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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » Having a Real Bad Week -- Could Use Some Good Vibes

   
Author Topic: Having a Real Bad Week -- Could Use Some Good Vibes
Alcon
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So it's been a really, really, really bad week already. And it's only Wednesday. On Monday I hit a state of dysphoria. It's the opposite of euphoria, it's basically depression. I spent the entire morning and a good portion of the afternoon feeling like I was on the edge of tears. Very weird for me, because I almost never cry anymore. My normal positive outlook on life, which is pretty well summarized by my favorite song At Least We're Dreaming by Eve 6: "At least I'm breathing/At least I'm alive/As long as I'm dreaming/Everything is gonna be alright", swung extremely negative. And I wasn't able to think the way I normally do, that it would all be alright just given time as long as I didn't give up. It was bad enough to get me to go to the Skidmore Counselor's Office and attempt to make an appointment, anything to try and help me figure out what the heck was going on, but they were booked through to next week. The only thing they had was an urgent half hour slot for suicide risks on Tuesday. Well, I was pretty torn up, to say extremely depressed was an understatement, and thoughts of just calling it quits on what then seemed like an impossibly hard life had passed through my mind. But I knew I wasn't an actual risk. Even in that state, even when the thoughts wandered through my mind, the rational reasoning part -- while not able to pull me out of depression -- was able to slap the thought down ("That'd be like gutting everyone I love, no way!"). So I took the appointment for the next week, and my depression lasted through the day. It finally started to wear off towards the end of the day after I got a little Frisbee practice in -- it's amazing what endorphins can do for you. So that was Monday.

Tuesday's nice weather cheered me up a bunch. Though there was still sort of the after burn of seeing my life through such a negative lens all day the day before, I hadn't quite been able to shake that negative view. I wasn't back to my normal cheery outlook. I just wasn't thinking about it. That is untill I started talking to someone about it late at night on AIM. My friend had picked up on the fact that I wasn't quite my normal happy self and asked me if I was okay. It got me talking about what had happened Monday and thinking about it again, and as I told her about it I started thinking that way again. Still not knowing why I was thinking that way I started getting really depressed again.

But I hadn't let on to her that it was happening again, so midway through my explanation she got distracted by a friend in real life and went AFK. By the time she got back, she had to run to something else and couldn't stay and talk. At this point I was feeling like absolute crap. Her suddenly disappearing like that when I was mid-trying to figure out what had happened the other day and was just getting to the meat of how I'd been feeling threw me to the extreme. The fact that I was starting to feel that way again was exacerbated by the fact that I felt completely abandoned. This was no normal friend, this was someone I very deeply trust. But I wasn't quite able to bring myself to ask her to stay and help me work this out when she came back and said she had to go, I didn't want to be a drag on her life and by the time I decided that I needed -- just this once -- to ask her to give up the other activity and help me through this she had left.

What happened next completely caught me off guard. I think I basically had a panic attack. My heart rate sky rocketed, I started breathing heavily, I felt winded as if I'd been punched in the gut, I doubled over on my computer trying to cry, but unable to, basically whimpering pitifully and violently shaking and shivering. Like adrenaline shakes. I had no idea what was going on. That's so far beyond anything I normally experience emotionally I had no clue how to handle it. I've never had a panic attack in my life. I didn't know what to do.

So I IMed another dear friend and with her help was able to get myself back under control. I think I've figured out what may be causing the dysphoria and what may have contributed to the panic attack. The Ambien I've been taking to help me sleep. Well that's just great! I now have a choice between a screwed up sleep schedule and... depression and panic attacks? Well I'll take the screwed up sleep schedule but that's a terrible choice. And I'm not positive that it is the Ambien, or that the depression will go away now that I've stopped taking it. I still have very mild constant adrenaline shakes.

So that was Monday and Tuesday. Guess what just happened today? I got a call from my to be boss this summer at Camp CAEN. Enrollment is down. They can't hire as many counselors as they thought. They're not going to be able to hire me, after all. I'd been really rather looking forward to another summer as an Instructor at Camp CAEN. My brother is gonna be a CIT there this summer. I was hoping to be able to get a good recommendation on teaching ability to aid me in getting into Teach for America. When I heard that the very mild adrenaline shakes I've been experience all day since last night's panic (?) attack picked up a notch again.

Now I'm sleepless and jobless. My week is bombing faster than I can keep up. I mean, yeah, it can still get worse. But it can always get worse.

Pile on the rest of the facts of my life: the fact that I don't trust my dad after his divorce of my mom and the way he treated her, me and my brother before, during and after it. The fact that I am currently alienated from many of the people who I would have gone to in a time like this last year. The fact that the person who I trust enough go to with stuff like this right now is on the other side of the world in New Zealand. And the fact that I still have piles, upon piles of class work to do before the semester is out -- some of which I'm fairly certain I will never be able to wrap my head around. And I felt that way about it before I got hit with the depression.

