posted
Tentative fingers of whit mist shrouded the harbour, obscuring the tall masts of the merchant ships. Even this early the marketplace was a hive of activity, maids from the richer households buying food for their masters’ morning meal, but Rhiannon was not interested in them. As she clung to the shadows of a nearby alley, she looked for richer game, someone worth the risks.
A movement caught her attention; bold and purposeful – so different from the scurrying movements of the mouse-like women. She caught a glimpse of a tall figure, pushing its way through the crowd.
posted
Content-wise, I think this works. The first sentence does a lot of nice work setting the stage. However, although I don't know about Homer, "tentative" doesn't fit. It sets a slow feel to the passage, and then the "hive of activity" contradicts it. Why not just start with "White mist..."?
Rather than the "was" in the first part of the second sentence, why not something more active: "hummed with activity" maybe. The sentence would flow better with a "with" in front of "maids." And I think it should be "meals."
The punctuation of the first sentence in the second paragraph is dubious. I'd suggest rewriting it.
Still, the story works, promising something afoot. (A little Sherlock there. )
posted
The reason that "tentative" doesn't work is because it suggests the mist is advancing rather than retreating. "Tenacious" along with "clung" and some other such words might fix that, or might not.
I don't personally believe that an opening can be "too strong", by a tab or any other amount. And I do like this. Of course, I think that by mentioning your POV character in the first paragraph and having her as the "active observer" of the mist and harbor and all therein you could establish a narrative context for this scene setting so no one would just think that you were being flowery (of course, they might decide Rhiannon was overly eloquent).
If you want to make the harbor a "hive of activity", then you must have more going on than just "maids from the richer households buying food for their masters' morning meal[s]" (or is there one morning meal for all the richer householders?). After all, you presumably have the sellers as well, merchants and stevedors (or longshoremen, as you prefer) and sailors and suchlike. Even if your POV character dismisses them as beneath notice (because of their presumed lack of cash?), she will probably notice them And what is the alley near by?
Just razzing you a little. But you should give your viewpoint character a physical location which will match the feel of the description (another reason that you should mention the POV character as the observer in the first sentence--so that the reader doesn't have a chance to visualize the harbor as seen from a tower before finding out that the description is of the harbor as seen from the wharf).
posted
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I have not read Homer in a long time so I did not realise the similarities. Take me to court for plagiarism if you must, but trust me in that no similarity was intended. As for poetic, well I like a certain poetic flow to a story, adds flavour to what could be dull description. Of course as I am not very good at poetry I kept the description too short as Survivor said. I now have to find a way of encompassing some of your comments without losing the plot or my mind... hehehe
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
|
posted
*** Ok take two... let;s see if I have learnt my lesson ***
Fragile fingers of white mist shrouded the harbour, obscuring the tall masts of the merchant ships. Even this early the marketplace was a hive of activity. Maids, out buying food, jostled shoulders with merchants and sailors, but Rhiannon was not interested in them. As she clung to the shadows of a nearby alley, she looked for richer game, someone worth the risks.
A movement caught her attention; bold and purposeful – so different from the scurrying movements of the mouse-like women. She caught a glimpse of a tall man, pushing his way through the crowd.
[This message has been edited by yanos (edited January 20, 2004).]
posted
What Phanto just wrote -- or back to "White mist" if you must have an adjective. Comma after "early."
Didn't mention it before, but "in them" is a bit indistinct as to whom it refers. "Them" seems to refer specifically to the maids, which also suggests possible sexual interest, although I believe "them" refers to everone else in the scene besides Rhiannon, with no sexual interest. A simple addition of "any of" to "them" would help.
And, I'm sorry, but the semicolon just doesn't work. Semicolons separate equal sentence elements or main clauses not connected with a conjunction. If you want to be punctuatively creative, the dash is better suited to the purpose: A movement caught her attention -- bold and purposeful, different from the scurrying movements of the mouse-like women. As you can see, I'd also recommend getting rid of the "so."
Hmmm. Just realized "mouse-like women" emphasizes the reference of "them" to the maids and consequently implies the sailors and merchants were all women. You might want to change "women" to "the maids."
