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Author Topic: Subway
Sven
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Okay...So there's a 13-line rule for this? Is that in Word with size 12, or is that in this box?

Anyways, here's 13 lines. This is a story I've been working on, for...Well, quite some time. I went through a period of writer's block for a while, but I'm trying to recover from it. It's a story about an unnamed man who goes and ride a subway all day as a way of relaxing and sorting things out in his mind. Throughout the story, it's written in first person, narrated to the reader. The main character never tells much about himself, and he never receives a name. I didn't think that would be a hinderance, but I'll leave that up to you.

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Traveling by subway can be a very rewarding experience. Whenever I needed to process some information, or maybe merely think things over, I would get on a subway. I wouldn’t board with any intended destination; instead, I would stay on, near the back, and just watch people around me. I found it to be very relaxing. Today, I needed a ride through the tunnels, and so there I was, under the streets of New York City, waiting for a subway to arrive.

I was leaning against a support column, feeling the cool concrete through the shirt on my back. A few feet away, a mother was waiting with her daughter. The daughter, who appeared to be about four or five years old, was holding her mother’s hand. The little girl seemed to want to walk around, and was trying to pull away. Finally, her mother relented, and let the girl go.

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I'm intending this to be about a 10-paged short story, nothing long by any stretch.

I look forward to hearing any feedback!

[This message has been edited by Sven (edited June 28, 2006).]


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Swimming Bird
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This reads like a travel brochure.

Nothing happens here.


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kings_falcon
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What crisis is the narrator in? Why should I care he/she is riding on a subway? While I like some of the images, I don't get any sense of a story. Seinfeld, a show about nothing, worked because it was TV. A book about nothing won't work. Give me some reason to want to follow the narrator around on his subway trip.

You should check out the discussion page on "unnamed characters." There simply is no good reason not to give a character a name for 10 pages.


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MaryRobinette
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(Even Seinfeld had conflicts, they were just over very, very small scale things.)

To me it looks like you are starting with part of your character's backstory in the first paragraph. I'm pretty sure you could let us know everything that's there through characterization as we go through the story.

Try deleting the first paragraph and starting where the story really begins.


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Raisedbyswans
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I agree with Mary about deleting the first paragraph. You also have alot of passive language that makes the prose dull. I would work on getting rid of all the "was" stuff and focus on more dynamic verbs.

Also, unless the mother and girl have anything to do with the story, I would limit the description to one line, something like, " A young girl, filled with childish need to explore, struggled against her mother's grip."

Cutting the 1st paragraph, nixing the passive language and thinning out the mother/daughter description will give you more room to capture the reader at the get-go with the important stuff: conflict, drama, tension, etc.

I feel if you also told us what issue the narrator needs to mull over on the subway at the start of your story, then I would be much more inclined to soldier on.


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Sara Genge
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That plot is dangerous: it can turn into something wacky and interesting but beware, if nothing much happens soon enough it will be dull.

The nits:
"process some information" Is he a computer? Most of us don't use that kind of vocabulary unless we're talking about computers. Even if he is a formal kind of guy it sounds contrived.
Same for "boarding" (it's a sub, not a boat)

"Traveling by subway can be a very rewarding experience." Don't just tell me, give me a real reason. It must be rewarding to him since he does it for pleasure, I'll guess that soon enough. Make sure you tell the reader why this in particular likes subs. Detail and examples will probably do the trick. Is he agoraphobic and hates empty spaces? does he think the subway is cozy?

"cool concrete" cliché-ish
"A few feet away, a mother was waiting with her daughter. The daughter, who appeared to be about four or five years old, was holding her mother’s hand" Compress into one sentence such as: a few feet away a woman was holding a four or five year old girl by the hand. The reader will assume they're mother and daughter.

Hope that helps



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Shendülféa
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I think you have a good voice, first off, and I, for one, did not mind that a conflict was not introduced right away. However, I don't know if not introducing the main problem will work for a short story--a novel, yes, but not a short story. You have a limited amount of space in a short story to introduce everything: the character, the plot, the conflict etc., so it's probably better that you don't waste space having your character describe a ride on the subway.

Also, while it didn't bother me that your character does not have a name in these first couple of paragraphs, it would bother me if he/she doesn't have a name for the entire story. I, personally, need a name in order to picture a face.

And like others have said, deleting the first paragraph and starting with the second builds a bit more of an effective hook. But, as I said before, I like your voice, so don't change that.


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oliverhouse
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The semi-hook here is that the guy rides a subway to nowhere in particular. That sets him up to be a potentially interesting person, in a literary fiction sort of way. But I'd consider having him be intriguing for other reasons, too.

Maybe that can be done by having him note specific details related to something that means something to him: children? hair? people's fingernails? smells? accents? advertisements? Perhaps specific advertisements that relate to the problem he's thinking about (e.g., ads for AIDS treatment, cancer treatment, and other medical conditions), or traits of people that make him think things that characterize him (e.g., kinky hair and dreadlocks of black men, the tight corn rows of black women, the way black people don't look right in suits; or, for a more sympathetic character, the make-up covering the wrinkles on a young-ish woman's eyes, the faux turtleshell comb in an old woman's hair, the trite young man with his pink mohawk (why is he into women's hair so much?); or, for a creepy one, have him notice all of the youngest girls, and the curves of the back of their knees).

If you actually live in or near New York City, put yourself into the mind of the protagonist and go ride the subway for a few hours. I don't do it often, and when I do it's usually because I'm trailing some salesperson; but when I go on my own, I like to surreptitiously watch people.

And note that the surreptitiousness (is that a word?) adds its own sense of conflict. I agree with others that there need to be some sort of problem that he's dealing with, or you're limiting your readership.

Regards,
Oliver


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Tephirax
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I agree that it needs an added vividity, especially if you're going for a short story. You can usually get away with being a little wordy in a novel, but in short form every word counts.

Nothing happens in these two paragraphs, and the little girl actually has more character than the man watching. At least, I assume it's a man (and because you told us in the previous blurb).

Again, it's crucial to get things moving. If you're going to have the little girl fall on the tracks, stick that in the first line (or alternatively start with a few lines of sensations of subway travel, then kick into high gear for the second paragraph with something happening). If you're going to have the MC musing over lost childhood, stick that in the first line, then describe the child after the MC has imparted his gnostic wisdom.

Teph


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