The first few lines are great- they need a proofread for little grammar tweaks, but the content is essentially good, very good in fact.

At "For the day was like any other day, the sun shining brightly" the pacing might be slowed a bit. It's good, only the pace seemed to pick up a bit for me, and you might want to start a new paragraph here.

I think I agree with JB that you've got some good stuff goin' on here, but you really, really need to drop the albatross reference. When you use it, you inject a real world reference into your story. It may a ubiquitous phrase, but it's a ubiquitous relatively modern Western phrase, and it's enough of an anachronism that it kind of compromises the story's internal reality.

Just occurred to me that your overt Christ imagery may place this in a context - future earth? - where the reference is not an anachronism. Apologies if I made the wrong assumption. - CW

First, nitpicky tings....

quote:

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Do I live now only to await death, hung here as a betrayer of my kin… of God.

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quote:

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My only companion the moon as it reigns over the sky, and my fading memories of the fateful day it all begun.

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Now for some not so nitpicky things...

As I was first reading I am immediately swept away by a sense of poetry. In fact, the wordiness almost seems to block me from feeling the true desperation you are trying to portray. It seemed pretentious. It could just be me, and I have to admit the wording was rather pretty.

Then I got a jolt as I suddenly stopped reading poetry and started reading about a man and his son. As soon as you star describing actual events instead of poetic emotion I think you need a new paragraph. That's a start, anyway.

Yes this is a novel, hopefully I well finish someday. No I never tought about doing it in 3rd POV, I well give it a try an post it.

I was trying to make it seem that he was telling the story of how he ended up nailed to the cross.

Your second paragraph implies the rest of the story is going to be written as a memory, and I personally would not be able to read much of it before it grated my nerves. The term "I remember" would get old about the third or fourth time it came up.

Give a try from where the story begins, a hook can be a word, or a sentance that implies questions. It promises that there will be answers soon and the reader should stick arround and find out. You give someone a dying person, give them some curiosity about what is going on....then they are thrown back to a memory that will remind them regularly it is a memory.

Is this how my journey ends?

- A good enough start.

Alone, my life slowly fading from me, as each drop of blood seeps out of my hands, and feet, to soil the land of Sidaharra.

- Still good, but a little too elaborate for my tastes.

Do I live now only to await death, hung here as a betrayer of my kin… of God.

- Maybe a dash would work better, not an elipsses?

Nailed to my albatross, the cross… the symbol I wore oh so proudly, is also my deliverance to a world I waited all my life to see.

- Overdramatic, "oh so proudly." Maybe just proudly, or quite proudly, or...whatever.

My only companion the moon as it reigns over the sky, and my fading memories of the fateful day it all begun.

- Blerg, is my reaction to this chunk. Doesn't hit it with me.

For the day was like any other day, the sun shining brightly, with fallen brown and gold leaves covering the dirt beneath us, as me and my son stood in the mist of the forest of Elders.

- My son and I. Yes, bad grammar may be in POV...I still dislike it.

I was teaching him the spirit of the hunt, as I always thought him all I could about life.

- Seems contrived. Maybe, "I was teaching the proper method of hunting--blah blah blah. I've always tried to teach him all I could..."

“Father, father come here, look.” I remember him yelling to me as he looked upon the ground.

- "look," I remember him yelling...

“What is it?” My son, Varos asked eagerly swiping the dirt off it with his hand. I remember walking towards him, watching his black hair sway in the winds breeze, as his bright blue eyes lit up with excitement.

- He sure is doing a lot a lot of remembering... Description is melodramatic.

“It’s a dagger, look at it father isn’t magnificent.

- Overdramatic.

Is this entirely correct for Varos to be using his own name with a first person point of view? I don't usually use my own name when thinking to myself or asking myself a question. I am not sure that is why I am bringing it up. More for my own knowledge than anything.

Besides that question I agree about the flashback thing. I have tried to write a few stories with a flashback beginning and I always go back and rewrite it.

“What is it?” My son, Varos asked eagerly swiping the dirt off it with his hand.

One thing we forget is that point of views are more than whether or not we use I's or he's. A certain point of view is a mindset, a way of tackling a story. Do you want to pretend to be the character telling the story? The plus is that you will have a truly intimate, personal stake in the story and wil be deep inside the main character's mind. The minus is that you are removed from the story in time and place, the events being described already happened and the reader knows that.

Third person omniscient gets into everyone's heads, although usually not to deeply into any one character's mind. It has the advantage of giving you the ability to tell a story that includes the attitudes of a great many characters. It also eliminates the distance in time I mentioned in first person. However, it has the disadvantage that the reader doesn't feel connected to any one character. It has a distance in space problem, if I remember how OSC described it. There is the definite sense of a narrator stepping in and telling a story. It is also extremely difficult to write well, especially becuase it easily turns into a camera's eye view.

Third person limited eliminates the problem of distance in time as well as distance in space. The story follows one character at a time (you can switch between chapters or between breaks). You can go as deply as you care to inside their head and still follow them in time order throughout the story, never knowing if they will live or die.