Jeremy is my girlfriend's, Angela's, ex-boyfriend. They dated on and off through jr. high and early high school and had a...very close relationship in between her boyfriends. In the past.
Angela and I have been dating for three years and we don't plan on stopping...ever. When we first started going out Jeremy, I guess, thought that Angela and I would only be together for a few weeks, maybe a month or so and then she'd be his little toy again. He also said some things to Angela to let her know he thought this. While I wasn't very happy about it, I could understand why and thought a few good "Nos" would set him straight and whatever.
Time went on. Everything seemed fine. Jeremy and Angela occasionally hung out, but just friends so its fine. Then she came back once and mentioned that he tried to get her to kiss him "for old times sake. Its not really cheating." She said no.
It continued. They'd run into each other or he'd call or e-mail asking for her to send him pictures or...do him favors. She'd always say no, and I trust her, so I never felt like I needed to do a whole lot.
It kept going on, though, so I would answer the phone if he called her and I was there or IM him when he was online and tell him to back off. Tell him this was harassment, and he had to stop.
So, he "realized the error of his ways" and confessed to Angela that he felt really guilty and he didn't realize what he was doing was wrong. I thought "whatever," but so long as he left her alone...
Then he did it again. I pressured Angela to tell her mom what was going on, which she did. Her mom is...backwards in her thinking sometimes and just blew it off, basically.
Then he did it again. Just yesterday or a couple of days ago he IMed Angela and asked her if he could come over and see her dorm room, and while he was there he could "pleasure her orally."
She said no, of course. He claimed it wouldn't be cheating, of course.
So, I'm tired of it. Angela's tired of it (I think, I hope...). So, I guess my question is, what exactyl do we do from here? This is, of course, in terms of harassment charges or restraining orders, or even just an officer knocking on his door and telling him to stop. He's been told no several times, that she'll never do anything with him, etc, and he still continues. So, what now? I mean, do we just go to a police station and tell them? What kind of proof would we need? We don't have phone recordings or anything like that, and I don't think she's saved any e-mails or texts or anything...
Sorry if I rambled...
Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I guess she can look into whether there's any local laws on stalking. But she's the one being stalked, so it's kind of up to her.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I would imagine the next step would be to cut off all contact with him. If he calls, no one answers. If he IMs, block him or change screen names and don't tell him the new one. Any attention will be seen, I think, as positive by this guy, so give him none to use.
Posts: 3852 | Registered: Feb 2002
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quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: That's my question, as well. All the examples you've mentioned are of you telling the guy to leave her alone.
posted
Have you actually sat down and talked about this with Angela (as oppsed to talking to her about it)? If not, it would probably be a good idea to do so.
How old are the three of you, by the way?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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She's always told him no; I'm not sure if she's ever actually said "leave me alone; don't ever talk to me" before. She's rather passive in some ways, and I do think she enjoys the attention just a little.
I know she'd rather not talk to him anymore, though. She's blocked his AIM name and doesn't answer when he calls. And she's certainly never happy when he does get through and asks her to do these things.
But I know that she needs to be the one to decide to really do something; we're going to talk about it today. I just wanted to get some advice on what actually to do when/if we decided to take if further. If she needs to have recorded proof she has personally told him to leave her alone, or if what we've done is enough.
And I'd like you guys to keep in mind that he's not just romantically pursuing her hoping she'll soon be available; if that was all I wouldn't be more than slightly uncomfortable by it. These are overtly sexual requests. He wants to make out with her, "finger" her, "pleasure her orally," have her send him naked pictures of herself or "oh, well just your bra then?" Imagine someone creepy person asking your significant other to do things and you might realize where I'm at.
Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote:Imagine someone creepy person asking your significant other to do things and you might realize where I'm at.
If someone was doing that, and my girlfriend did not tell this person never to contact her again, she probably wouldn't be my girlfriend very long.
Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999
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posted
Ginol, I got a creepy stalker letter several months ago, and I couldn't even get the police to take a report (although the private patrol took one, so there is a record). Unless there's an overt threat, I don't think you really have any legal recourse.
posted
I have to back up Xavier on this. Even if she is a passive person, she needs to speak up and get him to stop. If she's not even attempting to get him to stop, then there's a different problem.
Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Regardless of what your girlfriend does, you could consider suing Jeremy for intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress and seek monetary damages for the emotional harm he has caused you and any damage he has caused to your relationship with your girlfriend.
Perhaps that would get him to stop. And you might even win a lot of money while you're at it.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I'm gonna go with it's really up to your girlfriend to grab the whip and send this guy packing. Honestly if he is this obsessed with getting her to cheat why should she ever want him around? You get her to call him up and tell him that not only are they not getting back together but that she does not want to be friends with a guy with such weak moral standards.
I'm not even kidding with that last part, there may be some awesome guys out there who can maintain platonic relationships with girls, but this guy is NOT one of them. If this girl is really, "with you" she is never, "hanging around him." The moment he asked her to cheat on you he forfeits his right to hang out with her alone, even, "as friends."
I can't tell you how important it is to me that you get this sorted out and figure things out.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
None of the relationships, sounds particularly healthy. Why not put your relationship with her on a temporary hold until *she* decides what needs to be done? You can't make these decisions for her, nor should you try.
And do you really *want* to be with a girl that can't figure out the answer to sort of questions on her own? It is part of the growing up process, but it also takes maturity to figure out when to distance yourself from a situation because interjecting yourself into it isn't actually going to help anyone.
