posted
I have an 18 month old daughter, her mother and I are not together. Her mother does not want to communicate with me about behavior issues. There is almost no structure in her home. I'm having a hard establishing bedtime and other rules ( i know she is very young, but I'm more worried about developing habits than getting cooperation from her now.) Does anyone have any experience with this? If so I am all ears, lay it on me. Any links or recommended books would be great too. Maybe even make this the first time parents thread?
Dr. Sears promotes a philosophy called Attachment Parenting, which I recommend and practice with my own children. You wouldn't be able to breastfeed your daughter, of course, but the basic tenets would allow you to connect with her in a way that will help you understand her needs. He and his wife co-wrote The Baby Book which is the reference manual I use for baby care, including discipline. They have other, more specific books including The Discipline Book and The No-Cry Sleep Solution that may be helpful with your current bedtime problem.
My own opinion: I think it's important to remember that, while your daughter may be beginning to speak and run around like any other child, she's still a baby (most doctors would consider a child a baby until age 2). She has a high need for touch and companionship. She probably hasn't even gotten to the developmental stage where she realizes that she's a distinct person yet. In her mind, she's somehow the same person as those large parental objects that she's learning to call "mommy" and "daddy". When you want her to lie down in another room and sleep without you beside her, it's like asking her to divide her own self and then feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. I think most adults would find it hard to sleep if they felt such a division of self (I know I do when my husband has to be away at night). Good habits are wonderful to instill, but good attachment and bonding to you are the first step for any child. When a child feels securely bonded to a parent, can trust somebody in this scary world completely, she can then move out with confidence and make good, independent choices about her actions. Some would think allowing a child to be "clingy" would make her more dependent, but the opposite is true. Forcing her to take an independent step before she feels secure in it will make her cling harder and cause dependency issues throughout life. Allowing her to cling to you until she's ready to act will make that choice her own, will make it her independence. She owns it. That's what is going to make her a good decision-maker in the future. She will be able to trust her own judgment.
Since you and your daughter's mother are separated, it is even more difficult for your daughter to deal with being separated from "parts of herself" i.e. her mother or you. Night terrors or refusal to sleep in a lonely bed would be logical reactions from a child in that situation. I know it could be viewed uncomfortably by some, but the best solution, in my opinion, is to allow your daughter to sleep next to you. She doesn't have to share your bed, per se, but you could put her mattress on the floor next to your bed. If you feel OK allowing her to crawl in with you when she wakes in the night, mores the better. You haven't mentioned whether you have a new companion of your own at home, but I should say that I DON'T recommend allowing her to co-sleep with anyone who isn't committed family (i.e. sharing the bed with a stepmom is OK, sharing the bed with daddy's girlfriend [or boyfriend or what-have-you] or fiancee is not OK).
I've never experienced single parenthood as a child or a parent, so I can't say that I understand what you're going through. I do see, though, that it must be painful to have limited access to your daugher, frustrating to feel that you have no cooperation from her mother, and worrisome that you may not be making the right choices and instilling the right habits. It's good to get help and support from other parents. It's also admirable for you to be concerned and engaged in raising your child. Remember to take the high road and speak with kindness and humility, even to your ex, because your daughter is always watching you. If you do flub up, however, asking forgiveness from your daughter is a wonderful practice. Children are very forgiving and eager to make things right again.
God bless you in your parenting efforts. It's worth every ounce.
posted
The only advice I can think of is to realize that you don't have to be on the same page with mom. Just do what you feel is right, but don't make it a point of contention with the other household. It may take a while, but the child will learn that things are this way in one place and not in the other. It's practically that way with me and my husband and we aren't even separated. He doesn't like it when I pull the "are you going to do it my way or do we need to involve Dad?" But he's the chocolate man, and the kids have a routine of hugging him after prayers.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Wow Matt, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. The important thing is to focus on the things that ARE right. You and your ex are both involved in your daughters life, and you both want what is best for her.
Aside from that, the only thing you can really do is to establish routines in your own house. Kids will start picking up on what is acceptable where. My son is almost 4 now and spends a good amount of time in three different places: home, daycare, and with my parents. Being a single mom, I have to work full time, so he's been in daycare all day since he was very young. Recently I started graduate school two nights a week, so he stays with my parents on those nights. All these places have different routines and structures and rules on what is and is not acceptable. Believe it or not, kids can pick this up really fast. My son even tries to pretend some things are ok other places (eating cany BEFORE a meal for instance) to try to get me to give in to things he knows he's not supposed to do!
Anyway, good luck with things. If you really feel like your daughter needs more structure, you can always apply to the courts to let you be the primary care giver.
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I don't have any experience in the realm of dealing with an uncooperative co-parent in a separate living situation. I know our children have both benefited greatly from organization and structure in meals and bedtime routines. Even without her mother's cooperation, it seems like your daughter would benefit from your individual efforts at structure. I echo what DDDaysh said, that your daughter will quickly learn based off of the difference in environment what's expected when she's with you.
