understanding, also it would stop me from hurting him anymore.
Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dr Strangelove
Member
Member # 8331

 - posted      Profile for Dr Strangelove   Email Dr Strangelove         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I have installed it on friends computers and have it delete 800MB of junk the first time it is run.

I got ya beat - I just installed it on my computer and it took off 1400MB. Yeah. Woops. [Razz]

On topic, though my advice is virtually worthless as I have zero experience in this particular matter, whenever I make a rather large decision on my own, I don't tell anyone until I'm very sure about it. So maybe give it some time, explore your decision, get some guidance, and then, if you are still sure of your orientation, come out of the closet. Good luck. [Smile]

Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Javert
Member
Member # 3076

 - posted      Profile for Javert   Email Javert         Edit/Delete Post 
Why do you have to tell your Mom? I don't mean you should lie to her or necessarily hide it, but why do you feel the need to let her know?

The thought of sharing anything about my sexuality with my parents just gives me the willies, so that's why I'm against it.

Posts: 3852 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JennaDean
Member
Member # 8816

 - posted      Profile for JennaDean   Email JennaDean         Edit/Delete Post 
As a mom ...

She has certain ideas of who you are, and hopes for the future. Not saying that you have to tell her right now. But when a big part of you is different from what she thinks it is, it puts a wall in your relationship.

I'd want to know. It would be really hard to know, and really hard to deal with, for me. But I'd want to know my child. I'd want to share in their hopes and dreams and struggles. I'd rather know than have them hurting or scared and me not know about it. The alternative would be not even knowing this person I gave life to. That's sad.

Not that I'd want to know any "details" about my child's sexuality - I agree with you there, Javert. Still can't share that kind of thing with my parents either!

Posts: 1522 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
anti_maven
Member
Member # 9789

 - posted      Profile for anti_maven   Email anti_maven         Edit/Delete Post 
(((Tara)))

I can't help with coming out, but as a parent I would hope I was open enough to be supportive of my child in anything.

Good luck with whatever you do. You have a pretty friendly group of strangers here if you need a shoulder to cry on or a place to rage.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Pixiest
Member
Member # 1863

 - posted      Profile for The Pixiest   Email The Pixiest         Edit/Delete Post 
((Tara))

I may be an old bisexual woman but I remember being a scared teenage lesbian. My email address is pixiest at yahoo dot com if you want to talk.

If your mom is pretty liberal (socially) then it's prolly best to tell her. I actually found myself grow closer to my mom once I came out to her since the distance *I* put up between us went away.

Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Abhi
Member
Member # 9142

 - posted      Profile for Abhi   Email Abhi         Edit/Delete Post 
Tara,

The best solution for clearing the history etc is using Firefox browser. It's a generally better browser than Netscape, but it also has a feature called "clear private data" that deletes, well, private data :)

I've somewhat dealt with the issues you have... I realized I was bisexual in late 2005. The first people I spoke to about it were my ex-gf [who's bi] and a good friend from highschool [who's lesbian]...

My family & I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy as far as sex-related subjects go, so I didn't really talk to them about it for a while. I did discuss the subject in my senior thesis paper [Feeding the Beast: Contemporary Discourse on Jeffrey Kripalís Kaliís Child"], and since my mother wanted to read it, I had conversation with her about it...

My mother is very conservative and religious, and had initially responded with "have you seen a psychiatrist?" :)

But she was very supportive after the first ten minutes of shock.

My brother has also read my senior thesis... he didn't really comment on my bisexuality, but he hasnt treated me any differently since, so I guess he doesnt really have a problem with it. My sister would've been supportive even if I had wanted to marry a goat, but that's another matter! haha

To me, it's not much of a political statement or anything... it's just a fact... largely irrelevant since I'm happily married to a woman I'm madly in love with... but yea there's that.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ketchupqueen
Member
Member # 6877

 - posted      Profile for ketchupqueen   Email ketchupqueen         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Dr Strangelove:
quote:
I have installed it on friends computers and have it delete 800MB of junk the first time it is run.

I got ya beat - I just installed it on my computer and it took off 1400MB. Yeah. Woops. [Razz]

quote:
1,857.8MB deleted
I "win". [Wink] (And I didn't even have it delete my cookies, the ones I have are on there for a reason, I delete the ones I don't want on a regular basis... Now to go de-frag.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Abhi
Member
Member # 9142

 - posted      Profile for Abhi   Email Abhi         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
quote:
Originally posted by Dr Strangelove:
quote:
I have installed it on friends computers and have it delete 800MB of junk the first time it is run.

I got ya beat - I just installed it on my computer and it took off 1400MB. Yeah. Woops. :p

quote:
1,857.8MB deleted
I "win". ;) (And I didn't even have it delete my cookies, the ones I have are on there for a reason, I delete the ones I don't want on a regular basis... Now to go de-frag.)

jeez... what have you people been storing on your computer???
Posts: 142 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lem
Member
Member # 6914

 - posted      Profile for lem           Edit/Delete Post 
It is probably old deleted videos, music, or pictures. Be sure to un-check "empty recycle bin" if you use the recycle bin as a temporary storage.

