posted
Hi, I'm working on the opening chapter of a science fantasy novel. I have a cear idea of what how I want to open it, but I'm still at the stage of experimenting to find the right lead in. The story starts with my MC meeting a young woman who appears to have fallen off a horse, hurt her ankle and is lying just off a main road in the trees. (which explains why the rest of the MC's party have walked past her without seing her.) However I want to use the opening paragraph to introduce my main character, so that this meeting has a little context. Please let me kow what you think to my first attempt. Thank you.
Keal trudged along the dry dirt road. The dust, kicked up by the horses in front, made his eyes sting and his mouth dry. His head pounded from the beer last night. Normally he saw a hangover as a small price to pay for a merry evening. Normally, however, he wasn't forced to walk all day in the baking sun by an angry priest. A punishment for seducing one of the daughters of the landworker who had granted them hospitality the night before. Keal didn't think he had ever seen Heilig Frgausa as angry as he was this morning, after the landworker had reported catching Keal in his daughter's bed, and he had gained a lot of experience of making Frgausa angry over the last few months. A sound disturbed him from his reverie. Was that someone shouting. It came again: 'Hey!'
posted
Hi Robert, Just my 2 cents (this coming from someone who hasn't posted here in ages and who has no publishing credentials. Heck I've never written a novel, but I'm in the same boat as you - I've just started one ... hopefully). Anyhow, my first impression of these lines was that I wouldn't know this was an SF story unless you mentioned it. It immediately sounds very Fantasy (not SF) and will instantly turn off anyone who is a hardcore SF fan like myself. With all the trudging and the dust and the dry mouth - these seem a bit too stereotypical and unimaginative. Also, the last line where the voice calls out "Hey!" Hey? Very dull. My advice would be to rethink this whole beginning. In the first few lines of anything, you need to really shock the reader into paying attention. You need to startle them. At the same time I felt like you were rushing to explain too much in the first few sentences. Let the readers imagination do a little work. Let them try to figure out why he's trudging along a dirt path. And let us get a better idea of who Keal is before we go introducing him to another MC.
That's all I have to say for now. These are just my first impressions. To summarize: 1. Make it sound like an SF novel (not a fantasy work) 2. Wow Us! Especially with the very first sentence, something like: "Keal felt like a corpse being killed and then resurrected just to be killed again - torturous punishment for the exceedingly pernicious of his community. 3. Let the reader use their imagination. 4. Give the reader time to get to know one MC before introducing another.
Well, sorry to seem so critical. The writing is good, just need to polish up your entrance and delivery. Shoot me an e-mail if you would like some more critique. Thanks!
posted
Couple nits. This sentence 'Normally, however, he wasn't forced to walk all day in the baking sun by an angry priest.' would read clearer as '. . .wasn't forced by an angry priest to walk all day . . .' Also a semicolon would work better after 'priest' rather than a period.
What I'm wondering is if Keal is in the story after he introduces the MC. If his only purpose is to introduce the MC to the story do we need to know that he makes a habit of drinking, seducing women and makes Frgausa angry on a regular basis? Even if the stuff about Keal's character is important those are things that can be revealed through dialogue with the MC or conversation with other characters in the book that the MC could overhear. If it isn't absolutely essential that he introduce the MC rather than her introducing herself, I would try starting it from the MC's POV. How does she feel that her group has stranded her? Where has she been stranded? Is she in any danger? Is she scared, angry. Her reaction to this situation could tell your reader a lot about the type of person your MC is.
I do think your writing is good. I was interested, but not interested enough, especially knowing that Keal isn't the person in whose head I'm going to be spending my time for the rest of the story. I'd try starting it from the POV of the MC if at all possible.
posted
I should have said : Fantasy, not science fantasy. Sorry.
Keal is the MC. The woman he meets is also a MC. Most of the novel revolves around the interaction between the two. Keal has been made to train as a priest by his mother (who is the king's cousin) to try and settle him down/control him, because he has a tendency for scandalous behaviour. The female MC (Althea) is a thief who is being cooerced into breaking into a fortress and stealing something from the vaults. Initially she pretends to be hurt to get Keal to take her into the fortress with him (as that is where he is going) then she meets him again while in the fortress and because she learns from their previous meeting that he is really unhappy as a priest, and has a rebellious streak, she convinces him that he should run away and that to finance this he should steal some gold from the vaults. Again this is so that she can get him to help her with her mission.
