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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » A belated apology

   
Author Topic: A belated apology
Heisenberg
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A few years back, I joined this board under a different name, and I was a complete and utter asshole. I want to apologise to those I abused, and to offer an explanation. (Although not an excuse.)

Since I was 13, I have suffered from what is known as cyclical double depression.

http://www.m.webmd.com/depression/double-depression

Basically, I was chronically depressed all of the time, and every three to five years the condition would worsen to the point that I couldn't even pretend to function normally, or to take care of myself. Being an insulin dependent diabetic made this even worse. My life is a path of destroyed careers and relationships, and I can look back and see where the double depression hit in the same way an archaeologist can examine the fossil record and see where major extinction events happened.

At the time I joined this board, I felt like I wanted to die, and my actions here were an attempt to have others agree with me that, yes, I was a worthless piece of shit who deserved to die.

I dipped again a few months back, and it was a close thing. If not for the fact that I am in Britain, with the NHS and coworkers who made sure the proper people were alerted, I might well not be here. And, for the first time, I agreed to try taking antidepressants.

The difference is astounding. I would say I haven't felt like this since "x," but the truth is I was sick for so long that I can't even remember when it was that I was last well, or what it felt like. I can't even say that I'm happy yet, but just the difference between depressed and content has meant a lot.

So, I'm sorry to all who I might have offended or upset. And to anyone who knows people in a similar situation, try your best to convince them to at least TRY the tablets. It's not always easy - part of a depressed mindset is often that there is no possible way out, and it's not even worth trying, and that was one of my problems - but they do sometimes work.

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kmbboots
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I don't know who you used to be but I am glad that you are doing well and thank you for sharing your experience in the hopes that it might help others. I think that is brave.
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zlogdanbr
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Hi

I am glad you are better. I suffer from chronicle OCD. Not that one that is widely romanticized in Hollywood as being a simple obsession with organization and cleaning. I know these patologizes can ruin carriers or relationships in practice from my own experience. I take the medicine it is not a demerit to anyone.

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Heisenberg
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Thank you both.

The two previous handles were Shigs and Tittles. This apology was overdue and much needed.

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JanitorBlade
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I'm amazed that you were Tittles. I'll echo what kmbboots said. I'm very happy that you are in a better place. Doing what it takes to put yourself on a more sustainable course is not easy particularly in the situation you described. Good on you.
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Heisenberg
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I've actually started looking around for volunteer work that I could perhaps do. The fact that there are people out there who are in the place I was, and could be in the place I'm at now, sits wrong with me in a way that I've never really experienced before.

I already work with the mentally ill and those with learning disabilities, but I'm looking for something more depression centered.

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Stone_Wolf_
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Here's a tip for working with depressed people...don't call them an "oversensitive, passive aggressive manchild" [Wink]
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Heisenberg
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Actually, in my work, I'm pretty straightforward in how I talk to my clients about their behavior. I've had good results, and both the clients and my supervisors think I do a good job.

Good work in ticking two out of the three between that post and the other thread, though.

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Stone_Wolf_
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Well I wouldn't want to tarnish your repetition & prove you wrong w classy behavior...what fun is that?
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Stone_Wolf_
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And just for the record I'm direct...not passive aggressive. You might have noticed my directness...

You kno...where I tell you it's not cool.

But instead of answering my direct communication...you sniped about "dumbing it down" for me.

I'm afraid it is you and not me who is passive agro.

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Heisenberg
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That's one way of looking at it.

Another is, hey, I didn't really care whether you thought it was cool or not and declined to respond. Choosing not to respond to that, and labelling me having to dumb down a simple idea for you for what is was, had nothing to do with each other.

I dumbed it down, and labelled it for what it was, because people had been explaining the concept in increasingly simple ways and you were still "well it doesn't feel like that to ME."

Also, that post above, where you took a shot at my ability to work with the mentally ill because you didn't like my comment to you days ago in a different thread, complete with a wink emoticon? That is passive aggressiveness. Learn to dictionary, bro.

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Stone_Wolf_
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I strongly disagree.
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Dogbreath
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quote:
Originally posted by Heisenberg:
I've actually started looking around for volunteer work that I could perhaps do. The fact that there are people out there who are in the place I was, and could be in the place I'm at now, sits wrong with me in a way that I've never really experienced before.

