posted
Now, I know a couple people on this board that also frequent the young writer's workshop, but I'd really like an intensive critique on some bits that I haven't posted there, mostly because it would ruin the story for a lot of people. and I can't do introductions, so here's the first 13 lines of a bit a little later in the story. Email me at lockmanr@msu.edu if you'd like to critique, or just read the rest.
Adrean reined in his horse as Perryn and Meira appeared from the stables, his hand tangled gently in her hair.
"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Adrean asked him. "She freed us, you know."
"I know, but..." Perryn looked to Meira, grinning at her. "I can't leave yet. You understand, don't you?" Adrean supposed he did, though he’d had to leave Kaela to know how much he needed her. "We'll catch up with you. Are you heading straight for Gareth's keep?"
"No, we have something to do first, if Galad would ever get out here." Adrean raised his voice, trying to get Galad to hurry. He came out of another archway, the one from their quarters. Lady Alyce followed him out, with wet cheeks and red eyes. He took his horse from a slave, and started to check the tack over. Perryn looked hurt, as if it was a personal offence to him. Maybe he thought it was. When Galad was done with his inspection, he turned to Alyce, his face flooded with pain. She kissed him savagely.
Ni!
[This message has been edited by kwsni (edited April 18, 2002).]
posted
There are a couple of problems immediately evident. Stupid as this may sound, several of the names are unusual and yet very reminiscent of characters from popular fantasy works. That will kill your audience so fast it isn't even funny. Using "real" names is acceptable, using made up names is also acceptable, but using names that someone else has already made up is a terrible mistake.
The second obvious problem is that the reader has no idea what any of the dialogue means. "She freed us, you know." The reader doesn't know. "I can't leave yet. You understand, don't you?" No, the reader doesn't understand. Solid use of POV would fix this, by having the internal motivations of Andean for the first statement apparent and showing his internal reaction to the response (rather than simply telling us that he "supposed he did," you could have him think particularly about why).
The writing does flow, however, and the language is engaging.
posted
Survivor, thanks for the reply. I'm not sure why the names would make sucha difference. Ok, so I did swipe Perryn, but the others are names that I've liked for a long time, and I decided to put in my story, because I think they're beautiful. Besides, this is supposed to be a fantasy, so it wouldn't hurt to have fantasy sounding names. I understand what you're saying and if this was the beginning of anything, I'd agree, and change it. But since it's kind of the middle of a story, and the bit that comes after does explain what all those things mean in detail, I'm not going to mess with it.
thanks for your help, anyway. fI've sent this to some poeple...don't you guys have anything to say about it?
posted
Coming into the middle of the story, eh? Well that explains a few things. The problems that I noted above get a lot worse as the narrative moves on, and fairly quickly. It might be very helpful to see the beginning (though I am prideful enough to believe that I can start reading a book from any point and make sense of what is going on). Probably most of your readers are too confused as to what is supposed to be going on to reply with useful critiques.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Survivor may be right, since one big problem I have with this is the use of pronouns--I can't tell who's doing or saying what. It took several re-readings to get the whole scene straight (I think), although I'll grant you it is a mid-scene. Still, if I were browsing a bookstore and flipped to this, I might be too confused to want to work that hard.
quote:Adrean reined in his horse as Perryn and Meira appeared from the stables, his hand tangled gently in her hair.
To whom do "her" & the second "his" refer? Sounds like Perryn appeared with his hand tangled in Meira's hair. Or maybe that is what's happening???
quote:"No, we have something to do first, if Galad would ever get out here." Adrean raised his voice, trying to get Galad to hurry. He came out of another archway, the one from their quarters.
Whose quarters? Sounds like Adrean and Galad are bunking together, yet the next sentence makes me suspect not.
quote:Lady Alyce followed him out, with wet cheeks and red eyes. He took his horse from a slave, and started to check the tack over. Perryn looked hurt, as if it was a personal offence to him. Maybe he thought it was. When Galad was done with his inspection, he turned to Alyce, his face flooded with pain. She kissed him savagely.
Extra paragraphing would help here, and for sure extra details, especially for that last sentence not to sound too soap-opera-ish. In fact, I'd do away with the adverb and explain the kiss better.
With talk of keeps and such, it seems to me that contractions detract from the mood. A more formal English is required, I think, but then, my fantasy background is limited.
I am wholly with Survivor on the name issue. Several dangers here: the characterizations of the original names will overshadow your own and make readers work harder to keep them straight; if your characters of the same name have similar characterizations as the originals, your work will look like fan fiction but without the authorized use, or you'll look like a lazy or unimaginative writer.
Trust your imagination, Kwsni. That's what writing is all about. You have a scene here that can be rich with insight. Go for it.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited September 10, 2002).]
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I give up. This is the best I can do. I really like these characters, and I like the story that's in my head, but it won't go down on paper right. Sentances that seem perfectly clear to me confuse other people, and people who facinate me are boring to every one else. I can't describe anything in any detail, and I don't know how with out droning on and on about something that doesn't make any difference.
posted
I take it, Kwsni, that you're a young writer since you mention the young writer's forum. Maybe this is the best you can do, I don't know. If so, I guarantee it's only the best you can do now; it's only the best you can do with your present knowledge.
I don't know anyone who was born writing gilt-edged prose. I daresay any writer anywhere can compare his early efforts unfavorably with his later efforts.
A lot of the frustrations you mention can be remedied with more learning of the craft of writing, including basic grammar--dangling participles and all that stuff schools are supposed to teach. Rewriting and reading your work aloud and rewriting--and did I mention rewriting?--can help with sentence structure and a host of other difficulties.
If someone finds one of your characters boring, test it. Maybe the character isn't sympathetic or dynamic enough, maybe he/she just needs a more compelling conflict, maybe your friends are full of baloney. Maybe what I say is full of baloney. You decide.
It's in your power to can or can't, to not know how or learn how, to give up or dig in. The Polish have a saying that, translated, says "to want is to can." Don't let what sounds like the impatience of youth derail you. Writing, like life, has a learning curve. Nervous breakdowns are a poor last resort.
And now I'll kick the soapbox back into the garage.
posted
I would like to point out that a substantial part of your problem seems to be that you are getting all your critiques from poeple that have to start in the middle of the story. That is probably most of why your work comes across as difficult to understand.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Look, kwsni, I spent a solid 8 years on an epic that now appears unpublishable - at least, by a first time author. I figure you haven't done that with this work, so listen up.
Writing isn't about being *the best* - it's simply about communciating a story to an audience. Storytelling is a difficult craft - especially when faced with modern commercial realities. But more than that, storytelling is an evolving craft. No one starts off being the greatest storyteller they can ever be. They learn. They take criticism. They move forward.
Sure, being storytellers can have their doubts, neuroses and psychoses. I do here! But do be aware that you can always be moving forward - if you wish it.
Never go through life with regrets. If you can write and don;t, you will regret it at some later point.
Get to grips now - appreciate what you have, and build on it. Sure, people have made negative comments - but they're giving you pointers on how to build you skills, not ridiculing the ones you have.
If that means rewriting some parts, or even all, then that's what it takes.
As for my unpublishable work - I'm going to try and earn the right to publish it - at least, in a form I can be happy with - by trying to become published through other works. Wrote a sci-fi novel in the summer, brought it here, told to rewrite the whole darn thing 'cause the style was wrong.
Am I rewriting it? You bet you I am. And it's a heck of a lot better for it.
You just hang on there and keep on fighting. Because one of the untold secrets of storytelling isn't that the best ones make it - simply those who can dare to persevere. Dare to - I double dare you!
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