The boy had been deprived of his birthright in more ways than one.
He had been the youngest, the darling – the Draga – of his mother, for nearly five years before the birth of his Royal brother, Ruda. Ruda displaced Draga in his mother's heart from her first glimpse of his sweetly curling golden hair, and she had focused on the infant with a fierce love that defied all decorum.
When the Turks had come, demanding proof of his Prince Father's allegiance to them, his Noble Father had pledged the lives of Draga and Ruda as a living oath to the Sultan Murad II, Ruler of the rapacious Ottoman Empire. On the boys' lives, he swore he would neither fight nor in any other way oppose the Turkish

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 06, 2007).]

Seriously though, where are the vam--I mean--this sounds very good. If you want to put a larger wedge between Draga and Ruda and further rob his birthright, let the father-of-the-year pledge only Ruda.

Lemme read it.

Is he really = Draga? It seems draga = darling, but also is the name of the MC? Or at least how you're going to introduce him to the audience? It makes that second sentence a bit choppy - you interrup the flow to say Draga, then again to say Ruda, and then in the next sentence you put their names 1 word apart...it could be that by introducing the name Draga earlier, you could separate out this a bit more. Then again, if you're not married to the names, you could also choose a name for one of the characters that doesn't end the same way as the other. Draga and Ruda sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s...LOL, sorry, just a little end-of-word-alliteration humor from me. (is there such a thing as end-of-word alliteration? Am I even spelling that right? Aliteration? Sigh, it's gotten too late.)

OK, then in that second paragraph, you seem to drive home the point about the boys lives...noble father pledged their lives, on their lives he swore, giving the boys into the sultan's keeping... I think it's safe to say we get it. Just a thought for you for revision time, perhaps this could be simplified? This is where I made the prince/noble father observation too. Same dude? If so, why two different names just a comma away from one another? FWIW, I suspect Noble Father fits the tone of your piece better. Don't need the prince thing, it's somewhat apparent from the events - pledging children into servitude of the Sultan and not to oppose him, for instance, that Noble Father isn't just a chicken farmer. You could always give the Noble Father the title of prince later if it's really needed.

Answering your question - this piece absolutely works as a 3rd person piece. The line "defied all decorum" is priceless.

I'd offer to read, but eep - I think I might be delinquent with something I had promised to read for you a while back - think that's possible? Are you sitting around pining for my crit? Let me know. I fell off the space-time continuum over the weekend and am only just getting back on.

Kayti, are you sure you're not Allietterating? Thanks for the suggestions on keeping it tight, greatly appreciated. And I frequently hang around pining for one of your insightful crits, whether you've offered or not . If you've got something done, cool, if not, I'd be glad to have you crit this one when it's ready, instead. Glad to hear you got that time warp thing straightened out. I don't have too much trouble with it, but my husband does, and man, it's a bear! Oh, no, wait - that was Brad and Janet. Sorry.

PS - I'm thinking this is going to be a longer piece, maybe in three installments, like the Monk. So now I've warned you, and that's that.

At this point, I can't point out too many technical issues. I'd do away with rapacious myself - it's an empire demanding vassal hostages, after all. Probably not benevolent, then. I enjoy the change to third-person, too; it's not that I got tired of hearing your voice, Deb, but variation is nice, and you accomplish this with aplomb. Not much is happening here yet, at least as far as plot goes. We assume that Draga is going to fight for his birthright, among other things. Those who see the historical allusions you're making are like to be hooked simply based on that (which I am).

When this is done, send it my way. I, like KayTi, am behind on a crit for you (and Rick too!) but I should be caught up soon! I promise!

I love this, Deb.

Jayson Merryfield

And I think what I have planned will truly surprise you. I may send it out in a couple of smaller files, instead of one large one. Installments, if you will. I'll get one to you as soon as I reach a good break point.

There, you will find:

• The code for bullets
• The code for hyperlinking
• The code for email links
  

1. The code for This lettered list
2. The code for Italics
3. The code for bold
   

etc...

There, now you have more toys now.

actually, I didn't know what UBB stood for. But under that, it says UBB code not allowed! See, I keep believing what I read.

And, thanks for sharing your toys!

quote:

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hey, IAB, was the part you edited the part where you called me an idiot? if so, thanks for not spreading that around.

---

Now Deb, am I known for pulling punches? Right or wrong, I don't go back an eliminate my stupity(<--often) or genuis (<--extremely rare), I leave them the later benefit of myself and others. (So I may get less foolish. )

I edit for typos, omited words/letters, and the spawn of the evil multiple-key-strokes.

(Results may very. Some restrictions may apply. This offer void where prohibited. Some words may not be appropriate for children under seventeen. No purchase necessary. This post has not yet been rated. Refund: ME-VT-CT-MA-NY-OR-IA-HI-DE 5c MI 10c CA CRV )

The boy had been deprived of his birthright in more ways than one. Raised at a provincial court as a younger son of the Warlord meant that he occupied a position that carried with it more responsibility than privilege, but the boy faced it squarely and thrived on the lessons he was given: German and Greek and Latin; combat and strategy of all types; the deadly intricacies of European politics; the bitter war of magic and religion; his duties to his Father, his Kingdom and his Emperor.
One lesson was his alone – for it was not solely royal birth, but fierce intelligence, indomitable spirit and a bent for power that determined who was initiated into the elaborate rituals of the Secret, Most Sacred Order of the Dragon. When it