One problem I noticed right away is that it starts as a story, then moves right into a long naration of details. It is understandable that you need to pass some details, but to many at once at the beginning of the story will turn the reader off. One of the tricks I have been trying on my latest short story was to write the motion, the flow of the story. It was very lacking in details and content, just the framework for where I wanted to take it. After I completed that I went back and started revising it and working in the details. Seeing where I could drop in a few lines of information to let the reader in on what is going on without halting the story's progression.
Maybe it is just the was the email handles it, but you have quite a few large paragraphs. Large paragraphs tend to wear the attention down. Breaking them up gives the reader a chance to pause.
I also noticed more very long sentances. I'm trying to figure out your process for writing. I think the ideas are pretty good, but I would suggest working more on the grammer side. I am not even close to being a master of the english language. I generally have to do allot of cleanup in my revisions to fix my gramatical mistakes. I never realized how important is was till I started trying to write. When writing try and look at your sentences. Are they too long? Do I have 5 short sentances back to back that change the flow of the story? If you want the story to work well for you the sentence structures and variation is one part that has to be concidered.
I would suggest the book "Details" which is part of the "Elements of Fiction Writing" series. I'm almost finished reading the whole book and concider it about the same level as OSC's "Characters and Viewpoints" (which is worth reading also) It explains the different ways to handle details, exposition, and even some good insite on viewpoints.
I hope this is helpful.
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