posted
My boyfriend and I just had a long and very serious discussion. He confessed to me that he was actually bisexual leaning towards gay. That scares me a lot because I really love him and I don't want to lose him to something that I cannot change.
He said that he's had intercourse with other men and he liked it, and that scared me even further, and that although he really likes women too, he leans towards queer because pretty much every woman in his life has let him down. I honestly think that it is a wrong reason because you cannot judge a whole sex for something that a few did. I told him that and he said that it was only part of the reason.
I honestly don't know what to do or who to talk about this. I'm so scared. I told him that I understand if he does turn out to be gay. I know he wouldn't be happy being with me since I'm a woman and I truly only want his happiness.
What should I do?
I'm confused, I'm scared and I just don't know what to do or where to go to.
For those of you who remember the drama of last year, please help me. I couldn't bear another heartbreak like that one.
EDIT: I have been with this man for about 2 months now, but I haven't seen him for a year because he's in the Army. Before, he used to be my neighbor and we'd hang out all the time. We didn't have anything back then other than friendship, but he confessed that he wanted something more those two months ago and I confessed that I had discovered feelings for him just a little after he left.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Honestly, I don't see how him being attracted to men that aren't you is any more dangerous to your relationship than him being attracted to other women that aren't you. If he's a stand-up guy who doesn't fool around behind your back, it doesn't matter who he isn't fooling around with, and visa versa.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I think we should start with removing the word "queer" from your post and replacing with a less negative word.
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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As a corollary, I don't see how it's any different if he breaks up with you because he loses interest in women or if he breaks up with you because he loses interest in you for some other reason.
It's a crappy situation, and the fact that he got into a relationship with you without being upfront about his sexuality (esp. since he's leaning away from you) makes all kinds of radars go off for me anyway.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Valentine014: I think we should start with removing the word "queer" from your post and replacing with a less negative word.
Given that AoD has made public in the past that she is no stranger to the gay/lesbian/bi/ts community, I'm not sure how her use of the term here is in any way more offensive than a gay person who self-identifies as "queer."
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:I think we should start with removing the word "queer" from your post and replacing with a less negative word.
Actually, "queer" isn't really considered offensive these days. There has been a pretty concerted "take back the word" effort among the LGBT community, which has been largely successful. Today, even gay rights groups tend to use the word to refer to the general set of non-straight sexualities- for example, the gay rights activism group on my campus was called the Swarthmore Queer Union ("SQU").
Altariel: That's a tough situation to be in. It sounds like you've taken the right attitude, and it's okay to be scared. But I agree with MPH... you shouldn't have to worry about him cheating with guys any more than you should worry about him cheating with other women. If he does decide to break things off with you because of his sexuality, that's a different issue- but it sounds like you understand that in that case, it wouldn't be either your fault nor his. You've done nothing incorrect or offensive, and he can't help the way that he's wired. I hope it doesn't come to that, though. I'm sending you both good vibes. Posts: 1321 | Registered: Sep 1999
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posted
Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he's trying to let you down easy. If he's satisfied with the current relationship, why even bring it up? He's been away for a year, he comes back and confesses that he's pretty gay, and mostly likes guys... It doesn't sound promising to me.
Hope things work out for you ((AoD))
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Altįriėl you need to have some more conversations with him about this. He respects and trusts you enough to open up about his sexuality. That's cool. But it's also a confession of other issues besides what his body likes or dislikes, such as he's been hurt by several other gals before.
Now if he's bi but leaning more towards men then the past hurt from women are just a tool he might use to get him to the gender he really craves.
Keep talking to him about it.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
Yet again, my advice is to break up. I can't remember the last time my advice has been anything but.
I mean, if he's bringing it up, I'm kinda with MightyCow. At least he is being honest about it. If he isn't going to be fulfilled with a woman, your healing process may be easier if you break it off now.
Ugh. I'm sorry. Either way, this is never easy. But I send you good thoughts, and strength from across the interweb.
Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Well he did say that he was pretty much dead center bi, only slightly more to the gay because of the problems he's had with women in his life.
I'm NOTHING like those women and I'm going to prove it to him. I don't smoke, drink, do any drugs, nor am I a psycho possessive freak.
I don't really want to break it off because he has proven to me that he really has feelings for me, and I also have feelings for him.
Cheating is the least of my worries, I trust him fully. It's him finding out he's gay that scares me. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to him for me to break it off because he confessed something like that to me. He was open and honest about it.
