posted
Perhaps some years from now, as you'll lay down, And nodding by the fire, look at your seed: The youngest Howard, last one of your creed – Then into contemplation you shall drown. A pint a night, three shots a week downtown, And not an eyelid's flicker at this need; You were the model for a dirty deed, You were a man apparelled as a clown. Perhaps then, as the door shuts on your past, Excuses will have run out for your rage; You'll cease with frail banter once your last Parts, leaving you to rot at your old age. Then you, my father, will have understood Your son's resentment of your fatherhood.
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I know how it is, you want your parents to be better than regular mortals because, after all, they are your parents and should be held to higher standards than regular people. Turns out, though, that parents are just regular people, and, as such, are likely to disappoint us eventually. I know that I had difficulties with my father. And I guess I still don't really approve of his decisions and the way he chooses to live his life. For a while, I (and my brother and sisters) really didn't want to have anything to do with him at all. I didn't want him to have a part in my son's life. And then, I came around. I may not always succeed, but I try to live my life so that, at the end of it all, I won't be left with regrets. My dad won't be with us forever, and I know that if I didn't make my peace with him while I had time that I'd regret it. So I welcomed him back into my life. That doesn't mean that I approve of everything he does. But, you know what? It may not be my place to judge him, either. He's an adult, with adult foibles, and I'm an adult now, too. I can treat him as an adult, as my father who deserves respect because he is my father, but he doesn't have to be my hero and rôle model. If he ever comes to me for advice (and he sometimes does), I give it, but otherwise I don't tell him what to do and I don't make it my business to try to make him into something that he's not.
Someday, Jonathan, you'll be an old guy, too, and you'll have a whole set of foibles of your own, and maybe even a kid who will judge you harshly for them. When you get there, you'll understand the meaning of perspective.
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posted
I know my father had a rough time as a child - from what I hear of my grandfather's behaviour, it's not surprising that every single one of his children ended up with a broken or nonexistent relationship with me. I would describe some things but due to the fact that this *is* the Internet, I'll refrain.
My father doesn't have an easy time, living in Israel nowadays completely against his ideology. But he's too stubborn for the family's own good, and it's not by chance that my brothers (from both sides of my family, Mum's and Dad's) practically fled the house the moment they turned 18 - the situation had become unbearable for them all. But recently, these matters have taken a turn for the worse: my father and I admittedly always had points of friction, and my mother does drive him crazy every now and again as Jewish marriages proverbially do, but some things I will not take lightly, like my father calling my brother (not his son, but nevertheless his excruciatingly respectful step-son) "dog-brains" or "f***-wit" or something of the sort. My brother may not be the most intelligent or perceptive person in the house, true, and he may have not fully grown up even though he's 27 - but you do not go shouting at someone and blaming them for excessive mistakes they do when they're not done with malice. Having been confronted with this issue, and having told him (gently, over time) that the difference between everything my brother does and my father's behaviour towards him - is that my brother, at the very least, does not intend to harm; and what can my father possibly mean BUT emotional harm when he curses him every day?
I have dealt with that, though. But some things I won't tolerate. There was an instance when my father decided that it was appropriate to say to my mother "f*** you". I was ready to hit him on the spot; I didn't. I simply refused to talk to him until he decided to apologise. But I have lost respect for him after that incident and after he decided one time to randomly scream at me and consequently drive me out of the house for ten days in the freezing winter. I realised that there is a lot that he passed through, but I still don't believe that depression is an excuse to take it out on your family. Interestingly enough, not one of my siblings had a single word but approval to my approach - picking up and leaving.
Next year I'm going to be in Yeshivat Ma'ale Gilboa. The main reason is to get away from the family's-environment whose greatest achievement in the past four years was to give me suicidal depression. I realise that all my father tried to do after failing with his older son was devote himself to succeeding with me, and I will never forget that; but he's failed with that, and I shall never forget the way he swore at my mother. Perhaps that is why I have no intention of having some younglings of my own: I am afraid that in my attempt to correct matters and not have them end up like I did a year and a half ago - I will only end up doing the same to them as my father did, trying to rememdy his own father's mistakes.
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posted
That does sound like an unsatisfactory home life, and unfortunately, there is far too much of that going around. Leaving home sounds like a good idea.
I suspect that most people find their home life to be less than ideal, otherwise there would be a lot more people who never leave their parents' home. And once you leave, you can do all you can to stay out and be on your own.
I certainly wish you good luck with it, and good luck at Yeshivat Ma'ale Gilboa; I hope that it has what you are looking for.
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posted
Thank you, Tante. Just thought of posting the sonnet, ya know... Bit of iambic pentameter to jig along to. And maybe a way to let others know how matters can turn out, and hopfully remedy all for the better?
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posted
Hesder is about 16 months in the army. Shiluv is the full three years spread over five and broken up by yeshiva.
Ideally I would not get drafted. Seeing as it's the law in Israel, I won't be slacking off butdoing my full national duty, and perhaps even more... Who knows? We'll have to see how things work out with the army, but I might get an M.A. through it.
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quote:Originally posted by rivka: *peruses yeshiva's website*
I did too. Hey, Jonathan, maybe you can get a job there being their spell-checker! Looks like they can use one.
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posted
Jonathan, sorry to hear of the troubles at home. I do hope that going away to study will be a positive experience for you.
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quote:Originally posted by Jonathan Howard: Hesder is about 16 months in the army. Shiluv is the full three years spread over five and broken up by yeshiva.
Huh. I think some of the places I've heard called "hesder" are really shiluv then.
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Rivka, there were three places in Israel that were part of the shiluv programme: the yeshiva in Ein Tzurim, the yeshiva in Ma'ale Gilboa, and Bina - the secular beit midrash. Ein Tzurim will close for next year, though, and therefore there are only two shiluv places - of which Ma'ale Gilboa is the known one (Bina's often forgotten/neglected).
The rest of the yeshivot, to the best of my knowledge, are either hesder or black.
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