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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » Favorite lines from stand-up

   
Author Topic: Favorite lines from stand-up
odouls268
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I love stand-up comedy, and while I'm sure there are some people who don't like it very much, that's ok; I'll gladly watch their share of it in addition to my own [Smile]

I think my favorite line in comedy of all time comes from our friend Bill Cosby: Himself

quote:
So I said to a guy, "What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?

He says to me, "Well...it intensifies your personality."

And I said "Yeah, but what if you're an assh*le?"

What are some of your favorites?
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Godric 2.0
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Pretty much anything from Steven Wright.

quote:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I could go on...
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odouls268
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HAHAHA
Love me some steven wright. It's his deadpan delivery that sells it for me.

"Steven thank you for being on the show today, would you like to say a few words to set up the clip we're about to see?"

"Yeah, I think that when they see it, they'll be looking at it."

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Stone_Wolf_
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My favorite Steven Wright is:
quote:
If you had everything, where would you put it?
Also: Mitch Hedberg
quote:
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

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AchillesHeel
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Dave Attell is one of my favorites.
quote:
I make my own fun. Like today, I'm sitting on the couch, right? My dog's licking himself, right? I'm touching myself, right? We catch each others eyes -- we both start laughing.

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dem
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Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet...

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SteveRogers
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Pretty much anything from Mitch Hedberg. He's my favorite comic.
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Rakeesh
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"Hoo! Hoo! Who's next to die?!"
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odouls268
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quote:
Originally posted by SteveRogers:
Pretty much anything from Mitch Hedberg. He's my favorite comic.

"I dressed up for the CD"

"I'm going to invent cinnamon bun scented incense, because I don't always have time to MAKE a pan. Perhaps I would rather light a STICK. ...and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."

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Stone_Wolf_
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quote:
You know what they say you're supposed to so if you're being attacked by a shark? You're supposed to punch him in the face. Yeah, and when that doesn't work, you can poke him in the eye with your stump.
Robert Schimmel
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rollainm
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Mitch was pretty flippin awesome.

quote:
I like to hold the microphone cord like this. I pinch it together, then I let it go, and then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Brian Regan's got some good stuff, too. I could quote his whole car horn bit, or I could just link the video. Enjoy. And you're welcome. [Smile]
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PSI Teleport
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Mitch Hedberg and Bill Cosby are about the only two comics that make me continually laugh and produce tears.

quote:
Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the f---?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

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