Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Experiment (first thirteen) feedback! PLEASE!!!!!

   
Author Topic: The Experiment (first thirteen) feedback! PLEASE!!!!!
MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero
Member
Member # 3074

 - posted      Profile for MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero   Email MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero         Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, this is what I am attempting to accomplish- a full novel that is only six planned chapters away form being finished. I REALLY WANT FEEDBACK ON THIS!!!!!!!!! I also want to know who would read the whole thing. I’d post the chapters in different sections. Here goes nothing. Really…


Chapter One
*First Encounters*

Its bulbous yellow eyes stared deep into my eyes…into my soul. For the first time in my life I actually felt fear; fear that I may die here and now. It bared its horrible ugly fangs and breathed on me, sniffing. The breath that wheezed in and out of its lungs was a smell beyond death, beyond rotting carcasses it made meals from, beyond…anything. As it breathed, an ugly green puss oozed out at the base of its rotting yellowed teeth.

The creature suddenly grabbed hold of me with a hand. The hand had powerful fingers and huge claws that I felt puncture my skin. It squeezed the last breath of air I had from my lungs, and I began to choke. The monstrous thing growled. It was deep and rattled my bones. I glanced up and down the creature’s

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 19, 2005).]


Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero
Member
Member # 3074

 - posted      Profile for MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero   Email MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero         Edit/Delete Post 
Forgot to put this in!!:

This is a pure fantasy story. Its set only acouple years in the future, maybe around year 2011 or something like that. The main character's name is Alex Cinphor (sin-FORE) and he's a high school student(sophomore). Jake Martyn is the other character I vaguely introduced. Nothing special. Pretty much the entire novel I forget about him. He's...almost a filler character. I for one, like this story. I rewrote it maybe..oh...six times before I got a version that I liked. I'm stickin' with this one. It gets better. Trust me.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
x__sockeh__x
Member
Member # 3069

 - posted      Profile for x__sockeh__x   Email x__sockeh__x         Edit/Delete Post 
Wow. That is really, really good. =D I'd read on if I had the chance. ^^

I like your wording and stuff, but we're doing a short story unit in LA currently, and my teacher is teaching us that we should show the reader, not tell them. For instance, not say, It had large teeth, but maybe, Its teeth looked twice the size of a normal tooth, standing high over the gums of its mouth. Or something like that. I dunno. xD


Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero
Member
Member # 3074

 - posted      Profile for MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero   Email MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero         Edit/Delete Post 
Kewl. Truth be told... I'm only a freshman in high school. I like wording thigs differently, and using uncommon words that most can still recognise. I need acouple more to tell me that they'd read more. Then I'll post full chapters.

[This message has been edited by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (edited December 18, 2005).]


Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
x__sockeh__x
Member
Member # 3069

 - posted      Profile for x__sockeh__x   Email x__sockeh__x         Edit/Delete Post 
Truth be told...I just turned thirteen last month. XD
I'm in grade 8..lol. =)

Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero
Member
Member # 3074

 - posted      Profile for MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero   Email MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero         Edit/Delete Post 
yeah... I read that in ur... post...thing. The first one. Something about maturity. Nope. I got nothing there.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero
Member
Member # 3074

 - posted      Profile for MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero   Email MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm thinkin' about changing Alex's last name. What should it be...? think...think...think...
Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kickle
Member
Member # 1934

 - posted      Profile for Kickle   Email Kickle         Edit/Delete Post 
So are both of you guys old enough to understand what "this forum is for writers age 18 and older" means?
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
apeiron
Member
Member # 2565

 - posted      Profile for apeiron   Email apeiron         Edit/Delete Post 
Aw, come on Kickle. He's got more done on a novel than I ever have. Now he wants feedback from fellow writers. Nothing wrong with that. However, MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero, I wouldn't go around basically writing 'WOO!!! To young to be here! Yeah!' Why bring it up?

My only comment on the intro is that, if I was being attacked by that thing, I wouldn't be going through a mental list of its physical attributes. Not only that, the description takes away from the immediacy of the situation.


Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero
Member
Member # 3074

 - posted      Profile for MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero   Email MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks apeiron. I thought that a description would help the readers understand what the creature was. And yes, Kickle, I'm old enough to understand that, and I think that if I were to get feedback from peers who are older than me, it would help. I just really want to finish this, and I;m kinda in a jam on chapter twenty 'The Forgiving'.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TruHero
Member
Member # 1766

 - posted      Profile for TruHero   Email TruHero         Edit/Delete Post 
Kickle, I have to admit, that it can be a little bothersome. Especially when, right at the top of the page in bold red letters: THIS FORUM IS FOR WRITERS AGE 18 AND OLDER. But I guess if Kathleen is allowing it, what am I going to do, other than ignore the posts from known youngsters. Do they not have a Forum on this site for youth writers? Isn't that good enough?

I thought I was doing good to ignore the thread about profanity not being allowed on this site due to the rules that are in place. That thread ended up getting locked. I guess the rules don't apply in this case?

Kathleen, does that mean we could allow swearing here, at least on occasion? Or if I feel it fits the circumstances?

Boy, I can be an ASS sometimes. I guess it is just my nature. Of course, I have had over 30 years of experience, so I am quite good at it.

[This message has been edited by TruHero (edited December 19, 2005).]


Posts: 471 | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
x__sockeh__x
Member
Member # 3069

 - posted      Profile for x__sockeh__x   Email x__sockeh__x         Edit/Delete Post 
"So are both of you guys old enough to understand what "this forum is for writers age 18 and older" means? "

Er, y'know, the moderator allows it. I'm not acting stupid...if I didn't say what grade I'm in, would you have actually known that I'm too young to be in here?


Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post 
The rule about swearing is in the registration agreement.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2