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Author Topic: New baby moral quandary
RivalOfTheRose
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To put in simple terms, a brief history:

My wife's sister is older than my wife. (mid-30s)
Our first son is almost two.
My wife's sister had a miscarriage of her first pregnancy.
Everyone is really sad, especially my wife's sister.
My wife's sister continuing to try, but unsuccessful as of yet.
We are ready to try for second child.

My wife and her sister have a great relationship, and I know this would put some strain on it. If we conceive, my wife's sister would undoubtedly be sad, upset, angry, jealous, and overall just sad. I know we have to do what's right for our own family, but how do we handle the impending situation if we are luckily enough to get pregnant before my wife's sister?

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theamazeeaz
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It sucks that people have to worry about getting married or having babies because someone else might be jealous.
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RivalOfTheRose
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I suppose jealous isn't necessarily the right word... just more of "why can't I have a baby, what's wrong with me?" as opposed to "why does she get to have one?"

It's very similar, but more like self-doubt as opposed to coveting someone else, if that makes sense.

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BlackBlade
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Do what you and your wife feel is good for you.

As for your wife's sister there's a few things you can do.

1: Tell her you plan on having another child, and that you'd like to ask her permission to name your child when they are conceived (middle name for example) after her if it's a girl. If you're comfortable of course.

2: Just be very sensitive about not discussing baby business around her all the time. Rubbing it in so to speak.

Ultimately though, she's an adult, and it's her job to treat you and your wife with love.

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PSI Teleport
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To be honest, I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that the sister should be asked to help name the child. That's like implying that she never will conceive, so the kind thing would be for Rival to let her play-pretend with his baby because that's as close as she'll get. It's probable that she already has one or more names that she'd like to use on her own children, so is she supposed to use them on Rival's with the assumption that she'll never be blessed with her own, or even adopt? Or should she pick some second-best names instead? I don't know; maybe I only feel this way because I'm a woman, or maybe I'm just cynical, but...yeesh. Dangerous ground.

IMO, the correct course would be to conceive another baby without consulting or warning anyone, and if Rival's wife becomes pregnant before her sister, just lovingly and carefully break the news. It will hurt the sister one way or the other, but Rival and his wife shouldn't have to feel trapped.

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dkw
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I agree with PSI. If your wife gets pregnant first, break the news to her sister gently, and be respectful of her feelings. Don't assume that you know what she will feel, and don't assume she will or won't want to hear talk about the pregnancy and new baby; ask her. She will likely have mixed feelings, and that's okay. She can be happy for you and love her new niece/nephew while still being sad that it draws attention to her own loss.
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BlackBlade
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quote:
Originally posted by PSI Teleport:
To be honest, I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that the sister should be asked to help name the child. That's like implying that she never will conceive, so the kind thing would be for Rival to let her play-pretend with his baby because that's as close as she'll get. It's probable that she already has one or more names that she'd like to use on her own children, so is she supposed to use them on Rival's with the assumption that she'll never be blessed with her own, or even adopt? Or should she pick some second-best names instead? I don't know; maybe I only feel this way because I'm a woman, or maybe I'm just cynical, but...yeesh. Dangerous ground.

IMO, the correct course would be to conceive another baby without consulting or warning anyone, and if Rival's wife becomes pregnant before her sister, just lovingly and carefully break the news. It will hurt the sister one way or the other, but Rival and his wife shouldn't have to feel trapped.

Hey, I like that advice.
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Jake
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quote:
Originally posted by PSI Teleport:
To be honest, I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that the sister should be asked to help name the child.

Was that in response to BlackBlade? Because he was proposing that they ask the sister's permission to name their child after her, not that they ask her to name the child.
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kacard
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One very sensitive thing to do is to be sure not to complain about the pregnancy in front of the sister. I just remember being in the sister's shoes, and having my 3rd miscarriage. It was tough. One of my close friends was pregnant at the same time and I was excited for her, until all I heard were her woes about how horrible it was to be pregnant. That hurt a lot.

[ April 28, 2014, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: kacard ]

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RivalOfTheRose
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Thanks guys for the input, I appreciate it. [Smile]
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Jake
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quote:
Originally posted by kacard:
One of my close friends was pregnant at the same time and I was excited for her, until all I heard were her woes about how horrible it was to be pregnant. That hurt a lot.

>_< I can imagine.
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happymann
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I have ten siblings. I am number 6 in my family (puts me right in the middle). My oldest brother has been trying for over 15 years to have a child with his wife. They've tried all different things and nothing seems to work. Recently they've been looking into adoptions but have been having legal difficulties as they've been trying to get Japanese adoptions (my sister-in-law is half Japanese).

Number 2 (my sister, who was 13 years old with 7 brothers before she had a sister) has two sons and has been trying unsuccessfully for more for somewhere around 5 years.

Number 4 in my family has 4 kids within 6 years of each other (and no twins). He had to get a procedure because it seemed that he would look at his wife and they would get pregnant.

Number 7 in my family has just two kids but the second one made it so that they can't have kids any more.

My wife and I have a 7 year old daughter and have been trying for 6 years to have another.

There are all sorts of reasons why we wouldn't really talk to each other. We handle it by living all over the world (England, Illinois, Paraguay, Utah, and Texas respectively) and not talking to each other. That might not be the healthy thing to do.

Point is, be sensitive. Life is difficult but in my world I will pick my wife's well being a billion times over the well being of my siblings.

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PSI Teleport
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quote:
Originally posted by Jake:
quote:
Originally posted by PSI Teleport:
To be honest, I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that the sister should be asked to help name the child.

Was that in response to BlackBlade? Because he was proposing that they ask the sister's permission to name their child after her, not that they ask her to name the child.
Yeah, it was. I read it three more times before I got that. [Smile]
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Geraine
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While I feel for your sister in law, your decision to have a child shouldn't be affected by what has happened to her.

It may seem insensitive, but putting your own life on hold in the hope that someone won't feel sad? If she is the type of person that would get jealous or angry at you having a baby, she is selfish.

I wouldn't consult with her at all, or offer to name the child after her to make her "feel better."

Don't rub it in that you are having a baby and she isn't, but if she isn't happy for you, that is her problem. Nobody can make another person jealous / angry/ sad except themself. Ultimately they choose what to feel.

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scifibum
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I don't think anyone suggested putting the new baby on hold.

I also don't think the problem is that the sister will feel that Rival and his wife have done anything wrong. She'll just feel that life is intensely unfair, not necessarily that the people around her should be trying to make it less unfair. In other words, it's not about her being selfish.

There may not be much that can be done about it, but there's no need to write off the person who will be hurting. [Smile]

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Geraine
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quote:
Originally posted by scifibum:
I don't think anyone suggested putting the new baby on hold.

I also don't think the problem is that the sister will feel that Rival and his wife have done anything wrong. She'll just feel that life is intensely unfair, not necessarily that the people around her should be trying to make it less unfair. In other words, it's not about her being selfish.

There may not be much that can be done about it, but there's no need to write off the person who will be hurting. [Smile]

I didn't say to write the person off. I just said that when you make a personal family decision, the only people that should influence that decision is your immediate family.
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