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 20, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 20, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 20, 2004).]
posted
I would have to disagree about the 'fragile fingers of white mist'. I like it and think it suits the style of writing better than simply 'white mist'. However, your attempt at following Survivor's advice on making the market a 'hive of activity' seems like its been stuck in purely for that reason and not as a 'real' part of the scene Rhiannon is observing. Everything else in the passage is so flowing and descriptive that 'maids out buying food, jostled shoulders with merchants and sailors' just seems too abrupt. Maybe give the merchants and sailors a purpose, mention what they are out doing besides being there for the maids to jostle shoulders with. The 'any of' suggested by Kolona would then also infer that she wasn't interested in the merchants and sailors either.
[This message has been edited by Gwalchmai (edited January 20, 2004).]
posted
I also like the "fingers of white mist" description. Not so crazy about the fragile though.
I would have to agree with Kolona that the old version, focusing on the maids, is showing through in the revision, which doesn't flow quite right. The other people need to addressed and incorporated into the story flow.
quote:I now have to find a way of encompassing some of your comments without losing the plot or my mind... hehehe
From you topic I take it this is the first draft. Something I've noticed about my first drafts is that they are usually lacking, in many ways. Now I just write the story, leave it be for a week or two, then go back and look for ways of improving it. So far the rewrites tend to be major, and the story changes. Don't fear the changes the story can take, it happens, and can even be better than your original concepts.
I've read in a couple places about letting the story tell itself, and I happen to believe that this is true. You still need a direction, a overall plot, but don't get overly attached to it. Let your story change if it needs to. You might find that you like the changes better than the original.
posted
This observation is subtle and comes from my own inventory of frequent mistakes. The story/paragraph/sentence begins with a rich description ("Fragile fingers of white mist ...") but this richness quickly fades.
For me, these add to the imagery and rhythm of the piece. I would not necessarily add all three; just a bit more to maintain the high level set at the beginning.
I know it is trite, but I would also end the third sentence at 'sailors' and begin the next sentence with 'Rhiannon'. This sentence is already two parts and visual. As a reader, the last segment where the character is introduced was diminished because of its length. I expect this character is important and should not be lost.
I agree with Kolana and suggest "mouse-like 'servant' women" to help distinguish the maids from the men.
posted
Of course it’s all preference. I disagree with daMutt as to shortening the third sentence. You risk the staccato effect of too many short sentences. (See what I mean? Wouldn’t that read better as: Of course it’s all preference, but I disagree with daMutt as to shortening the third sentence. You risk the staccato effect of too many short sentences.)
If you do stop at "sailors" in order to isolate Rhiannon's introduction, I'd suggest joining the next two sentences, as well as adding one more descriptive element after "sailors" for flow.
But I liked the stealth introduction of Rhiannon into the scene. It kind of lent itself to the lurking in shadows idea.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 22, 2004).]
posted
I disagree. Unless Rhiannon is not the POV character, she shouldn't have a 'stealth entrance'.
A POV character should always be presented as straightforwardly as possible. POV characters are not narrators, and you cannot make them anonymous, unreliable, implied, or anything like that.
If you want to use Rhiannon as a narrator, that probably means writing in first person (or possibly second--mindbogglingly difficult for the reader). If not, then give up all ideas about treating her like one.
posted
I like the first version better--it forms a cohesive picture that the second version lacks. If you want to take Survivor's advice and add more to the "bustling" scene, don't take away from your description of the maids. Then again, this runs the risk of adding too many distracting details, so the issue really becomes one of balance. Frankly, I wouldn't worry about changing these lines until a later edit, if at all.
That's my advice, for what it's worth. Look at me, posting when I promised myself I wouldn't until I got back in the writing game and had something worth submitting for critique myself. Ah, well. Back to lurk mode.
posted
First, let me say that as it read now, I would definitely be interested enough to keep reading. So that's good.
A couple of problems that I see:
In writing fantasy, I think it's best to avoid using metaphor if there is any possibility of it being taken literally.
quote:Fragile fingers of white mist shrouded the harbour, obscuring the tall masts of the merchant ships. The fingers coalesced around one of the ships, and plucked it out of the water.
"Look out!" cried Rhiannon. "The sea god has come for his tribute."
It's better to use simile, which avoids such problems.
Another problem is, I believe, the result of altering your original in response to things people said.
If Rhiannon is a thief, then it is understandable that she does not see the maids as worthy targets. But now you've added sailors and merchants as part of the hive of activity, and merchants would probably be worthy targets, especially if some of them own the ships in the harbor.