I could really use some good vibes, hugs, and any advise people may have for dealing with these sorts of things right now [Frown]

[ April 02, 2008, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Alcon ]

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MattP
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I hope you feel better. I'll go back and read the post now to see if there's anything more helpful I can add. [Smile]

OK... done. You should talk to a professional about this as soon as possible. Even if the suicide line is the only place that you can get to right away, they can probably refer you to someone to talk to about this without having to wait a very long time.

Of course, I'd be happy to talk to you if you'd just like someone to talk to. I'm online for most of my waking hours and can, except in very extreme circumstances, stay online until you're ready to be done. Of course, I'm also pretty much a total stranger, so I don't know if that sounds like something you want to do. Email me, if you'd like to talk.

Beyond that, I just offer the same ol' platitudes - it won't always be this bad (it wasn't always this bad, right?) and you *will* feel better. The stuff that sucks right now still sucks, but it's all transient. There are always other jobs and opportunities for happiness available in the future.

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ketchupqueen
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(((hugs)))

I am sorry you are feeling so cruddy. I hope things get better for you soon.

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Philosofickle
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Usually I'm too much of a cynic to be good at encouragement or sending good vibes, however I shall try to do my best.

I've gone through clinical depression and suicidal episodes, It's not fun. The difference is that those events didn't reflect much on the events in my life, just my attitude towards them.

Your in a different position in that the events of your life really do appear to be quite negative, however, control your attitude. Try to be positive in any way possible. Fake it till you make it, keep your friends close, and drink a rootbeer float.

((hug))

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breyerchic04
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Daniel, if you ever need to talk I'm here.

I wish I had better advice but I really don't.

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Dr Strangelove
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I wish I had something really helpful to say to you, but I don't really. I can say that I've been through that exact thing. It's kind of funny really. I had just come off of a few really weird panic attacks and was trying to talk with my best friend (the only friend I ever talked to about it) and she was trying to cheer me up by quoting Shel Silverstein poems. When she quoted one which I didn't have any memory of but she swore was in the book since she was reading it right then, I broke. I felt like my impeccable memory had betrayed me and that my mind really was going down the crapper and I had another panic attack right then and there. So yeah, I know sorta how you feel.

Beyond sympathy and, to an extent, empathy, I can't offer you much. But I can spout the same old words of encouragement, telling you that things will get better and that your friends really do care about you and that you are not alone, either in your immediate struggles or your mental state.

Oh, and eat chocolate, maybe some donuts (I love donuts) and listen to positive music, not downers. Maybe hook it up with some Bob Marley. I've been listening to him lately. "Three Little Birds" is a good song.

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erosomniac
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I remember my first (and only) panic attack; it was as terrifying and incomprehensible as you've described. It sounds like a really crappy week you've been having, and I'm really sorry.
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quidscribis
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Panic attacks suck. Depression sucks. Wacky sleep sucks. If the first two were, indeed, caused by the solution for the third, then are possible solutions.

Ambien is not the only kind of sleeping pill available. There are a whole lot more, and you can probably find one that doesn't have those side effects. Get thee to a doctor and get something else. Make sure you tell the doc everything, including the depression and panic attacks.

Good luck.

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Sm34rZ
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I hope you feel better and that things will start going better for you.

I find that uplifting/inspirational music can help my mood lots when I'm down in the dumps. Try searching for "uplifting music" in YouTube, maybe you'll find something you'll like. [Smile]

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amira tharani
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Alcon I hope things get better for you soon.

On a practical note, one of the things that helped me a lot when I went through a phase of depression/anxiety (fairly mild, but still a bit scary) was going to a local park and feeding the ducks. It sounds daft, but it did 3 things for me: 1. got me out of the house and into fresh air, 2. stopped the icky voice in my head, 3. made me realise that there were good things about being alive. It's still something that I do if I'm down.

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Eaquae Legit
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That stinks. See if you can't get out and play frisbee some more. Or feed the ducks, like amira does. (I myself enjoy chasing them. They waddle and sometimes quack indignantly, and it's really comical.)

Other than that, what quid said. Get to the doc and see about trying a different med. I really hope things take an upswing soon!

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Toretha
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Try googling to see if there's a crisis phone line in your area. We've one here in our town you can call when you're having troubles like that and need someone to talk to, and I know a lot of other places also have them.

It sounds like you really have a healthy attitude about this, which, miserable as it is now, is a very good thing.

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Shanna
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Keep taking those little steps forward. Talk to your doctor about Ambien side-effects, talk to a therapist, go see a career counselor about other TFA application-building-jobs, and get outside. You know that helps, so keep it up. I did that alot when I was depressed. Just got out in the fresh air.

Maybe try something to refocus your energy. Take up a new hobby or something.

It sounds like you're pretty self-aware and are taking the proper steps. Just keep it up. We're all cheering for you!

Random P.S. but, are you talking about Ultimate Frisbee? Crazy game.

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