I know one person who is constantly pulling stuff out of the recycle bin. Not me. When I delete something, I am sure I don't want it.

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ketchupqueen
Member
Member # 6877

 - posted      Profile for ketchupqueen   Email ketchupqueen         Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, when we delete things, we don't want them. My mom used to "hide" files in the recycle bin. (I figured that one out, like, two months after I started using the computer.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Abhi
Member
Member # 9142

 - posted      Profile for Abhi   Email Abhi         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by lem:
It is probably old deleted videos, music, or pictures. Be sure to un-check "empty recycle bin" if you use the recycle bin as a temporary storage.

I know one person who is constantly pulling stuff out of the recycle bin. Not me. When I delete something, I am sure I don't want it.

LOL!

use the recycle bin as "temporary storage"???
haha who does that???
that's what folders are for! lol
wow, that just made my evening!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Phanto
Member
Member # 5897

 - posted      Profile for Phanto           Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, using the recycle bin as "temp. storage" seems odd. I have several "crap" folders, though...
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tinros
Member
Member # 8328

 - posted      Profile for Tinros           Edit/Delete Post 
Tara, I understand where you're coming from.

I discovered I was bi in high school(I'm female). I didn't come out until after graduation to avoid drama- it's been less than a year since I came out. My parents found out... well, let's jsut say there were some serious arguments and I was nearly disowned. They still think it's a choice I made jsut to tick them off. THey still don't know about the girlfriend I had for a few months- they made it very clear that a girlfriend of mine was not welcome in their home, and if I brought one home, I wouldn't be welcome there, either.

I really hope your experience is better than mine. Now I'm at college, and I've been seeing a therapist for other things. I'm getting ready to join one of the campus GLBT support groups. It's nice to be away from home and where people accept me- my friends back home were supportive enough over the summer that when my parents kicked me out for a few days, I had somewhere to go.

I'm really close to your age(18), so please, if you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to email me. I don't post my email online, but I can send you a PM through hatrack and give it to you.

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Telperion the Silver
Member
Member # 6074

 - posted      Profile for Telperion the Silver   Email Telperion the Silver         Edit/Delete Post 
Greetings Tara.
I'm 29 and gay.
If you read my first landmark you'll find my coming out story.
If you want to chat feel free to email me at pythagoras3@yahoo.com.

Good luck!

Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Joldo
Member
Member # 6991

 - posted      Profile for Joldo   Email Joldo         Edit/Delete Post 
We need to start a gay Jatraqueros thread and hang a sign outside saying "No straights allowed!"
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TomDavidson
Member
Member # 124

 - posted      Profile for TomDavidson   Email TomDavidson         Edit/Delete Post 
I think the latter part of that statement would be a bad idea.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BlackBlade
Member
Member # 8376

 - posted      Profile for BlackBlade   Email BlackBlade         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by TomDavidson:
I think the latter part of that statement would be a bad idea.

Its nice to agree with you on occasion Tom.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Pixiest
Member
Member # 1863

 - posted      Profile for The Pixiest   Email The Pixiest         Edit/Delete Post 
There *is* something nice to being in a place where everyone is "like you"... Especially when "like you" is relatively rare and and VERY often the target of ridicule.

But ya, it would be a bad idea for Hatrack.

Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Damien.m
Member
Member # 8462

 - posted      Profile for Damien.m   Email Damien.m         Edit/Delete Post 
I know exactly what you're going through Tara. I knew I was gay from an early age and I came out to my friends during the summer. They were all really supportive. Most of them were male and 16 too. So dont be afraid of coming out to your friends because they'll probably supprise you.

As for your mom, I would say not to pressure yourslf into telling her. That can wait. Tell her when you're ready to. She will understand why you didnt tell her sooner, so dont worry about that. Im not going to lie, it will be weird with her for a while but she'll come to terms with it eventually.

You'll soon see that coming out isnt as hard as you think. I felt sooo good when I told the first person and that unbelievable feeling of happiness will encourage you to tell more people. It gets a lot easier.

(((((Tara)))))

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Joldo
Member
Member # 6991

 - posted      Profile for Joldo   Email Joldo         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by TomDavidson:
I think the latter part of that statement would be a bad idea.

Where's the smilie that means kidding?

*mutters*

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PrometheusBound
Member
Member # 10020

 - posted      Profile for PrometheusBound           Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Especially when "like you" is relatively rare and and VERY often the target of ridicule.

If by "like you," you mean gay, then I would disagree that people "like you" are even relatively rare.

If by "like you," you mean openly gay, then you are right.

Either way, gay people are the target of ridicule, even by people who think of themselves as open minded.

Congratulations Tara! Not on being gay, since you didn't choose that, but on being brave enough to come out.

You've probably realized that Hatrack is unusual in that we have many religious conservatives and quite a few LGBT people and they mostly get along (we also have people, notably Lisa, who are very conservative, very religious and openly gay.)

Good luck in your life.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2