Furthermore, you contrast the movement of the tall man only with the surrying women. Were none of the merchants or sailors bold and purposeful, or were they scurrying, too?
posted
You know I like the first better. It portrays better the impression I was trying to give. To be honest that early in the morning I only envisaged a small number of traders beign in the market, the majority being the maids buying food for the early morning meal. And from what I know of sailors then they will be sleeping off their Dr. Pepper hangovers somewhere with some plump woman in their arms...
Trouble is I can never do rewrites properly until I have distanced myself from what I was trying to portray. But thanks for everyone's advice. It seems that there are many ways to please people when writing. To be honest I would just be happy to please myself Now where is that pen and notebook... hmmm...
posted
A writer is the final arbiter of his work. As it should be. Too many cooks can spoil the broth, so you can't indiscriminately accommodate every suggestion made. That said ,
quote:now you've added sailors and merchants as part of the hive of activity...merchants would probably be worthy targets
Good point, Eric. I'll go back to my original advice: add 'with' after 'activity.' That improves the sentence while keeping the focus on the maids, and the 'them' question becomes moot.
Survivor's problem with "hive of activity" is valid. How many richer households are there? And if the maids are out buying, someone is out selling. An additional word or phrase could help.
I stand corrected, BTW. I think it is 'meal.' It just didn't sound right on first reading. See first paragraph of this post.
quote:She caught a glimpse of a tall man, pushing his way through the crowd.
One question. It seems odd that someone would notice a person only because of his height. Unless this man is unusally tall -- and if this is the case you'll want to highlight that -- you might think about giving him a clearer, more vivid characteristic that your POV character is looking for. This has the further advantage of painting a crisper picture for the reader.
All in all, I like it very much. I don't think it's overly poetic. However, I do agree with Phanto that "Mist shrouded the harbor" is better than what you have. The word, shrouded, connotes all sorts of icky imagery -- much better than tentative or fragile fingers does.
[This message has been edited by Jerome Vall (edited January 28, 2004).]
posted
There is also the question of why she's there at all unless it would be unusual for her to not find a number of appropriate marks in the crowd.
"their masters’ morning meal" has too many plurals and distinctions connected to the term 'meal'. If it is the morning meal, then it is not specifically "their masters'", and if it is specifically "their masters' morning meal" then it is singular in a different sense from being 'the morning meal, which everyone eats', but becomes 'the morning meal that all the masters eat.'
Don't know if that made any sense, but if your instincts tell you there was a problem with that phrase, then your instincts were correct (why do humans have an instinct for language? it only causes you grief...well, back to my points).
As for sailors, if the best food is at the docks, then that should mean that it is the freshest food, which it wouldn't be if the ships hadn't brought it in very recently. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to buy food at the docks unless the food just came in, be it fish from trawlers or vegetables off of farm barges. And it would be economically unsound to store food at the waterfront itself, if the food is being stored it should be in warehouses a bit away from the water. If the boats just came in that morning, then the sailors have not had time to create proper hangovers (DP or otherwise) and find lasses with whom to sleep it off. They are still there, helping the longshoremen (if that happens to be a separate occupation in your world) unload.
Jerome has an interesting point about your tall man. Re-reading that passage, there is another problem. If she notices the movement before she notices him specifically, then she is mostly noticing the movement of maids (et al) moving out of this guy's way. That collective movement would in no way be 'bold and purposeful'. If you want her to notice 'bold and purposeful' movement, then she must notice him first.
See, that was a genuine nit-pick. Yeah, you should say that she noticed this guy, then mention that his movement was bold and purposeful, but none of us would have noticed that as a glich if we hadn't gotten nitpicky (okay, I wouldn't have, maybe somebody else would've).
I'll stick to what I said the first time. I like the overall feel, and I think that you need to do a couple of simple things to strengthen the POV introduction. Almost everything else boils down to word-choice and nits (i.e. "Hey, wasn't that bloodstain in a different place in the last scene?").
posted
This stayed on my mind after I last signed off, so let me get it out of my mind. The activity on the wharf doesn't have to be a 'hive' of activity. Plain old activity would probably do just fine. <sigh of relief>
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
|
Printer-friendly view of this topic
And what is the alley near by?
