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Author Topic: Needs Help :>
DiaCornier
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Member # 1684

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Below is the first few section of a short story (approx 5,300w). I'm looking for feedback pertaining to the flow, ending, and the big glaring inconsistincies that I no longer see once I've stared at a story for a few weeks straight.

Let me know if you'd be willing to read the rest. Thanks
**************************

“This is how the deal will run. I’ll take closed bids today. If I like yours, I’ll be in touch.” Taj paused and looked at each of the three investor representatives sitting around the table. The two older men nodded, brisk but still polite. That’s how money and power did it. The third, not quite old enough to be termed a man, jutted his chin out and shook his head.
“I need to see something. Was told not to lay out a pincher without first seeing something,” the kid said.
Taj smiled at the boy, bearing all his teeth, but the kid didn’t even know enough to be afraid. That was the problem with kids, didn’t even have the brains to know when they should be scared. Taj just let the silence hang in the air a moment, the unsettling quiet caused the kid to squirm in his chair. Better, Taj thought. Couldn’t let some punk kid start pushing his buttons, didn’t care who he was or what he offered.

Note from Kathleen:

We ask that people post no more than the first 13 lines of their work when they post something here at Hatrack. This is to protect your electronic rights to the story by keeping what is posted at a minimum.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 07, 2003).]


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Lord Darkstorm
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I wouldn't mind reading it.

thayes@medjet.com


Posts: 807 | Registered: Mar 2003  | Report this post to a Moderator
MaryRobinette
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I'd be happy to take a look.
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Heresy
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I'd be happy to take a look at it.

archangelcmg@mac.com


Posts: 293 | Registered: Apr 2003  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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