Perhaps it's none of my business, and if so, I apologize, but it seems to me that really wanting to cheat and not doing it speaks great volumes to the dedication he has to your marriage. Many times we can not control our wants, but we -can- control our actions, and that he stayed faithful seems very telling.
As to therapists, sometimes you just have to go shopping until you find someone who gets you and has the right life experience to help, and that means hitting some duds until you do find the right fit. My wife and I were in couples therapy before we were married, and while our therapist wasn't the very best, she gave us some really good tools to use when problems came up and helped us communicate our needs in a way the other could hear.
Posts: 4617 | Registered: Jun 2005
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The not cheating depends on if he didn't because of me or because the girl he wanted was not interested. I think it was both. With two kids, he also did not have too much time to pursue other options. Which is one of his best qualities. He is a great dad.
Posts: 2223 | Registered: Mar 2008
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For what it's worth, my former husband and I tried twice. I think it simply boiled down to he really didn't want to be married -- at least not to me.
We both wanted to make sure that our beautiful son had the most stable life possible.
To that end, we attend church together as a family on a fairly regular basis, school functions, make sure there is at least one family dinner night a week, do occasional family excursions to the beach or whatever . . . etc.
Actually (and this is sad in so many ways, but so much better for our son who has very clearly articulated that he can tell a huge difference), we do better as a family in this fashion than we ever did as a "traditional" family.
So my divorce is now final, and I wanted to update this, in case any of you who leant me an ear, and your wisdom, wondered how it tuned out. We are able to deal with each other fairly well. Apparently she did not realize (and neither did I) that she actually made less money than me, so we are both dealing with a very different lifestyle now. We went with mediation, there were some points of contention, having a good lawyer was one of the smartest things I have ever done. Over all I think it worked out petty fairly. I found out shortly before Christmas, that she is pregnant, and it is not mine, which made me give up pretty totally on reconciliation. This may be petty of me, but that changed my view of her enough, that it made things easier. I don’t hate her, because I do not want to be with her, which actually makes dealing with her a lot easier. We are almost something like friends. And as for friends, I have found out how great a lot of mine are, one took me in, she is also a single parent, we are getting a bigger apartment when this lease ends. Other friends and family have crossed the country to help. I think things are moving in a good direction in my life. Being single is weird after being with someone so long, but not as bad as I feared. Speaking of friends, and I help, I really appreciate the help and advice from this thread. Rivka, it meant a lot coming from you, likely because I have met you in person, and know how great you are. And some advice really helped a lot, all was appreciated, but these stood out as majorly helpful:
quote:Originally posted by rollainm: Anyway, here it is: Whenever you do get around to some personal time, remember to embrace who you are. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's important. Do the things you love to do. Listen to the music you like to listen to. Eat the food you like to eat (within reason, obviously). Pick up that hobby she thought was a waste of time. Even if these are things the two of you shared, or things she introduced you to, that doesn't mean you have to give them up. Remember that you like it because you like it, and what she thought about it is completely irrelevant.
Took me weeks to be able to go to some of my favorite places, watch my favorite shows, etc. Reading this made it easier, to be happy even with things we once shared, thank you.
quote:Originally posted by brojack17:
1. Try to be nice: it will not be easy, but will be best for the kids. 2. Stand your ground: sounds like a conflict with the first but it's not. You may have to fight for what you want (kids). Stay away from mud slinging but fight for your rights. 4. Stay positive to the kids: they will wonder if it's their fault. It is never their fault. My daughter had a real sense of abandonment after my wife left. I told her every day that I loved her and I wasn't going anywhere. We just had to adjust to our "new normal" (I used that phrase before the TV show came out, I should have trademarked it). 6. Negotiate the terms on your own: of course get a lawyer, but working out custody, visitation, property distribution, alimony, child support, who claims the kids on taxes, etc. will save you a lot of money. Check on your state guidlines for these things, many are pretty standard. If you write it up, both sign and notarize, then give it to your lawyer then you will save a bunch of money in lawyer fees. If you need anything else, don't hesitate to contact me. My e-mail is my username at the Microsoft free e-mail service. (Think summertime+letters).
These helped a lot, we are staying really positive, and working together to raise our kids, and do the best for them. And our legal stuff went pretty fast thanks to having worked out so much on our own. Also even though I never contacted you, the offer was very much appreciated, thank you.
Posts: 1822 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Well, now you can start counting down the years until your kids are both over 18. That's what I've been doing for the last 9 years. Good luck. Try to keep your negative critical comments to her to a minimum. Save those for after the kids are grown. And truthfully, by then you won't even care anymore.
Posts: 3121 | Registered: May 2005
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I can absolutely relate to it being easier than expected. It's been two and a half years since the ex wife and I separated, and I can honestly say I'm a much happier, healthier (mentally and physically) person now than I'd been in a very long time. And yeah, you really learn who your true friends and family are when you go through something like this. I think I would have been strong enough to survive without them, but those amazing people sure as hell made it easier.
Posts: 1917 | Registered: Jul 2005
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