We both have a strong connection and I know that he loves me. It's because of that love that I cannot break it off. I wouldn't want him to feel betrayed. I'm willing to go through this to the very end.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Break up, Alt. For God's sake, you haven't even seen him since you started dating. IMO, you're just a way for him to feel all EM0OO!!11!1! about dating without actually having to date somebody -- which, if he's on the verge of admitting to himself that he's gay, is an extraordinarily safe and comforting position for him.
I don't know what you're getting out of it, though. What do you like about "dating" someone you never see -- besides drama? Seriously, men are a dime a dozen, and you've got at least a buck-fifty in your pocket. You can be friends with this guy without dating him; heck, if you were to decide to stop "dating" him, what about your current situation would change, anyway?
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
It seems to me that if you love him, the best thing you can do is support him in being who he is, and show him you love him. Things will turn out the way they turn out; you can't force someone to love you, all you can do is be nice to them and respect their choices.
Posts: 1785 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion: I'm NOTHING like those women and I'm going to prove it to him. I don't smoke, drink, do any drugs, nor am I a psycho possessive freak.
I don't think a healthy relationship requires convincing the other person you're not someone else. Clearly he has issues that he needs to work out. Do you really want to be his therapist, disguised as his girlfriend?
You seem like you can do a lot better.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Well, I'm a bit familiar with your situation, but from the other side. When I married my husband, I didn't understand my sexual orientation. It was only after we were married and our first child was born that I came to understand that the reason I wasn't sexually attracted to and satisfied by my husband was that what I really wanted was to be with a woman.
The thing is, as much as I love my husband and he loves me, it lands up being unfair to him, because he really deserves a wife who wants to have sex with him, who finds him attractive, and who doesn't just have marital relations out of a sense of "duty."
It sounds like this guy has come to the awareness that, while there is no reason you can't proceed as platonic friends, there are good reasons why romance would be ill-advised. It take him at his word on this, and let him go.
YOU deserve someone who is going to want you and be totally into you.
Also, I know plenty of folk who now consider themselves to be totally gay, but, when they were first coming to that realization, identified as bisexual. That's not to say that it is impossible to be bi, but perhaps it is best for him to figure himself out more before he becomes involved in a hetero relationship.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: And egad, the guy's a jerk. Here are two posts from him on your Facebook wall:
quote: Sorry that it is like le over...when do you want to go on our "last date"? Moreover, like the ONLY date, lol...
quote: I come home... TOMORROW! Better be there to welcome me with open arms...btw, our relationship ends like tomorrow too...
Dude lacks class, Vianey.
Oh no no no no! That's not him at all. That's my best friend! We've had a Facebook relationship as a joke for a while. She "dumped" me because she was getting a real boyfriend.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I don't think it's a bad sign that he told you. In fact, I think it's a very good one. He's being honest.
It sounds like you're waiting as he figures out his stuff. That really seems like the only fair move. Are you going to preemptively dump him? That kind of would put you in the category of women who let him down.
You care about him. He cares about you. Alt, what matters is that he's attracted to you. Who cares if he's also attracted to men? You only run into a problem if the attraction between the two of you stops.
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Here's a series of 3 podcasts I just listened to the other day from Mormon Stories. They are an interview with a gay Mormon man, telling about his life. I found them very enlightening about what it's like to realize you're gay. The man is so honest and good and real, I felt as though I totally understood him.
If you would like to listen, I think you might find some comfort there. The interview is in context of his dealings with the church (which probably won't interest you much) but in the course of it he just tells about his life growing up and everything, and it's just really good. Here's part one. Here's part two. Here's part three.
posted
The fact that he is laying this out now, as opposed to before you started dating, is what makes me think he laying the grounds for an inevitable break-up.
I would agree with Celaeno had *this* been established well before the relationship was exclusively established.
I suppose a lot of my wariness comes from experiencing this pattern, with different details. A guy/girl admits confusion or discomforts, but without assurance. A little time passes and they take the path that provides the least discomfort for them, usually involving breaking up with someone that provided a challenge/cognitive dissonance/feelings of inferiority/whatevs.
Most of my bisexual friends that were male were decidedly gay in the end. I am sure there are exceptions, but if he's already straying in his heart, or in his head...
Care for him, but look out for yourself, too, okay?
Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
At 18 I had that relationship. He wasn't gay, but other than that, it was totally out of town and we just talked online and occasionally on the phone. There were other issues, possibly more harmful than him being gay, but I really wouldn't wish it on anyone. You're cute, you're fun, find someone who is there, really there, for you. Not that I have or I can say that much about that part, but I can say that a completely online relationship is a bad thing. The one thing you have going for you that I didn't is you're able to talk about it. I didn't tell anyone other than the guy anything for a year after it ended.