As far as what structure to impose, we've found that our key to good bed-times is turning off the tv, getting the kids in pajamas with teeth brushed and flossed 15-30 min. before bedtime. Then we read a story or two, sing a couple of songs, say prayers, and put the kids into bed. It took us a week or so of doing this consistently with each of our children before they really took to it. With our older child, we also had bath-time prior to the bed time routine. With two, we decided that was too much. Meal-time routines are similar; turn off the tv, gather at the table, usually a prayer (we're not perfectly consistent with this), and then the food.
Good luck with everything.
Posts: 2926 | Registered: Sep 2005
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The only thing that occurs to me is that often day cares and schools will have luck enforcing patterns (such as a nap time) even when their parents aren't doing a good job with this. I have a friend whose daughter naps great 5 days a week at daycare -- and they can't figure out why she won't take a nap on the weekends. (I have some ideas, but it's none of my business so I leave it alone.)
Toddlers thrive on routine and even at that young age, they can distinguish between the routine at place A and the routine at place B. So be CONSISTENT and patient and hopefully things will work out.
Sorry you're having to go through this. Posts: 2392 | Registered: Sep 2005
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It is perfectly normal for a child to be difficult to get to bed at 18 months. My children, up till about age 5 (meaning I expect a couple of more years out of the 3 yr old), have all been almost phobic about sleep. I have wondered if it just takes that long to really feel comfortable with turning off like that and reliably knowing that you can come back on. This may be the reason behind that old bedtime prayer-- reassuring them that nothing bad will happen to them when they close their eyes.
Also, expect your child to test boundaries... that's what they do. You simply have to be as patient and consistent as you can be. What her mother does, or doesn't do, *will* have an affect, but you have no control over that. Work on being the best father you can be, and gradually things will sink in. Remember, patience, and consistency. Those are the keys.
But wait till she's 2 or 3 and discovers the word "no". You'll love that! Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:Originally posted by aspectre: She ain't your hand. Quit being a control freak.
TROLL!!!!!
quote: But wait till she's 2 or 3 and discovers the word "no". You'll love that! [Smile]
One of her favorite words is "stop!". She will pick up the T.V. remote and try to change channels, and when I look at her or go to get up to take it she will tell me to "stop!" because she knows thats what I will say to her. I just raise my eyebrows and she hands it too me and says "tank you".
Also the other day she came up up me and said "wan ee!!" I said "what honey" "wan ee!" "you want to eat?" "yea, FFFOOOD!!" I cracked up and said "nope, You gotta eat your baby feet with mustard" She looked down, pointed at her feet and said "thoos" (how she says shoes) I said, good point, I guess I can make chicken nuggets.
Thanks for the help guys. I will check out those books DeathofBees, and also try to remember what you said about her still being a baby, even though she seems a little older. Posts: 278 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Just for the record, my son sleeps great and has done since he was 9 months old. I know a great many babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers who all sleep very, very well. I'm sure it depends upon the child somewhat, but I'm also sure it depends upon the routine. Lack of consistency can stop a child from sleeping well when they otherwise would have. Posts: 2392 | Registered: Sep 2005
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That may be the issue with my kids, then... there has been, unfortunately, a deep lack of consistency in their lives thus far. Oddly, bedtime has been pretty consistent... it's everything else that has been rampantly changing.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote: I cracked up and said "nope, You gotta eat your baby feet with mustard" She looked down, pointed at her feet and said "thoos" (how she says shoes) I said, good point, I guess I can make chicken nuggets.
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Um, my daughters both have had routines from very young. One is a great sleeper, goes down at a consistent time from when she wakes up from a nap, goes down a consistent number of hours after that after teeth brushing, story, prayer, and laying down with a sippy of water.
The other has been a consistent sleep-fighter and insomniac from day one. Like her mother.
It happens. Some kids are just like that. Routine can help but some sleep-fighters (like mine) will just start screaming as soon as the routine starts, instead.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
One thing I've learned about kids from talking to parents and from keeping my nieces and other babies (which is MUCH easier than being the parent, I realize) is that they're all different. They're people. You have to work things out however it works best with the individual child.
My only advice (take it for what it's worth) is refuse to allow your daughter's mother to be a source of contention or frustration. Just go ahead and accept right now that you have no control over that situation and it may be horrible. I think your daughter will appreciate it so much as she grows up that she's not in the middle of a tug-of-war or bickering between you. If she says "we do this at mommy's house" then you can say "this is how we do it here". When she's grown she'll have your example to go by, and your love to anchor her. I've learned that what you teach is not nearly as important as who you are, how you act, and your parental love for your child. Be the person you want your daughter to grow up to be like. Along with love, that is the most important thing of all.
Good luck! I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: Um, my daughters both have had routines from very young. One is a great sleeper, goes down at a consistent time from when she wakes up from a nap, goes down a consistent number of hours after that after teeth brushing, story, prayer, and laying down with a sippy of water.
The other has been a consistent sleep-fighter and insomniac from day one. Like her mother.
