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Author Topic: The Watcher
Owasm
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A short story. Fantasy, I guess. It finished up at about 1300 words. A stretch for me... feminine POV.

After BentTree gave this a read (thank you, very much) I lopped off the first two paragraphs of prose and gave this a new start.

Second Try:
I had never thought of myself as a Watcher. The village shaman laid his hand upon my shoulder at the light of the full moon, that night of the beginning of Spring. The village looked on as the shaman chanted while he placed the seed in the soil.

I was so excited. Pride filled my heart. I looked at Rennie, my twin sister, and smiled. She returned my smile with a smirk. I think she was jealous of the great gift of the Shaman’s touch.

The next day I sat, for the first of many times, cross-legged in the dirt on the Watcher's spot.

First Try:
I sat there, watching, waiting, hoping for something. I sat there with visions of when the growth would be up to my shoulders. I sat there trying not to be too excited for what the near future held.

The wise women say a watched pot never boils. Well, you can say that a hundred times over waiting for a seed to find its nourishment; to open itself to the harsh world outside. I thought of it as my seed. When it grew it would be my plant… part of me, because I am its Watcher.

I never thought of myself as a Watcher... an honor I had never thought to bear. The village shaman laid his hand on my shoulder at the light of the full moon… the beginning of Spring. It’s been weeks, now.

##

I'd be happy to send it along to any willing to give it a look.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 24, 2009).]


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Nick T
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Hi Owasm,

I’ve just committed to two critiques, so I won’t be available to critique this one in full for a few days at least.

quote:
I sat there, watching, waiting, hoping for something.

For me, this encapsulates the most significant problem with the 1st 13; you’re at the wrong starting point. All we know is that we’re waiting for something to happen and that’s not an exciting way to hook us into the scenario.

My rule of thumb is that you want to start the story as close to the point where the protag’s life changes as possible. The background in this 1st 13 can probably be told later in the story. As it is, all we know is that your protag is a watcher, it's close to spring and is waiting. We don't know their name or their gender (without your note). The only promise you've made in that 1st 13 is that she's going to watch something.

Regards,

Nick


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extrinsic
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I'm of two minds with "The Watcher" thirteen lines. The poetic alliterative quality of the first sentence's multiple gerund verbs sets a mood of pregnant expectation. But gerund verbs are a tip off for stagnant movement, not especially dramatic movement.

The full passage had me thinking metafiction or Dischism? Watching a seed grow is metaphorically akin to watching a writer grow. In first person, it has a reflexive quality that almost works for me. But then its quality of seeming appeal from an emerging writer's struggle conflicted with the metafictive aspect in my read, which had me thinking the writer's setting is intruding into the story, a Dischism. I don't know, some great, some not so great things going on there.

I think to preserve what's working and diminish what's not, showing the narrator/protagonist's dramatic movement might begin with showing planting the seed as a poetic ritual. Then perhaps going on to explore what planting the seed means as part of the evolving ritual. Both in sensory narrative rather than introspective.


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Bent Tree
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I liked it, but 'it' began to feel like a device and in itself was a seed that never sprouted. I think in order for that hook to be effective there needs 'it' needs to surface somewhere within these thirteen or at least alluded to with a better hint.

I'll give it a go.


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Badger
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I agree with the other comments to a large extent: this does seem like it starts in the wrong place, and there's a whole load of (interesting) nothing going on. Having said that, there definitely is enough of a hook for me to want to read on. At 1300? words I'd be interested in ready the whole thing, so feel free to send it on to me.


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