Posts: 5362 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
One thing I find interesting is many of my online gay friends have told me they've had bad experiences dating bisexual guys "because they always end up choosing women in the end."
Posts: 6689 | Registered: Jan 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Puffy Treat: One thing I find interesting is many of my online gay friends have told me they've had bad experiences dating bisexual guys "because they always end up choosing women in the end."
Let's hope he chooses women in this case too.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I'm always leery of situations in which you're already in a relationship with someone, and you're thinking, "I hope he chooses me!" I've always thought that the relationship was supposed to start only after that choice had been made.
If he's having big, serious issues about being with women, then in my completely-outside-the-situation-and-therefore-somewhat-ignorant opinion, he should not be dragging an actual woman through that experience. He should work it out on his own, then come to you when he knows what he wants.
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Vianey, seriously, dump the guy and wait 'til you can actually see him. Sexual confusion aside, he's simply not available for you right now.
But I note that most of your boyfriends have been of the "does he really like me/is he really available?" type, at least the ones you've told us about. That worries me. There's sort of a storied phenomenon out there about women who are drawn to men who are, in turn, drawn to men. (There's even an impolite word for such women.) To make a long story short, I worry that you're deliberately seeking men who are too remote or too sexually disinterested to be actively involved in your life, and wonder why.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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AoD, I'm not sure what you are looking for from us or in a relationship, but I hope it works out for you.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I don't know... It sounds like maybe he's wanting to let you know upfront. Kind of like saying he just got out of a very serious relationship, or that fling on the business trip wasn't just a fling. Maybe he just doesn't want to get serious with you without you knowing about how he feels. This way you can appreciate that he may feel a little weird with you every now and again.
But it's just as likely that he's trying to soothe his own conscience. Perhaps he wants to tell you so he can say later 'Hey, it's not like she didn't know.' if things don't work out.
There are tons of other possibilities.
If you think this could seriously interfere with your relationship, I think you should break it off. But that's just me. Maybe you guys should take some time to yourselves, give each other some space. Don't break it off, but don't expect to get back together either.
Quite honestly, I have never dated. So, I don't know what the conventions are... 'Seeing other people' and the like.
All I know is that If I were involved in a relationship, it would be because I knew that I wanted to learn more about that person, and be prepared to get serious. I wouldn't get into a relationship and think "Maybe... But".
I think the only place for 'Maybe, but' is in a friendship.
I really sympethize, and I hope this works out well for you.
Posts: 438 | Registered: May 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Valentine014: I think we should start with removing the word "queer" from your post and replacing with a less negative word.
Given that AoD has made public in the past that she is no stranger to the gay/lesbian/bi/ts community, I'm not sure how her use of the term here is in any way more offensive than a gay person who self-identifies as "queer."
Yeah, I'd say that "queer", at least where I am, has lost most of its pejorative connotation. The gay/lesbian communities at my university very proudly identify themselves as "queer", and I'm not sure they're doing it ironically.
Posts: 1762 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
You're young, right? As in, younger than 20 or right around there? I think it is entirely possible that you crave companionship but aren't ready for a full-blown, present, romantically-interested male.
You know, that's okay. I have some sympathy with that. It's okay to goof off a little with safe guys until you want something more.
If you do/did want a complete relationship, this is not the guy. He's not physically there, and he's not completely settled as to what gender he's going to really want. For a real relationship, he's a disaster. If you want to goof off a little with someone safe for while and have the fun/drama/companionship/practice of a romance still, then it might be okay.
I say might because if it's doing harm to you - such as causing you to doubt yourself or see yourself as anything other than fully desirable and worthy - then it'll mess up your present and future and that's not worth it. You're way too precious for that.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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I was writing some directions the other day and needed a coworker to make some changes to a document and track them. I sent her a file with Robert Frost's "Stopping in the Woods on a Snowy Evening" in it and asked her to change a couple of thing. She changed the "queer" in "my little horse must think it queer/to stop without a farmhouse near" to "gay" and "woods" in another line to "beer". It was a bit of a surprise.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Whose beer this is I think I know. His house is in the village though; He will not see me stopping here To watch his beer fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it gay To stop not near a farmhouse hey! Between the woods and frozen lake The darkest hour of the day.
He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there is some mistake. The only other sound's the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake.
