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Author Topic: Song Lyrics (Please Critique)
SteveRogers
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I came up with these the other day in the car. I wanted to get some helpful criticism, and you guys are fairly good at that. The parts in all capitals would be either sung with more emphasis or screamed. I'm not sure. There's not a set tune right now, so you don't need to worry about it.

Here it goes:

quote:
Like a crowd of crows
They fly right in
To catch us in the act
Of committing a sin

Paparazzi, camera sharks
Have no respect
For basic privacy
They reflect our flaws
With the greastest of ease

Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Are smooth

So, we say
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
And we scream
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Even sing
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!

Embarrassing photos
Show the world
Parts of ourselves
That wed like to hide

Strike as hungry wolves
Like vengeful eagles
Steal our moments
Rob our lives

Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Are smooth

So, we say
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
And we scream
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Even sing
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!

BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Its common courtesy
Which you lack...

What do you think?
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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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They have a Brit-pop and/or ironic heavy metal feel to them. I like them, though, like all lyrics, they have to be refined and rewritten to fit the song you're writing.
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SteveRogers
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I was kind of going for a mixture between punk and metal with those. Did I succeed?
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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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I think that, with the right intonations, and the right backing tracks, it could work.
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Nathan2006
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Hmmm... I'm not really familiar with that kind of lyric... It does seem kind of metal-ish.

I mean, the lyrics are unified, and they all advance the song (A trait hard to find these days.)

I think the line talking about 'showing people parts of ourselves we'd like to hide' has kind of a double meaning... Other than that, I can't really think of anything wrong with it.

I would switch the 'Wolves' part with the 'Embarassing photoes part'. That way Wolves will come first, like the crows did in the first part of the song.

So, we'd have Crows, Camera Sharks (Maybe reconsider calling them sharks), We're all human, Back SAVAGES BACK, Wolves, Embarassing photos, We're all Human, BACK SAVAGES BACK.

Just so you've established a pattern of animal metaphor first, then camera/photo reference second, followed by the prechorus (We're all Human), and a chorus (BACK SAVAGES BACK!)

The line 'Eagles' may inadvertantly correspond with 'crows'.

But that's all really subjective stuff, that doesn't really matter. I'm not even sure. I'm just throwing stuff out there.

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rollainm
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Sounds good, and I like most of Nathan's suggestions too, particularly the addition of a prechorus.

At risk of getting mauled by you metal fans, I'm actually getting a bit of an emo vibe from these lyrics. A style similar to Early November's "Ever So Sweet" comes to mind.

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Feer
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Wow, was I the only one who thought Country Bar song?

I like them a lot. Probably would do better with metal music then country, thats just what pop in to my head.

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Lyrhawn
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Sounds like a perfect metal or punk song. I like the last line "BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Its common courtesy
Which you lack..." the best.

This line though: "Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Are smooth"

struck me as odd. I guess I would just have to hear it and it might sound perfectly fine, but reading it with no musical connection it reads somewhat awkward. Something about intentions being smooth is weird too, but it might just be a personal diction thing.

If you ever get it set to music I'd want to hear it for sure. The chorus sounds like it could be pretty cool.

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solo
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I think that the Paparazzi stanza would need to drop a line to fit the pattern of the rest at 4. I also think that Nathan's suggestion of dropping the shark reference is a good one for the cohesiveness of the song. Also, the reordering would flow better.

I agree with Lyrhawn about the intentions are smooth being odd. That is probably the part that needs the most work.

All in all, I think this could make a pretty good punk song. I'd take a listen.

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TheHumanTarget
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I have difficulty critiquing lyrics because so much can change based on the arrangement and delivery.
More often than not, even great song lyrics look like nothing more than bad poetry when taken out of context.

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SteveRogers
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quote:


Like a crowd of crows
They fly right in
To catch us in the act
Of committing a sin

Have no respect
For basic privacy
They reflect our flaws
With the greastest of ease

Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Aren't crude

So, we say
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
And we scream
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Even sing
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!

