posted
I need all the crits I can, I'd like to develop this into a novel. Is the voice too casual?
I remember her smell; a faint trace of lemon juice and talcum residing in my nostrils. I see her climbing from my memory but without a face. I feel a tingling in my palms as if I were an amputee. It’s from the absence of her tiny hands pressed against mine. Here I am. I’m staring at a canary-yellow ceiling in an uptown apartment building calculating my losses, counting the time between each breath.
Maybe I am an amputee. Oh yes, I’m sure of it now. That slowly fading afternoon in the park, I thought they took her; but really, they took a part of me instead. They took the part that leaves you hollow without it.
posted
Subtlety is fine, as long as the facts are really there for a discerning reader to find. It's probably best to err on the side of caution, but I wouldn't go so far to the blunt end as wbriggs suggests. (I think, no offense intended, he is coming from the viewpoint of a more casual reader.)
Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2007
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