So my problem is that the story starts with them meeting, but at the same time I feel the reader needs to know a little bit about Keal to understand why he reacts to Althea's manipulation in the way he does. Part of me thinks I should start with him hearing her shout and going to investigate. Part of me thinks I should have a paragraph or two before that introducing him, before I introduce the second MC.
I appreciate the comments so far, but would like some further advice if possible please. Thank you.
[This message has been edited by Robert Black (edited April 30, 2009).]
posted
I am certainly no expert and feel a little awkward giving any advice, but since that is the purpose to the forum...here goes.
Years ago I read Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" and really didn't like it. It had good prose, good character development, and (in my opinion) nothing but mundane human interaction that has occurred over and over again in history. I guess that's why he chose the title.
I think your writing is descriptive and you can probably develop the characters well enough, but it sounds like you need something more unusual or unique to make the story interesting and not just another expose of peoples' mundane and messed up lives. Perhaps if one of them has a unique gift that is being misused or wasted (after all it is fantasy right?)? Perhaps their story is part of a greater struggle with more meaning? Is there a unique twist to the story that makes it fantasy and not just an expose of human interaction?
The whip made a whack sound a spilt second before cutting into his back, giving Keal enough notice to brace himself. Time and again it fell on his back. Each blow provoking a fountain of pain that started at his back, and flooding through his body. His eyes were full of unshed tears, that he refused to let gush forth. His teeth felt as if they were welded together as a result of him gritting them constantly. The smell of blood mixed with sweat filled his nose, making him feel sick. His arms, spread wide to support him off the ground, shook uncontrollably. He prayed for it to stop. Even the intense pain he was feeling couldn't stop him appreciating the irony of that. He didn't believe in The Holy Mother, yet he prayed to her to stop her own priest from hurting him.
posted
I like your first attempt better than the second one. I prefer to start with meeting the MC and getting to know him, with a small problem/disturbance, than being tossed into the middle of a big problem at the get-go. This is a novel, not a short story, after all.
I'm not saying its perfect; both versions need work. But I would suggest that you keep going with your story and see where it takes you.
If I had to comment on the first version, I'd say cut (delay) some of the background and get to the conversation quicker. But I'd keep the fact that he is on foot following the rest of his party because he got in trouble with a priest. Keep sentences 1,2,3, and cut 4, and combine and pare down 5,6 and 7: keeping the focus on his punishment for a specific incident, not his general nature and history. Try it and see if that moves things along?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 04, 2009).]
posted
Thank you Mrs Brown. I tried the impact beginning in line with acadia5 and brookbooher's comments about grabbing the reader's attention and making it a little less mundane. But after your comments I've tried to tighten up the first opening:
Keal trudged along the dry dirt road. The dust, kicked up by the horses in front, made his eyes sting and his mouth dry. His head pounded from the beer last night. He took the horn from his belt and took a drink. The mouthful of water made no diference. 'Hurry up back there.' shouted Heilig Frgausa. 'And put your hood up. Don't compound your sins by being irreverent.' Keal sighed and tugged his hood forward. His robe and hood, made of thick, scratchy hemp, added to his discomfort. Making him so hot that rivulets of sweat were running down his back. 'Here Keal. I thought you might need this.' Keal looked up, it was Tonn and he was holding out a full horn of water.
I haven't room to fit it in the thirteen lines, but Tonn is Keal's fellow trainee priest and they are about to discuss how Keal never learns and keeps flirting, drinking and showing off with juggling and fire-eating doing illusions and as a result Frgausa keeps punishing him.
I like your last version best, though I got confused. If Keal has a horn of his own to drink from, why does the other guy need to offer him a horn?
Just wondering. If your whole point is to have us meet the woman/girl who's fallen from/been thrown by her horse, why not just start there? No dusty road or thirst or any named priests right away. Just a screaming female, as seen by Keal and co. We can learn more about their appearances and relationships as they interact with the "fallen woman" (sorry, couldn't resist the pun).
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