Not long ago I tried to write a landmark for my thousandth post. It wasn't much of anything. No real worth, you know? Just muddled and twisted around. But today, something real has happened to me again, something that changes my life a bit, and so this should be a landmark post for me.
I'm guessing most of you by now know that I'm gay. You are joining the illustrious company of my brother, my friends, my drama directors, and, as of this evening, my mother.
So here's me. For most of my life, I've been an unemotional person. All right, they were there. But I chain them up, leave them somewhere hidden away. My emotions are not really part of me, neither positive nor negative, until they boil over. That would happen every few months, and I'd blow up one someone. Anger, despair, it was all blowing up. All the stress and excitement and happiness and sadness of months coming out at once.
I thought I was past that. You see, I haven't lost control of myself for three years. I thought I'd learned how to release emotion in healthy, small, measured doses. Turns out I was wrong, huh. Betcha nobody saw that coming.
Lately I've been getting angry at people easier and easier, snapping at folks who annoy me. Today for the first time in three years, I lost control not once, but twice: one small anger incident which was, nevertheless, more than any of my friends have ever seen me show, and a logn argument with my mother that led to me crying, yelling, almost throwing up with emotion. I came home and just felt myself bursting.
My mom came up to my room to talk to me about our argument, ask what was going on. I explained about my emotions building up. She asked what sort of stress. Was it school?--drama?--girls?
So what do I say, then? That it's 'cause I have something that makes me feel torn up inside that I can't tell her or my father. And I gradually tell her that not long ago, I had a boyfriend.
She cried. She cried a lot. This was why I didn't want to tell my mom or dad. I didn't think they'd punish me or something. I knew it would hurt them. She asked me about stuff, trying to understand. She already had some suspicions. Over Christmas break, she'd found a card a friend of mine had sent me. She told me she got out a lot of tears after that, though she still hoped it was a joke. I think I knew she suspected. She asked me questions a lot--who was I taking to prom, were there girls at my school I was interested in, and so on.
She cried. My mom's a strong Orthodox Christian. She believes that you're either biologically gay or gay by choice. Guess which is worse. And, well, I'm dating a girl. Well. She says she'll pray for me. She says she doesn't think she could handle seeing me with a guy, not for a long time, at least. She's afraid this means no grandchildren--my brother's a confirmed bachelor.
She asked that I don't tell my dad, not for a while, since he's hovering close on depression lately.
And at the end, my dear mother told me she still loved me no matter what, and no less, that she's still proud of me, and that has made all the difference.
I don't know why I feel happy right now. By rights, this should be putting a whole new level of stress on me. By rights, I shouldn't feel good.
But it's off my chest. And my mother loves me. And where before I had that swelling, curling ball of anger and worry, now I've got a balloon swelling up in my chest, lifting me up.
Life's never so bad as you think it is.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I've got tears too, reading this. I admire both you and your mom for being open and honest about this, and I'm SO glad your mom focused on her love for you and told you how proud she is of you.
Posts: 3147 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Basically what everyone else said. You have so much courage to tell your mom, and I'm glad that they she took it so well. I'm glad you have it off your chest.
Posts: 1789 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Glad you're making it. My mother has asked me if I'm gay on no less than 3 occasions. I'm not, but she seems to think I am. Then again, she also thought my cousin was gay, and he just got married (to a woman).
Posts: 354 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Do you see a connection between your emotional lability and your closeted status? And the post-cathartic peace of coming out? This, Joldo, is what a landmark ought to be. Not an insignificant reaching of an arbitrary post count, but the reaching of an important life milestone.
Good landmark. I wish you all the best.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Thanks Tante. I sort of realized after that this had to be my landmark, and while it was still fresh in my mind.
To be honest, I can recall bottling stuff up pretty early on. I mean, as a kid, I was pretty normal, just very long fuse. Middle school time period, I became extremely introverted. We're talking don't-utter-a-word-for-weeks-at-a-time introverted. And with something that's been building up so long, it really is lovely to have it off my chest.
I would like to clarify: it wasn't as sweet and peaceful as I wrote it. There was . . . well, a lot of tears. I don't think I've ever seen my mom feel hurt like this. That was pretty much why I avoided coming out: I didn't expect retribution, I expected to hurt my folks pretty badly. It was a painful experience.
I talked to her again this morning. I told her how I felt about the whole thing, and that I was sorry it hurt her. I think she felt hurt partly because it seemed like a violation of trust--she made a comment along that line. And so I promised her that if she felt that way, I wouldn't hid my life from her. I've always had a very close relationship with my mother--she and I have about two hours car ride each day to my school together, and we talk through most of it, plus she is the only living human being to share my sense of humor--and I think that I hid this for three years while telling my friends and my brother was extremely hurtful.
I hope it all works out for the best for you. In the short term lying about things like this can be easier than being honest, and we have all had similar situations come up in our lives (not being gay, but hiding something we were afraid of telling someone we love ).
However, for the long term being honest is far more rewarding, and removes a lot of stress from you and the people who love you.