posted
I came up with these the other day in the car. I wanted to get some helpful criticism, and you guys are fairly good at that. The parts in all capitals would be either sung with more emphasis or screamed. I'm not sure. There's not a set tune right now, so you don't need to worry about it.
Here it goes:
quote: Like a crowd of crows They fly right in To catch us in the act Of committing a sin
Paparazzi, camera sharks Have no respect For basic privacy They reflect our flaws With the greastest of ease
We’re all human So give us a chance To truly prove Our intentions Are smooth
So, we say BACK, SAVAGES, BACK! And we scream BACK, SAVAGES, BACK! Even sing BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
Embarrassing photos Show the world Parts of ourselves That we’d like to hide
Strike as hungry wolves Like vengeful eagles Steal our moments Rob our lives
We’re all human So give us a chance To truly prove Our intentions Are smooth
So, we say BACK, SAVAGES, BACK! And we scream BACK, SAVAGES, BACK! Even sing BACK, SAVAGES, BACK!
BACK, SAVAGES, BACK! It’s common courtesy Which you lack...
What do you think?
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
They have a Brit-pop and/or ironic heavy metal feel to them. I like them, though, like all lyrics, they have to be refined and rewritten to fit the song you're writing.
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Hmmm... I'm not really familiar with that kind of lyric... It does seem kind of metal-ish.
I mean, the lyrics are unified, and they all advance the song (A trait hard to find these days.)
I think the line talking about 'showing people parts of ourselves we'd like to hide' has kind of a double meaning... Other than that, I can't really think of anything wrong with it.
I would switch the 'Wolves' part with the 'Embarassing photoes part'. That way Wolves will come first, like the crows did in the first part of the song.
So, we'd have Crows, Camera Sharks (Maybe reconsider calling them sharks), We're all human, Back SAVAGES BACK, Wolves, Embarassing photos, We're all Human, BACK SAVAGES BACK.
Just so you've established a pattern of animal metaphor first, then camera/photo reference second, followed by the prechorus (We're all Human), and a chorus (BACK SAVAGES BACK!)
The line 'Eagles' may inadvertantly correspond with 'crows'.
But that's all really subjective stuff, that doesn't really matter. I'm not even sure. I'm just throwing stuff out there.
Posts: 438 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Sounds good, and I like most of Nathan's suggestions too, particularly the addition of a prechorus.
At risk of getting mauled by you metal fans, I'm actually getting a bit of an emo vibe from these lyrics. A style similar to Early November's "Ever So Sweet" comes to mind.
Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Wow, was I the only one who thought Country Bar song?
I like them a lot. Probably would do better with metal music then country, thats just what pop in to my head.
Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
Sounds like a perfect metal or punk song. I like the last line "BACK, SAVAGES, BACK! It’s common courtesy Which you lack..." the best.
This line though: "We’re all human So give us a chance To truly prove Our intentions Are smooth"
struck me as odd. I guess I would just have to hear it and it might sound perfectly fine, but reading it with no musical connection it reads somewhat awkward. Something about intentions being smooth is weird too, but it might just be a personal diction thing.
If you ever get it set to music I'd want to hear it for sure. The chorus sounds like it could be pretty cool.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I think that the Paparazzi stanza would need to drop a line to fit the pattern of the rest at 4. I also think that Nathan's suggestion of dropping the shark reference is a good one for the cohesiveness of the song. Also, the reordering would flow better.
I agree with Lyrhawn about the intentions are smooth being odd. That is probably the part that needs the most work.
All in all, I think this could make a pretty good punk song. I'd take a listen.
Posts: 1336 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
I have difficulty critiquing lyrics because so much can change based on the arrangement and delivery. More often than not, even great song lyrics look like nothing more than bad poetry when taken out of context.
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Yep... Although I wouldn't use the word crude... Don't worry about assonance there. You probably would need another 'oo' sound somewhere else, to help establish the assonance, but it doesn't have to be that particular word. But 'smooth' would probably work better than 'crude'.
I wouldn't say that paparazi 'reflect' our flaws, as much as they 'expose' them. Reflecting character is usually taken to be akin to 'emulating' behavior, and I don't think paparazi emulate the stars they photograph. Again, I'll say this again and again, this is all one person's opinion, and I could very well be wrong every time I tell you to do something. Go with your own instincts.
Trust no one. LOL
I would add the word 'they' to 'strike like hungry wolves'. Without that pronoun, it could be entirely possible that you are calling the fellow haters of Papperazi to 'strike as hungy wolves', and 'show the world parts of ourselves that we'd like to hide.'
You know, like saying "Hey guys! We should strike the paparazi like a pack of wolves, and show the world things we don't want people to know about."
With 'they', Everybody still knows that you are talking about the paparazi.
'They strike like Hungry wolves..."
Also (And this is the most subjective I've been so far... Feel free to completely ignore this.)
Crows implies carnage, corpses, an aftermath of sorts. Like vultures.
Crows 'fly right in', to finish people off after you've 'commited a sin', such as commiting mass murder. The only crows that fly in while the act is being commited are the crows that Sauramon used in The Lord of the Rings.