The beer is lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
The more I hear, the more I think the only good answer it to end the relationship now. It sounds like he's trying to tell you that he would be happier with men. You need and deserve someone who desires you, and who you can spend time with - not someone who's physically and emotionally distant, and not a project.
Never date anyone who's more messed up in the head than you are Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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You mean you were instructing someone how to use the 'Track Changes' button in Word?
(I ask, because I'm having to teach other technical writers on my project to do similar things. And it's immensely frustrating that these simple procedures are not ingrained in their technical-writing-bones. But NOW, I wonder if it's endemic...)
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
That's exactly what I was doing. I'm writing special instructions for our staff site on how to do it in both Word and WordPerfect (people HATE giving up heir favorite programs) because it is so essential but few know how to do it.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
I think it is possible that he's telling you this as a full-disclosure sort of thing. I think that everyone who's serious about a sweetheart should tell her everything important. But it could also be that he's breaking up with you. You could ask him! I don't like the advice that "you should break up with him because he's trying to say he wants to break up." If he wants to break up, he should say, "I want to break up." I think it would be a shame if you decided that was what he meant, and he didn't.
I have known several guys who started out one way and ended the other. Your guy is in the middle. It also sounds like he is ambivalent but I don't know. But he does!
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I've read the thread and the responses and all I can tell you is you don't have (or at least haven't given) enough information for anyone to give you sound advice.
Frankly, I'm surprised that so many people have jumped to "dump him". From what you've written, we don't even know how this serious conversation started. Were you discussing sexual things and this came up? Did he call you and say "I've got a problem and we need to talk"? I think the context of the revelation can say a lot, and you haven't really been clear on that context.
I wouldn't dump the guy simply because he's bi, even "slightly leaning toward gay" unless you have other reasons to believe this is going to be incompatible with your definition of sexual fidelity. "Bi-sexual" doesn't mean "unfaithful".
I agree that you are probably selling yourself short by getting involved with someone you can't see and spend quality face-to-face time with on a regular basis. I'm not saying long-distance relationships never work out. Sometimes they do. However, the ones I know that are most successful involved people who were older and more experienced in relationships in general.
What does worry my, as has been pointed out before, is that you seem to be approaching this from a position of weakness, like he's the prize that you have to win away from all the other potential players. That isn't healthy. You need to know that you are just as much the prize in a relationship as the other person. If you have reason to believe he isn't as concerned about winning your heart as you seem to be about winning his, then you really aren't ready (IMO) to be starting a serious relationship together in the first place.
Again, all these things are based on assumptions and there are way to many to give "dump him" or "keep trying" advice. What you need to do is to fill in the blanks (for yourself). You need to know what this information means to him. Does his definition of sexual fidelity match you own? Is he prepared, no matter his sexuality, to be faithful to whatever definition you both agree to? And how serious are you? Have you agreed to date each other exclusively? How often can you see him? In my opinion, if you can't see him very often, and you don't already have concrete goals for getting rid of the "long distance" part of your relationship then you're not ready to be exclusive with him, anyway.
But the bottom line is this: Only you know the context of the facts you've given. Only you are in a position to decide what they really mean about this person. If you feel this revelation has sent up red flags about his fidelity or his seriousness about the relationship, then you should consider finding something better for yourself. If you're not sure, then you need to talk with him some more, honestly. If his bi-sexuality is going to always be a problem for you and cause you stress and feelings of distrust and inadequacy, you need to be honest with him about that, too.
But remember, it's not your responsibility to make up for past hurts from others in his life. You don't have to answer for his mistakes or those of others. If he expects you to, you've got way more problems than issues of sexuality.
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote:Originally posted by Euripides: Yeah, I'd say that "queer", at least where I am, has lost most of its pejorative connotation. The gay/lesbian communities at my university very proudly identify themselves as "queer", and I'm not sure they're doing it ironically.
Most younger GLBT folks I know use "queer" like it never had a pejorative meaning. I'm too old, I guess. It makes me cringe. But language is alive, and while I won't use it myself, I can't complain if others do (unless it's obviously being used pejoratively).
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
How old is he? How long has he been out to himself? How long has he been out to those around him? How long has he been having sex with men?
It's really hard to figure out what you want, and you can't do it for him. But the longer he's been working on it, the closer to a conclusion he might be. If "Bisexual, but slightly gay" is where he ends up, you're probably fine. (Heck, it's where I am and I'm married, faithful and going nowhere without my hubby.) But if he's very young he'll likely move from that spot.
Still, I think distance is more of a problem for you two than sexuality.
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
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