posted
So I have this deeply self destructive habit. The first memory I have of it is from when I was 10 years old - I'm about to turn 27.
What I'm trying to do is find a way to speak about this habit. That is something I have never done; I've never spoken about it with anyone else. I want to be able to explain myself to myself. I tend to think of myself as pretty self aware except when it comes to this one habit.
My problem is that I consistantly ignore one or two ongoing responsibilities, while diligently fulfilling all the rest. For example, when I was 11 years old I had a paper route. I was good at it. But for some reason, I stopped going to this one particular house to collect weekly payments. I suffered a great deal of anxiety over this for about 6 weeks until the family called me to ask why I hadn't been collecting their payments.
I'm a grad student, and I work very hard. I study seven days a week. I haven't had less than an A- average since my first year of university. I'm midway through a 2 year grad program, and I've been mostly doing just fine - except I've set aside two of my responsibilities, and I haven't picked them up since. It has gotten to the point where I may be kicked out of the program.
It's just very strange to me. It's not because I'm over worked; I enjoy my studies and they don't stress me out. If this is a matter of laziness, why is my laziness so selective? Why do I work so hard on everything else, and then ignore these vital issues?
This has been a standard pattern for me for most of my life. There's always one issue that I refuse to deal with, and so suffer a great deal of anxiety over it. I love most of my life. In fact, the only real problem I have is this one thing, and it is entirely self created. And oh God, it hurts, I want to sleep and never wake up.
I want to be able to explain this to myself. Why would I choose to possibly destroy all hopes of entering my dream career? Why does this one habit dog me? Why can't I have a fun self destructive habit like sexual promiscuity?
Posts: 1515 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Is it physical or psychological? It's probably a combination of both.
You should see a shrink. A good one. Hard to say more based on your minimalistic depiction, but it sounds like some sort of anxiety disorder or internalized belief that success is dangerous.
A good, highly qualified shrink can help you through whatever it is.
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
I would agree that seeing some sort of counselor or therapist would be good. Since you seem to be incapable of tackling the problem, it will probably be helpful for someone else to be there to bring you through it.
And it does sound like something anxiety-related. I have similar problem that has already kept me from graduating on time and is seriously close to keeping me from walking in December too. But I've ignored the problem so long that I've started having panic attacks, that while painful, has helped me recognize the role fear and avoidance has played in my failures.
So maybe take some time to think about what might be the root of the behavior. Is there a particular reason why these responsibilities have been dropped while others haven't? Is there a pattern in what you avoid in your life?
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I have an anxiety disorder, and I often do something similar. I take on a whole lot of work, and then I end up unable to face all or parts of it. For me, it's usually because I'm terrified that I won't do well or won't perform as well as I feel that I should. I'm so afraid of doing poorly that I end up doing nothing at all.
I think you should definitely see someone about it.
posted
I've had the same experience. It seemed like the anxiety associated with my initial lack of attention was such that I was unable to even try to start catching up. That would lead to me putting it off for longer, falling further behind, causing even more anxiety. I never really solved the problem. I just reduced the responsibilities that were causing this distress, though I understand that may not be an option for you.
Posts: 3275 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I have the same problem. There are certain things, such as practicing driving or doing a certain assignment, that I development a horrible feeling about. I put off doing it forever, and whenever I think about it, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It's usually triggered by some random thought, like fear of getting in a car accident or not being able to figure out how to do the assignment.
The way I get over this is by telling myself that I have this horrible feeling for absolutely no reason. I tell myself that it's completely irrational. I sort of turn my mind around and look at it from a different angle, and make it look not so bad.
Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
It always helps, to some extent, to know that others struggle with the same problem.
I think I've done all the introspection I can about this. I don't believe I'll discover some clear and revelatory answer about the origins of this problem. That being said, there is one thing that the responsibilities I ignore have in common: they involve working with other people. That doesn't help me understand the problem any better, though; I've worked with others many times in the past with no problems. It's even stranger because in this current case, I'm supposed to be working with a professor that I respect and admire a great deal. He's utterly dedicated to my success, and I expect we could end up warm friends -- except for my behaviour, which has been quite disrespectful. Ignoring emails and whatnot, because I just won't bring myself to click on them. I won't open them for the life of me.
I'm skeptical about the very idea of therapy, but I won't discount the possibility.
Posts: 1515 | Registered: Feb 2002
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I had a professor who was very encouraging and supportive. And he seemed to really believe in me. I was TERRIFIED to go to his class. I had panic attacks. I was just so afraid that I would say something stupid or do something to disappoint him. I'm having a similar problem with a research project I've had since February. I just...am so worried about doing the wrong thing and disappointing everyone.
Therapy can help you come up with constructive ways to deal with tis kind of thing, or just give you another outlet to vent.
I struggle with more general problems of procrastination and half-finished projects, and it's interesting to me that you're so specific: working hard and finishing most of your work, but consistently neglecting 1 or 2 tasks.
3 comments: 1) You ask "Why would I choose to..." You're not consciously choosing, your subconscious is choosing for you for whatever reason(s). 2) Is there anything else in common with the tasks you've neglected over the years, besides working with people? 3) You say "I think I've done all the introspection I can about this" and also you're skeptical about therapy. If you can't solve this problem on your own, you might need some therapy to get over this problem.
Good luck and I hope you overcome this!
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I'm skeptical about therapy for a few reasons. Mainly, I'd be wary of any sort of behaviour modification techniques. I don't want to be better intergrated into society. Not because I'm some sort of iconoclastic rebel, but because I don't just want to chase away my symptom in order to make life easier. I want to know what the symptom is a symptom of.
That being said, speaking about this might be helpful.
I say "I choose to" rather than "my unconscious made me" not because I don't believe in the unconsious - I do. I take the Lacanian version of psychoanalysis very seriously, and part of the ethical outgrowth of that is that I always try to own my unconscious. Yes, it's like there's whole other person in my life/mind making me do ridiculous things... but that other person is really [i]me.[/]
I'd like this discussion to continue along these themes. Motivations, therapy, responsibility. Why do we all do what we do? Why do we all do stupid things?
Posts: 1515 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
I don't think I understand your objection to therapy. What's the point of knowing WHY you do these things? Is it knowledge for the sake of knowledge, if you don't want to change your behavior?
posted
Everything you do is potentially behavior modification. It sounds pithy, but it's true. You continued habit is just behavior reinforcement (which, IMO, is behavior modification). So I think it's not really relevant.
posted
I totally understand the need to know the root cause of your problem. Realistically though, with or without therapy, with the condition cured (or at least helped) or not, you may never know that. It could have emotional causes, or some quirk in your personality, or it could just come down to brain chemistry, or some other reason.
You might find out what causes it, or you might not but be able to work around it anyway.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I find that work-arounds can sometimes help. I became completely unable to write a check, put it in an envelope, put on a stamp, and put it in the mail at one point. It was just something that was not going to happen, period. I started paying all my bills online and it was SUCH a relief! Problem solved!
Another time I was having difficulty getting started on doing my homework problems in engineering. Most of the classes I took in my major required me to work problems just about every night. Thermodynamics, Strength of Materials, Circuits, Radar, Fields, Statistics, engineering is a whole lot of problem solving courses, and they always have lots of homework. I found that if I got together with a classmate or two to work homework each day, they would provide the ineffable whatever it took to get us started, and I could provide help figuring out how to work the problems when they'd get stuck. I was good at that, just bad about procrastinating. Another problem solved!
Unfortunately, not all your aversions are going to be amenable to such easy solutions, but it's always worthwhile to stop and think if there isn't another way. Perhaps your anguish is needless.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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