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Author Topic: flyby
Member # 3630

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Didn't really know what to make the subject of this, so I just made it me, since it is about me. I think I have come back here because I need a place of my own. Since I've been gone, I first had lots going on irl so I didn't really have much need of online community, and then since I got married, I have been more involve in my husband's website an the online community around it (TSC is how I'll refer to it). And then something odd happened there...

I don't really know how to convey to anyone what happened. I am 23, was 22 at the time, but I somehow ended up the adoptive (kind of) mom of a 14-year old (15 now) boy - werster. It's not a legal adoption or anything, it's moreso that I just love him and care for him as much as I can limitedly over the internet, as he lives in Australia. Not many people understand it, so I don't really expect anyone to understand that, but I hope that will not stop them from being able to sympathize with me being mom to a teenager, and seeing my boy push me away.

My husband has been sick with fibromyalgia for all of our marriage (2.5 years), and so I have carried a heavy burden in the physical necessities department. This past week he has just decided that things need to change, tells me that he has been pretending that we are close, pretending that he has not been angry at me for the past few years.

I will probably just use this thread to rant about my life, and to try and sort some things out, and to just have a place of my own once again.

I feel like my life is falling apart all at once, except nothing is really falling apart. I just have no idea what tomorrow holds, have no idea of what to expect. My son will probably not want to talk to me, but he also may be facing serious drama and desperately need me. My husband who has not really left the house without me for the past 2.5 years will probably go off on walks, and may or may not do things, may or may not be mad at me for things that I have no idea about, because he has not told me at all before when he has been mad, so I have no idea what things I do that upset him, but I now know that he is pretty much perpetually irritated. It seems like my calling in my personal life is to wait. Wait for my husband to figure out what he is doing and get his life in order so he can be ready to work on our marriage. Wait for my son to progress and figure out a bit of independence, so he will not be annoyed by everything I say, and feel like he hates me.

I have plenty of time for personal growth, to work on the things to help my own life, let me just be me. It is hard when the two most important people in my life do not want me, though. A lot of me just wants to go and curl up in my daddy's lap and cry. I never really even called him daddy when I was a kid. But that is how I feel. He is on the other side of the country though.

I like to create or admire beautiful things. That is one thing I love about my son, that I think just the person that he is, he is so beautiful and amazing, and he inspires me. I thought that what me and my husband had could be beautiful. I feel like we are far away from that now, though, and it will take so much time before we can repair what has been done. I also feel like there is nothing I can do right now, and it makes me feel helpless to make my marriage better.

I am not really looking for advice. I would like support, but I don't really even expect that, since I have been gone for so long, and most people probably don't know me. I feel almost like I am being self-serving and emo by making this thread. But I want to be able to talk to some people about everything that is facing me, and not just aspects. So, here it is, and here it will be. I am back. I wish it were under happier circumstances.

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Member # 4774

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I'm sorry...
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James Tiberius Kirk
Member # 2832

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I remember you, flyby. I was looking through the archives the other day, and I wondered where you'd gone. Sounds like a lot has happened.

Welcome back. I'm sorry things aren't going so well.


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Member # 4700

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I remember you too. I'm sorry things have been so rough for you.

I'm turning 23 in a few months, but I haven't really had any of the same experiences that you have. It's hard for me to give full advice or even support when I really have no idea what you're going through.

But... just know that I care. And I'm thinking about you. Ok?


Take it easy.

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Member # 9253

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Sounds like you're a natural care giver, which can be really difficult. Hope things come around soon.

I think you might actually find some people here who can relate to your situation. Good luck.

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Member # 4311

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I also was wondering what happened to you. Welcome back.

I wish I things were going better for you. [Frown] Hope your husband comes to his senses soon.

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Member # 6776

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Welcome back, flyby. It's good to see you again. As for your son, give him time and just continue to be there for him when he needs you. It's really hard being a teenager, and sometimes they need a lot of support and others they need space to be on their own. Have patience and continue to love him. He will probably eventually appreciate it.

As for your husband, he may be feeling really irritable from his disease, and because you're there you get targeted. He probably realizes this on some level, which is why he hasn't mentioned it so far. All you can do is wait for him to be honest and open with you, and then discuss and negotiate what changes need to be made to give you both room for happiness in the marriage. I've never been married so take that with a grain of salt. However, I have adopted a teenager that I met online, and he's doing really well lately. If you want to talk about it, email me at thetatiana AT gmail DOT com.

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Member # 9722

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flyby - I can't say I understand exactly what you're going through but that I do connect with that feeling of needing a place to share and also the feeling of being in a painful stasis while you wait for whatever is coming next.

I'm not particularly new to the forum but fairly unknown. However, if it helps to know that someone gives a hoot then I give you one.


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Member # 124

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How does your husband feel about your long-distance relationship with this teenage boy?
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Member # 1115

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Flyby, I remember you as well. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time of things, and hope that life improves for you soon.
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Dr Strangelove
Member # 8331

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I don't really remember you (looks like you stopped posting right around when I registered. Looking at your recent posts reminded me of the Word Associations thread, which I just bumped [Smile] ), but regardless, (((flyby))). I really hope that things get better for you. Take care of yourself.
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Member # 3630

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My husband thinks I have been wasting my time, and making werster's life worse. I don't really blame him, either, because I have just barely started talking to him more about him, because he seemed so angry at me at first. In retrospect, I think it was probably me just cueing into his anger for the first time, because I expected it might be there, and wanted to know if it was.

Thanks for all of your support. It meant a lot to me last night. Had a long talk with my husband last night. I feel like a big summation of the conversation is that everything he's been feeling is pretty much a reaction to things I did 2 years ago, only I never got to see what -actually- happened, because he masked it to make me happy? Or something like that.

I don't know. Somehow I need to figure out how to forgive him for the past two years, so I will not keep feeling this "yeah..but you did this!" feeling. Because really I feel like I have tried countless things in the past two years to work on our relationship and to make our marriage better, and it all falls flat, and he has never encouraged it really. So my goal is to quickly be able to put the past behind me, so that I can support him in his attempts to improve our relationship.

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Papa Moose
Member # 1992

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I have nothing that seems worthwhile to say, flyby, but I'm also glad to see you back and I'm sorry it's under such trying circumstances for you.
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Member # 8576

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Flyby, I am going to say this very gently because you seem like a very caring person that, perhaps, takes on too much of other people's problems.

If you do not have legal responsibility for this boy, who does? "Somehow ended up the adoptive mom" of a 15 year-old who lives far away does not make you responsible for his problems. I think that thinking about yourself as his mother rather than his mentor or his friend is carrying far too much on your shoulders. You don't "somehow end up" the mother of a fifteen year-old. Take it easier on yourself. You can care for someone without bearing resposibility for them as though they were your child.

This is especially true when you are carrying enough of a burden with your ill husband. This is particularly true of Werster is causing extra friction between the two of you.

Lay down some of that load; it isn't all yours to carry.

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Blayne Bradley

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I haven't known you when you were last active (when my handle was Sid Meier) though I am told you are a fanatic with games and wish we could have been friends then so this burden would have seen less isolating now.
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Member # 3630

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"Fanatic with games"?

Either way, I am happy to make friends now. Nice to meet you Blayne!

(Also I am feeling much better today. So yay!)

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