Every one talks about putting "band-aids" on wounds. You can't be the Band-aid in this situation. A wound doesn't heal because of the bandaid. It heals because of the healthy formation of a scab helping to generate new skin.
Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote:you could consider suing Jeremy for intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress and seek monetary damages for the emotional harm he has caused you and any damage he has caused to your relationship with your girlfriend.
Is that even possible? To sue someone who tries to steal your girlfriend?
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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quote:you could consider suing Jeremy for intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress and seek monetary damages for the emotional harm he has caused you and any damage he has caused to your relationship with your girlfriend.
Is that even possible? To sue someone who tries to steal your girlfriend?
Absolutely. With a creative lawyer on your side, a lawsuit can be used to remedy just about any harm or insult conceivable. People really should consider filing lawsuits more often.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Oh good grief, I hope not. If you're 20 years old and lose your girlfriend, I'd hope you'd be a strong enough person to either win her back or else accept that the universe does not owe you money every time life turns out less than perfect.
Odd use of "remedy" there. If money actually does take away the pain of a broken heart, I'd question how sincerely broken it was in the first place.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Sorry, guys. I was just kidding around. (Bad joke. I will not delete my posts just so everyone can see how dumb I am and how awful my sense of humor is.)
Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
That bad joke caused me pain and suffering. I'm still trying to figure out what I should do about it.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: That bad joke caused me pain and suffering. I'm still trying to figure out what I should do about it.
I will gladly make payment to compensate you, and anyone else who may have suffered. Where should I send the check?
Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2005
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[Edited to add: so much has fallen down on you lately, but then that's a discussion for another thread, or another forum. Regardless, nice to see you here.]
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
First off she isn't still hanging out with him; far from it. When I said she used to, I was referring to two years ago before he started to get really creepy. Now she really does avoid him. She's blocked him online and doesn't answer when he calls or reply when he texts (is there any way to block that?). And this is all her doing. She's never gone up front and said, "Hey, stop it or I'll call the police" but she has taken steps to not have to talk to or see him for any reason.
I don't she really feels a need to threaten him with legal action because she'll always tell him no if he asks, and she doesn't believe he'll actually do anything beyond asking.
Second, this isn't some all-pervasive thing that consumes our relationship. Like I said, she takes pains to not have to talk to him, but once every three to six months or so he somehow gets in touch with her (calls on someone else's phone or different AIM name or whatever) and the latest incident was the last straw for me and got me thinking what could done legally...
Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2004
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... the latest incident was the last straw for me and got me thinking what could done legally...
[emphases added]
Ginol Enam, I think this is the disconnect that people are picking up on (and which is making some people uneasy).
This is her life, not yours. Of course your lives are intertwined, but they still each belong to only one of you.
I think if you and she have a different sense of when she is in danger, or if you and she have different expectations of the ground rules of your shared relationship, then that is a separate (and important!) discussion to have. However, I'm not sure from my read if you've separated out those different foci in your own mind, or whether these are all just jumbled together under the rubric of "pissed at this guy for contacting my woman."
I also think it's dangerous not to tease out these issues and deal with them separately. Women are going to differ, of course, but I've known quite a few who have not reacted happily to having a boyfriend mush them up together.
I wish you and her well. It sounds like a complicated and confusing situation.
posted
I was very hesitant to respond to this because I was concerned by the same things many others were. BannaOJ and CT (and others) have made excellent points.
If it were your girlfriend asking this question, I would recommend she read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Instead, I'm recommending it to you. There's quite a few things you need to read in it about why what you have tried to do is less than helpful.
Look, if she is bothered by this, then one of the things bothering her is likely the idea that the ex-boyfriend has decided to assert control over her. He has placed his wishes concerning her over her own. This can make someone feel powerless.
Even if you have the best of intentions, your response to this can exacerbate those feelings. Just when she needs the most reassurance that she is in control of her life, what you have done and thought about doing can seem like an attempt to take some of that control from her. Stop doing that.
Instead, find out how she feels. Maybe it's annoying to her but not so annoying that it's worth the hassle of doing anything else. Maybe she's afraid and will think that you think her silly for being afraid.
I also recommend the book to her, but I hesitate recommending that you give it to her because of my concerns about your not having, as CT put so well, "separated out those different foci in your own mind."
If she decides she wants no more contact with him, then she could try the following:
0.) If she feels threatened by any continued contact, she should contact the police with all her evidence. If she does not, then absolutely no contact with him will most likely discourage him.
1.) Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that she wants him to never contact her again. This needs to be direct and clearly permanent. No "I think it would be best if..." or "For now I would like..." She should say something like, "Do not contact me again, by any means, ever."
2.) Document the date, time, and wording used to tell him this.
3.) Document all future contact he makes.
4.) Do not return messages or take calls from his caller ID.
5.) If she has an actual conversation with him (because she answer's the phone without knowing it's him or he approaches her), she should restate "Do not contact me again, by any means, ever." She should say this and then end the conversation. Even this amount of contact can reset the clock, so to speak.
6.) If the no contact policy does not stop him from contacting her - and this can take 2 months or more after the last time she communicates with him - and she gets absolutely fed up, she can go to the police with her documentation and see what can be done. The laws vary from state to state.
This isn't about showing him he's wrong. It's about getting him to stop. Based on your account here, she's a long way from involving the police, unless step 0 needs to be taken into account now.
The book will give the underlying ideas behind these suggestions and I strongly recommend reading it before implementing these ideas.
It's not clear to me that something "needs" to be done at this point. That depends entirely on her.
posted
Or I know a couple of guys with vowel-filled names that can... er... Oh, never mind. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
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