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Hey there Hatrack. 7-08-07 is the two year anniversary of my Mom's death. It's been an...interesting day. Went with my brother and my "aunts", my Mom's best friends these past few decades, to her grave stone. I've been kinda freaked out the past couple months. I miss her so much, and I don't feel comfortable expressing myself to anyone, not my family or aunts or best friends. Her last gift to me was the feeling of finally being a man. Hard to tell the folk of the internet what has happened but there has been a change in myself... I used to be so shy and cowardly... I still am to many regards but after her death I am to take care of the things that need to be done. I'm independent with a home of my own... and I guess that's the minimum that parents can hope for their children. I contiue with my music and my non-paying professions and that gives my life meaning. But still... I've had a few drinks tonight and even after a great night with friends I still fall back to sadness and loneiness. Momma, for all her ills, issues, and meanness, was beautiful, classy, and elegant.
I could always call her up and ask her the meaning of obscure words. She was always emotionally honest...a healer and a perpetual mother. She lived for helping others. True her sons were failures in the traditional thinking of our family, but she never gave up on us.
It seems like yesterday since I found her dead, and yet like a lifetime ago.
There is so much more to the story and I apologize for not exponding on the details... but I'm a little buzzed and tired...
I'm sorry too for being such a lurker the past few months. My energy for participation has diminished...not for reading and engaging emotionaly, but for writing all my responses.
I feel wounded in some fundamental way and seem to be able to only afford energy to maintain the few true friends I retain.
I used to live for others... to the point that my own life felt like fiction... but I can't afford to feel that way (unless I'm rich or have another decade to heal).
I'm rambling of course... but I do love Hatrack (and Sakeriver for all the little time I've spent there). It is the one forum that I always come back to.
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Hey Karl/Telp -- I'm sorry for the pain. Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, although I don't know anything about the hard issues; I'm sure she has shaped who you are even though you felt she was disappointed in you. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you are able to find joy in your journey, even if the road is rocky.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Wow - it's been two years already? Seems like only a few months....
((Karl)) - my thoughts are with you as you work through this difficult time of memories. She does sound like an extraordinary woman, and you are a special man.
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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It's coming up on three years since my mother passed, and I still miss her. I wish I could ask her things...
It gets easier, and it does make you stronger, I think. But it doesn't really go away. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I can relate to the feeling of having lived my life for others. But what's that joke from Annie Hall? "I need the eggs".
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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