I already work with the mentally ill and those with learning disabilities, but I'm looking for something more depression centered.

First, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story, and for being willing to work with people who are mentally ill. Having just done volunteer work myself, I can't even imagine how demanding, difficult, and sometimes heartbreaking that must be.

That being said, if you're thinking about volunteering, have you considered a suicide hotline?

The VA suicide hotline is so overworked that they have been known to put callers on hold, or just send them to voicemail or hang up on them. 22 veterans kill themselves every day, partly as a result of there just not being anyone there to help them. I've lost several friends in the past few years to suicide. Somewhat more personally, I ended up waiting a little over 6 months last year for a consultation with the VA. They are really, really terrible, especially when it comes to mental health, and I think that's an area where people like you who can empathize with what depression is like are desperately needed.

[ April 08, 2016, 02:11 AM: Message edited by: Dogbreath ]

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Stone_Wolf_
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quote:
Also, that post above, where you took a shot at my ability to work with the mentally ill because you didn't like my comment to you days ago in a different thread, complete with a wink emoticon? That is passive aggressiveness.
Had you not started this thread with an apology for past behavior...I would agree. Reguardless, not my proudest moment.

I'm sorry.

I'm not seeking open enmity with you, in fact the exact opposite.

Please refrain from name calling.

Thank you.

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CT
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Heisenberg, good to know you. [Smile]

Dogbreath, what an excellent idea.

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kmbboots
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Apparently, you can be pro not seeking enmity without being anti not not seeking enmity.
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Heisenberg
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Dogbreath, that is an excellent idea, but as I'm in the UK at the moment I'm not sure how I could help US vets, unless it was a VOIP kind of thing. On the other hand, I'd be surprised if there wasn't something similar for British vets. I'll look into that.

Two other really good groups here are the Samaritans, a 24/7 suicide/emotional crisis support group.

http://www.samaritans.org

And one I am particularly leaning towards, CALM, Coalition Against Living Miserably.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/

It's an amazing organisation that helps men suffering from depression and/or who are suicidal. I don't know the numbers for the US, but in the UK males account for 76% of suicides, and suicide is the number one cause of death for men under the age of 45.

Seriously, anyone interested in checking out a group that is unapologetically pro-men without being anti-woman, at all, check out the website.

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Dogbreath
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Oh, yeah, I just gave it as an example of how suicide helplines are underworked in general.

I checked out the CALM website and it looks really great.

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Samprimary
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i have always liked the idea of double depression — the only way to make psychic pain even more awesome! it's like double being on fire, or double kidney stones. woooooo

anyway, girlfriend is not quite on the level of dysthymia as far as i know (it appears to be more related to complex trauma) but for the depression part of her issues the most radically helpful thing she has ever received is ketamine infusion and it has turned her around pretty radically. the closest thing that some people have to a 'silver bullet' — so i recommend bringing it up with your doctors!

unless you have already been on a state sanctioned special k bender in which case disregard

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Stone_Wolf_
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Special K helped my wife when NOTHING else would help her migraine.

MDs ate really afraid to write that particular script for some stupid reason...ketamin is used in Europe by ems & is a very helpful drug (to my knowledge ).

CT no doubt knows more.

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theamazeeaz
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Well ... yeah. If there's a drug that can be used recreationally and has a potential to attract people to fake symptoms to obtain it for resale purpose, I can see why a doc would be reluctant. There's also a belief among certain other semi-legal drugs that have medical uses that it must be perfectly healthy to use recreationally (um, no), popularizing it more. I'm not really familiar with Special K (it was on the list in drug abuse education in HS, but I'm a dork who hung out with a rather square group of friends in HS, college and grad school), but addiction to painkillers can start with an entirely legitimate need.
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Heisenberg
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I've experimented with quite a few substances, the times I've tried disassociatives (DXM, never tried ketamine) I actually did notice that I felt noticeably better, not when I was high but for a few days afterward.

I'll bring it up with my doctor, but while the NHS is a literal godsend for me between this and diabetes, it's not too well known for funding experimental procedures. Fingers crossed, I guess.

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