Wolves implies a pack, which works in the verse, so kudos for that one.
Vengeful eagles probably is the part that gives me the most problems.
In this verse, we have statements that are kind of disjointed; rather, they seem that way because the first line is a dependant clause. It would be followed by a comma in a sentence. Vengeful eagles are not the subject, embarasing photos are. And the subject of the song is about the people who take the 'photos', not the photos themselves.
Being somewhat disjoint is usually not a problem in most music, if you rely on connotations to fill in the 'blanks'.
Vengeful does not really go with eagles, for me at least. With eagles, I think of soaring far above the storm. Kind of inspirational. I admire eagles, whereas I detest crows, which make a suitable metaphor in the beginning of the song. I don't think Eagles 'steal', even in the most figurative sense, and 'photos' certainly don't.
Now, those metaphors could be viewed as fresh and original, and I'll tell you right now, having some weirdish metaphors is much better than having cliche metaphors. And, your metaphors may make perfect sense to most people. I could just be really off.
One more time. This is all subjective, and some of it I don't feel strongly about at all of it (Although some of it I do feel strongly about. Conviently, I refuse to tell you which is which.)
And it's a solid set of lyrics. They all further the song, and are unified, and none of the verses feel like 'fillers'. 'Filler's, if anything, are probably the pet peeve of mine in songs. You don't need to end a sentence in 'yeah', and sometimes, that really NOT 'what it's all about, yeah'. Good grief, just have a half of a verse. No need to put in two lines that repeat what you've already said, or worse, having nothing to do with the song!
<Sigh> I'll stop ranting.
Anyway, keep writing lyrics. You're good at it. :~)
Posts: 438 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Everything seems much better to me. Just want to emphasize that point.
The only thing is 'like angry class mates', one, an off note, I think 'classmates' is one word, two, you are saying that embarassing photos are like angry classmates. Embarassing photos are not really 'like' anything. Some could argue with me 'that's a 'metaphor' stupid!', but Paparazi are the subject of the song, so, pretty much all of the metphors should be about them, not the photos themselves. Are photos, in themselves, bad? Are they like angry classmates? What are embarrsing photos really like, to a person?
So, I would sugges maybe not using a metaphor on that line. Maybe say...
" They eagerly submit Embarassing Photos [that] Steal our moments [and] rob our lives "
Again, all of these are really subjective opinions about minute details. It's got to be really annoying hearing that over and over again, but I can't say it enough. Every single person could have the same song idea, and write it in very different ways.
Some may be better, but most would not be better or worse, they would just be 'different'.
So, feel free to be 'different'.
Posts: 438 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I like it without the "that" and "and" and just leaving it as
"steal our moments rob our lives."
I like the edit to
"to truly prove our intentions are good."
I'm not sure how I feel about the angry class mate metaphor either. But I don't mind a metaphor there.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I was trying to say that bullies, like incriminating photos, can ruin your life. Does it make sense in that context?
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I think "angry classmates" doesn't really imply "bullies," or at least, it doesn't to me. Mostly it's the "angry" part actually, because I don't usually think of bullies being angry. Cruel and hurtful yes, but angry? Maybe not the word you're looking for.
Posts: 3420 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
On the flipside, I also think of bullies as full of self-loathing and low self esteem, so "angry" makes sense in a wider psychological sort of way, but that takes a bit of thought for a song.
Given the context I think it's fine as it stands. But I should say my FIRST thought when I see "angry classmates" is school violence, like shootings, not bullies. That might just be me though, but the specific words "angry classmates" evoke a different feeling than I think what you're going for.
What about switching out "angry classmates" for "vicious bullies"? Or something similar?
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I heard you channeling Rage Against the Machine with those lyrics
I personally liked reflect our flaws better then expose our flaws. But I would change the lyric to "they deflect our laws," as in they parry them off and are not punished. The being beyond the law is a dynamic that is not found in the rest of your lyrics while exposing our flaws is. The fact they hide behind freedom of expression makes me pretty mad.
See I liked, "vengeful eagles" because eagles just swoop in and take/rob things. Something along,
"Like vengeful eagles Swoop for the scoop Steal our moments, And screach out lies."
Also if you could come up with a stanza about how they injure and kill people in their attempts to get pictures, and in so doing, get a bigger story by hurting people. That is pretty angering irony if you ask me.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: "Like vengeful eagles Swoop for the scoop Steal our moments, And screach out lies."
Also if you could come up with a stanza about how they injure and kill people in their attempts to get pictures, and in so doing, get a bigger story by hurting people. That is pretty angering irony if you ask me.
Both good ideas. I'll see what I can do.
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick: SteveRogers, have you thought of any vocal lines/other instrument lines for the song?
I have, but I do not have the capability to fulfill such parts.
Have you thought of using any music-writing/tabbing software, like Guitar Pro? It's fairly straightforward, and I've written a few songs with it.
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Yep. Link. I have the full version (with RSE), and I'm not sure what the limitations are on the trial version.
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
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