Strike as hungry wolves
Show the world
Parts of ourselves
That wed like to hide

Like vengeful eagles
Embarrassing photos
Steal our moments
Rob our lives

Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Aren't crude

So, we say
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
And we scream
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Even sing
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!

BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Its common courtesy
Which you lack.

Is this what you meant?
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Nathan2006
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Yep... Although I wouldn't use the word crude... Don't worry about assonance there. You probably would need another 'oo' sound somewhere else, to help establish the assonance, but it doesn't have to be that particular word. But 'smooth' would probably work better than 'crude'.

I wouldn't say that paparazi 'reflect' our flaws, as much as they 'expose' them. Reflecting character is usually taken to be akin to 'emulating' behavior, and I don't think paparazi emulate the stars they photograph. Again, I'll say this again and again, this is all one person's opinion, and I could very well be wrong every time I tell you to do something. Go with your own instincts.

Trust no one. LOL

I would add the word 'they' to 'strike like hungry wolves'. Without that pronoun, it could be entirely possible that you are calling the fellow haters of Papperazi to 'strike as hungy wolves', and 'show the world parts of ourselves that we'd like to hide.'

You know, like saying "Hey guys! We should strike the paparazi like a pack of wolves, and show the world things we don't want people to know about."

With 'they', Everybody still knows that you are talking about the paparazi.

'They strike like Hungry wolves..."

Also (And this is the most subjective I've been so far... Feel free to completely ignore this.)

Crows implies carnage, corpses, an aftermath of sorts. Like vultures.

Crows 'fly right in', to finish people off after you've 'commited a sin', such as commiting mass murder. The only crows that fly in while the act is being commited are the crows that Sauramon used in The Lord of the Rings.

Wolves implies a pack, which works in the verse, so kudos for that one.

Vengeful eagles probably is the part that gives me the most problems.

In this verse, we have statements that are kind of disjointed; rather, they seem that way because the first line is a dependant clause. It would be followed by a comma in a sentence. Vengeful eagles are not the subject, embarasing photos are. And the subject of the song is about the people who take the 'photos', not the photos themselves.

Being somewhat disjoint is usually not a problem in most music, if you rely on connotations to fill in the 'blanks'.

Vengeful does not really go with eagles, for me at least. With eagles, I think of soaring far above the storm. Kind of inspirational. I admire eagles, whereas I detest crows, which make a suitable metaphor in the beginning of the song. I don't think Eagles 'steal', even in the most figurative sense, and 'photos' certainly don't.

Now, those metaphors could be viewed as fresh and original, and I'll tell you right now, having some weirdish metaphors is much better than having cliche metaphors. And, your metaphors may make perfect sense to most people. I could just be really off.

One more time. This is all subjective, and some of it I don't feel strongly about at all of it (Although some of it I do feel strongly about. Conviently, I refuse to tell you which is which.)

And it's a solid set of lyrics. They all further the song, and are unified, and none of the verses feel like 'fillers'. 'Filler's, if anything, are probably the pet peeve of mine in songs. You don't need to end a sentence in 'yeah', and sometimes, that really NOT 'what it's all about, yeah'. Good grief, just have a half of a verse. No need to put in two lines that repeat what you've already said, or worse, having nothing to do with the song!

<Sigh> I'll stop ranting.

Anyway, keep writing lyrics. You're good at it. :~)

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SteveRogers
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How's this?


quote:
Like a crowd of crows
They fly right in
To catch us in the act
Of committing a sin

Have no respect
For basic privacy
They expose our flaws
With the greastest of ease

Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Are good

So, we say
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
And we scream
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Even sing
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!

They strike as hungry wolves
Show the world
Parts of ourselves
That wed like to hide

Like angry class mates
Embarrassing photos
Steal our moments
Rob our lives

Were all human
So give us a chance
To truly prove
Our intentions
Are good

So, we say
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
And we scream
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Even sing
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!

BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Its common courtesy
Which you lack


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Nathan2006
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Everything seems much better to me. Just want to emphasize that point.

