posted
Most of her research comes from watching too much television. She would have had more validity if she referenced Eugene Onegin where they spend the opening part of the opera singing about settling for reality over romance and then Tatiana wrote a love note to Onegin after knowing him for a few hours and at the end she ended up with a man who loved her a lot but wasn't Onegin which was good because he was a jerk.
But that might say the opposite of what she is saying. Oh, well. The article is another one of those fluffy pop culture things with no basis in actual reality and it's deeply irratating.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by scholar: I think this article is more aimed at women who think staying with someone who isn't perfect is settling. It seems somewhat immature, but there are a lot of women who are waiting for "the one." They have hyped it up so much, that no one will ever be Mr. Right.
Probably. Wouldn't it be more useful to explain that living in the real world =! settling than to try to convince them to settle?
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I don't think she was trying to say that. It looks like she sees only two possibilities: 1) Perfect Man, or 2) Settling. The third "3) Live in real world and do not expect perfection while still not marrying anyone you are not happy around or you have to hold your nose to contemplate." doesn't seem to be an option for her.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Not to be unpleasantly serious, but does she ever get around to any idea resembling that it is virtuous to value others as human beings rather than as means to the end of your personal satisfaction? I'm sorry I haven't read the whole article. I took a couple of runs at it, but it was just too far outside my reality, and I wondered if it might come back around.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I just read the article, and no she doesn't.
Also, it seems to me that the problems she describes would be solved less by settling and more by figuring out earlier what you really want in a relationship long-term. If what's important to you is a guy who would be a good father, then choosing a guy who would be a good father over a guy who makes your toes tingle is not settling, it's choosing wisely.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I can attest from experience that they are not.
But some of the stuff she was urging people to overlook seemed really superficial to me, and I wouldn't call it "settling" to prioritize what is actually important to you in a relationship (whatever that is for each "you") over nit-picky nonsense.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote:Also, it seems to me that the problems she describes would be solved less by settling and more by figuring out earlier what you really want in a relationship long-term.
There is a big difference between deciding what you really want in a relationship and deciding what you really want in a man.
Being in a good relationship isn't like owning a good car or a nice house. What makes a good relationship is more about how two people interact with each other than the characteristics of either person.
I know a couple of women who married men who had qualities they had previously described as "deal breakers". Both of them have been very happily married for many years. One of them actually had a short list of absolutely essential characteristics for her future husband (things like religion and education). The man she fell in love with and has been happily married to for nearly 20 years, had only one quality on the list and that was the one she'd included as a joke.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Who you marry has nothing to do with who you were when you were 20 and everything with who you want to be when you are 60+.
The strange thing is that in America we seem to want to stay 20 forever. I think this article reflects that insanity.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Originally posted by pooka: Who you marry has nothing to do with who you were when you were 20 and everything with who you want to be when you are 60+.
The strange thing is that in America we seem to want to stay 20 forever. I think this article reflects that insanity.
I dunno, I think it had something to do with who I was at 20, considering that's when I got married. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:Originally posted by pooka: That's because men are weird. On the one hand, they think they are personally quite attractive despite any evidence to the contrary. On the other hand, they really don't require that a partner be quite attractive.
Women, on the other hand, feel themselves to be woefully imperfect but are looking for perfection in others.
If that's true, then I was born with the wrong thingies hanging off me. Posts: 1080 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
I got married at 20 also. But I knew that I didn't want to wind up with the kind of man a 20 year old would pick.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I did. But I also wanted to want to be with him when I was 40, and 60, and 80. So I picked an all-around great guy. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I would like to find a guy that I want to be with when I'm 20, 40, 60, etc., but I realize people change. However, despite many people my age pressuring me to date guys that simply don't measure up, I have so far resisted. I can't see myself ever just taking whatever guy I could get. I know that no guys are perfect, but he has to have the same core values. Since I am interested in pretty much everything, I really doubt any guy I choose will like all the same things I do. I think as long as women are realistic about guys and their limitations, there should be no problem finding a guy that they love. Still working on finding my guy...it's slow going. Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
Liking all the same things would get boring anyway.
More important, I think, is to find someone who you are willing to change with together, who is willing to change with you, to work toward goals together and respect differences along the way, so you still get along even as you change. Because, let's face it, marriage itself brings a lot of changes, especially if you have kids, make career changes/choices, etc. along the way, on top of the normal changes that come with getting older.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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