It happens. Some kids are just like that. Routine can help but some sleep-fighters (like mine) will just start screaming as soon as the routine starts, instead.
Shhhhh....I don't want to hear that....lalalalalala...
One of the things that scares me the most about having a second child it the possibility that they will be completely opposite to my son in this regard. Oh well, all I can do is create the consistency and pray. Posts: 2392 | Registered: Sep 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Tatiana: One thing I've learned about kids from talking to parents and from keeping my nieces and other babies (which is MUCH easier than being the parent, I realize) is that they're all different. They're people. You have to work things out however it works best with the individual child.
My only advice (take it for what it's worth) is refuse to allow your daughter's mother to be a source of contention or frustration. Just go ahead and accept right now that you have no control over that situation and it may be horrible. I think your daughter will appreciate it so much as she grows up that she's not in the middle of a tug-of-war or bickering between you. If she says "we do this at mommy's house" then you can say "this is how we do it here". When she's grown she'll have your example to go by, and your love to anchor her. I've learned that what you teach is not nearly as important as who you are, how you act, and your parental love for your child. Be the person you want your daughter to grow up to be like. Along with love, that is the most important thing of all.
Good luck! I'm sure you'll figure it out.
This is my plan, just do my best and give the rest to God.
Cassidy will go to sleep if I let her run around with a blanket until she lays it out and passes out. The only problem is sometimes shes up till 11:30 if I do that. Other times she will fall asleep in my lap, or if I lay down with her. Sometimes she scratches the palm of her hand on my goatee in her sleep.
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She sounds adorable, and you sound like a wonderful loving dad. I second the Dr. Sears recommendation, not to mention the consistency thing.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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:-) Consistency is best of course.... but it's not always perfect. The other trouble with consistency is that any little thing can completely throw it off. With the holidays comming up so quickly, it may be hard to put a routine into place now - but you can try!
I second what they've said about not getting frustrated with her mom, or at least not visibly so. There are alot of good books out there on "single" parenting as well, unfortunately I always read them at church with my parenting group, so I don't remember any of the titles. In one respect I'm kinda lucky in that I don't have to deal with my son's father hardly at all. (I know it's not good for him, but if you're in a bad situation, you have to look for the blessings.) That means there are no arguments about parenting!
Other than that, all I can say is be patient. My son has NEVER been a good sleeper. It will get better when we have a routine, and then as soon as something comes up, it's shot to pieces. (The time change is the WORST.) Right now I don't even really try anymore... he's at my mom's two nights a week (and she NEVER puts him to bed, so he's still up when I get there at ELEVEN) He'll usually go to sleep earlier at home, but I have to "play it by ear". We're doing much better with him staying in his bed at night though. Always before he'd sneak into mine in the middle of the night, but since I started a reward chart (he's working for a remote controled train) he's been better.
posted
:-) Consistency is best of course.... but it's not always perfect. The other trouble with consistency is that any little thing can completely throw it off. With the holidays comming up so quickly, it may be hard to put a routine into place now - but you can try!
I second what they've said about not getting frustrated with her mom, or at least not visibly so. There are alot of good books out there on "single" parenting as well, unfortunately I always read them at church with my parenting group, so I don't remember any of the titles. In one respect I'm kinda lucky in that I don't have to deal with my son's father hardly at all. (I know it's not good for him, but if you're in a bad situation, you have to look for the blessings.) That means there are no arguments about parenting!
Other than that, all I can say is be patient. My son has NEVER been a good sleeper. It will get better when we have a routine, and then as soon as something comes up, it's shot to pieces. (The time change is the WORST.) Right now I don't even really try anymore... he's at my mom's two nights a week (and she NEVER puts him to bed, so he's still up when I get there at ELEVEN) He'll usually go to sleep earlier at home, but I have to "play it by ear". We're doing much better with him staying in his bed at night though. Always before he'd sneak into mine in the middle of the night, but since I started a reward chart (he's working for a remote controled train) he's been better.
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Is does help dash, thanks again to everyone.
Grandparents are great, but they HATE being the bad guy/girl. My mom does the same thing. She even gives her '"sips" of pop now and then (grrr). But, I can't get mad because she is the worlds greatest (and free-est) baby sitter the world can offer. Plus my daughter is absolutely attached at the hip to her (I swear my mom and her moms dad are her favorite two people).
I'm gonna go eat macaroni and tuna fish. Cya
Posts: 278 | Registered: Apr 2004
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My baby does pretty good with nightime sleeping, though we haven't worked out the napping thing. Though tonight, we had "fun." Put her down for bed and heard her talking to herself for a bit. Then, she started screaming, that piercing scream that you makes you run to her. Get in and she is sitting in her bed, screaming. Her whole left cheek is red and bruising. I have no clue what she did, but I hope she doesn't do it again.
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Thats awful. maybe she hit her face on her bed post/ crib bars, or atoy or something. Sorry to hear about it in any case though.
Posts: 278 | Registered: Apr 2004
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