The only thing is 'like angry class mates', one, an off note, I think 'classmates' is one word, two, you are saying that embarassing photos are like angry classmates. Embarassing photos are not really 'like' anything. Some could argue with me 'that's a 'metaphor' stupid!', but Paparazi are the subject of the song, so, pretty much all of the metphors should be about them, not the photos themselves. Are photos, in themselves, bad? Are they like angry classmates? What are embarrsing photos really like, to a person?

So, I would sugges maybe not using a metaphor on that line. Maybe say...

" They eagerly submit
Embarassing Photos
[that] Steal our moments
[and] rob our lives "

Again, all of these are really subjective opinions about minute details. It's got to be really annoying hearing that over and over again, but I can't say it enough. Every single person could have the same song idea, and write it in very different ways.

Some may be better, but most would not be better or worse, they would just be 'different'.

So, feel free to be 'different'.

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Lyrhawn
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I like it without the "that" and "and" and just leaving it as

"steal our moments
rob our lives."

I like the edit to

"to truly prove
our intentions
are good."

I'm not sure how I feel about the angry class mate metaphor either. But I don't mind a metaphor there.

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SteveRogers
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I was trying to say that bullies, like incriminating photos, can ruin your life. Does it make sense in that context?
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Dragon
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I think "angry classmates" doesn't really imply "bullies," or at least, it doesn't to me. Mostly it's the "angry" part actually, because I don't usually think of bullies being angry. Cruel and hurtful yes, but angry? Maybe not the word you're looking for.
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Lyrhawn
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On the flipside, I also think of bullies as full of self-loathing and low self esteem, so "angry" makes sense in a wider psychological sort of way, but that takes a bit of thought for a song.

Given the context I think it's fine as it stands. But I should say my FIRST thought when I see "angry classmates" is school violence, like shootings, not bullies. That might just be me though, but the specific words "angry classmates" evoke a different feeling than I think what you're going for.

What about switching out "angry classmates" for "vicious bullies"? Or something similar?

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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SteveRogers, have you thought of any vocal lines/other instrument lines for the song?
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BlackBlade
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I heard you channeling Rage Against the Machine with those lyrics [Big Grin]

I personally liked reflect our flaws better then expose our flaws. But I would change the lyric to "they deflect our laws," as in they parry them off and are not punished. The being beyond the law is a dynamic that is not found in the rest of your lyrics while exposing our flaws is. The fact they hide behind freedom of expression makes me pretty mad.

See I liked, "vengeful eagles" because eagles just swoop in and take/rob things. Something along,

"Like vengeful eagles
Swoop for the scoop
Steal our moments,
And screach out lies."

Also if you could come up with a stanza about how they injure and kill people in their attempts to get pictures, and in so doing, get a bigger story by hurting people. That is pretty angering irony if you ask me.

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SteveRogers
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quote:
Originally posted by BlackBlade:
"Like vengeful eagles
Swoop for the scoop
Steal our moments,
And screach out lies."

Also if you could come up with a stanza about how they injure and kill people in their attempts to get pictures, and in so doing, get a bigger story by hurting people. That is pretty angering irony if you ask me.

Both good ideas. I'll see what I can do.
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SteveRogers
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quote:
Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick:
SteveRogers, have you thought of any vocal lines/other instrument lines for the song?

I have, but I do not have the capability to fulfill such parts.
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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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quote:
Originally posted by SteveRogers:
quote:
Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick:
SteveRogers, have you thought of any vocal lines/other instrument lines for the song?

I have, but I do not have the capability to fulfill such parts.
Have you thought of using any music-writing/tabbing software, like Guitar Pro? It's fairly straightforward, and I've written a few songs with it.
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SteveRogers
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Can it be downloaded off the internet?
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SteveRogers
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BUMP
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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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Yep. Link.
I have the full version (with RSE), and I'm not sure what the limitations are on the trial version.

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SteveRogers
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Does that link to the trial version?
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