posted
This was the third time in as many days Abraham Cohen could remember having the dream. It always started the same and ended the same - only the intervening space changed, and ever so slightly at that. Deft psychological interpretation was never his forte; he didn’t need it to be. But this meant something. Something big. Something he couldn’t go with to his doctors and psychiatrists. At least not now - it would be a show of mental instability that his enemies could too easily grab hold of and use against him. It would cause dissent in the political leadership and second-guessing among the military. Were they passing laws and taking orders from a madman? No, if things weren’t so dangerous now maybe he could talk to someone, but being what they were, he’d keep this to himself.
Note from Kathleen:
Please do not post more than the first 13 lines of a story on the Hatrack Writers Forum. We ask this in order to help you reserve your electronic publication rights.
[Note: This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury]
Certainly the opening gets my interest, although unfortunately I'm tied up enough until after the holiday that I can't offer to read the rest, yet. Some parts of the dream feel legitimately dream-like to me, whereas others seem unusually active for a repetitive dream, but my assumption as a reader here is that this is not just a dream and that there's a reason it goes as it does. I like a lot of the imagery or feel of the story. Good luck with it, and I'm disappointed I can't offer to read it right away.
1.We don't have a clear understanding of why the dream is particularly significant to Abraham. Is it just that it is a recurring dream? Is the imagery in the dream of special significance? Does he feel that this dream is affecting his life or is going to affect his life in some way?
2.The segment as it stands is entirely in flashback (which is probably the best way to explore a character's recurring dream), but we have no clear idea of where Abraham is 'flashing back' from (terrible construction, I know--forgive me). He is awake, thinking about a dream, but is he at home or at work, alone or with someone, in Paris or Madrid (I understand that he is not in either location--just making a point)?
3. What we do know of Abraham's 'actual' life doesn't relate to the dream on any level. Not that you've told us that much about his life, but nothing in the dream suggests or reinforces any of the concerns that one would expect given the (quite limited) information we have about his current situation.
The good news is that it really does come across as a believable rumination on a recurring dream (is it one of your own?). The imagery of the dream itself is striking and interesting, and the descriptive prose is clear and intelligible.
If you believe that the complete version (assuming that this is just a fragment) addresses the above points, or would like some help getting it to address the above points, then by all means I'd like to help.
posted
Yes, that was just a fragment. I thought about what I posted, and I guess it would seem a bit discombobulated seeing as none of you are in my brain.
Really I was just wonering how it sounded (obviously not in the context of a stand alone piece, but the flow, style, mechanics, etc). I do appreciate the comments, though, they'll be helpful to keep in mind while I work on the rest of 'it' (and I say 'it' because I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing yet. I had the dream idea and I just started writing)
posted
I have two ideas to throw out there about structuring the story from here, just in case one or both of them spark something:
You could structure it as an "idea" story (are you familiar with OSC's "MICE Quotient?") where the mystery is where the dream comes from and what its purpose is, for instance why it's repeating, and/or
Another possibility would be to structure it as a "character" story, where the dream is signalling to Abraham that something in his life is dreadfully wrong, and it causes him to act on it. For instance, perhaps the dream is about his chosen place in society--job, marriage, etc.--and how it's propelling him toward disaster in some way.
Oh, come to think of it, the dream could also be a message from someone about something going wrong in the world at large or the world of dreams or something and someone is involving Abraham in it.
posted
This is a good scene. It'll be better with editing and relocating. By relocating, I mean the scene does not work as a starter for a story. It doesn't tell enough=about the environment or the character, and tells too much=the dream. We're jumping right into the character's mind (dreams), right into his soul, and what do we know about him or the situation to warrant the significance of the dream? At this beginning point in the story, the dream is bland, unless you could tell us specifically what the dream meant rather than "it means something." But if you want to keep the dream mysterious, then spare some insight into the external world first.
Posts: 47 | Registered: Nov 2002
|
posted
The only critique I can offer is based on my writing style and therefore, is completely invalid to you unless you decide otherwise.
You state, in the first sentance no less, the name of the main character. I would not do so if I were you.
One of the author's most important goals is to get his/her point across to the reader. To set one's works up for a better chance of doing so, a "hook" is almost always implemented in the very begining (as you probably know since you have set up a deep conflict within the first paragraph).
A hook I usually use in situations like the one described in your work is: the identity hook. I suggest you don't offer the main character's name immediately; this creates an ever so subtle intrigue that may help you to catch the reader's eye.
You caught my eye nonetheless...I would like to read on (and critique if it was needed).
posted
I have to disagree with that completely. I always want to stop reading when the author artificially withholds the identity of the POV character.
I think that it is giving the name up front that "intrigues" a reader and makes further information about the character interesting.
After all, to create intrigue, you have to begin by offering a "tantalizing glimpse" of something. A name is just such a "tantalizing glimpse" at a character's past and present identity. In and of itself, it tells nothing, but suggests everything.
posted
I agree aboutthe name---don't withhold it. I hate when a writer withholds things. And your reader will know when they are having a hood pulled over their head. I set books like that aside. If the author thinks I'm dumb--well then i have no reason to read their work.
Posts: 1019 | Registered: Apr 2000
|
Printer-friendly view of this topic
