posted
The shaman smiled at her, winking. "You were right to contact me. Very right, indeed. May, it is true." Already on edge, May despised the way the shaman toyed with her, answering her questions with hand waves, sighs, and the-matter-requires-more-thought's. He probably enjoys my suffering, she realized. At least that's how he's acting. "What is?" And now he had a leisurely coughing fit before replying. "Silvia is gone. And it was by magic, as you suspected." May forced herself to stay calm. "I knew that. That's not why I hired you. Where is she?" Shrugging, the shaman stuck a palm out. "I've already paid." The hand stayed. May dropped several gold coins into it. "Now please," she begged, "where is she?"
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited January 25, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited January 25, 2004).]
Uhmm . . . maybe you should rethink this. It's got color, but it's a little over-the-top.
"He probably enjoys my suffering, she realized. At least that's how he's acting."
The second part, 'At least...' is either part of her thought or another sentence. If it is a part of her thought, you should probably compound the sentence, i.e. 'enjoys my suffering, she realized, at least that's...' If it is not part of the thought, it is set in a conflicting present tense.
"What is?"
As a reply to 'may it be true', this line is a little out of place. Maybe, 'what might be true?'.
"And now he had a leisurely coughing fit before replying."
The 'and now' should be dropped.
"Silvia is gone. And it was by magic, as you suspected."
You have an incomplete sentence here. You might want to try 'is gone, and it was...'
The imagery is good, though. It's interesting. You might want to begin at the end of this, with the 'Silvia is gone...' It might give you a good first-sentence hook.
[This message has been edited by JBShearer (edited January 26, 2004).]
posted
I liked the second half of this better than the opening. I think you can take May's name out of the Shaman's dialogue at the begining. She is named in the next sentance. You could also remove "Already on edge" and begin that sentance with "May despised." This is something I am struggling with myself right now, kind of a double description. "she realized" would not be needed then either, just remove it and leave the comma and combine the next sentance with it. I appreciated the Shaman's business sense and that is well described. But I wouldn't mind getting a picture of where they are at, and a bit of personal description. I wouldn't take much, just a word or two thrown in here and there.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
You give a good sense of the shaman's annoying personality and May's annoyance with him.
Like the other posters, though, I think the segment can be tightened. As someone(s?) wrote, you don't need "Already on edge," and can get rid of everything from "At least" to "What is?" as well without jeopardizing anything.
The "her" in the first sentence weakens it; you might want to name May there, and rewrite a bit more. (If you get rid of the "What is?", you'll probably have to get rid of the "It's true" statement.) The smile and wink in the first sentence, however, may need some qualifiers -- because my first impression was that the shaman was a pleasant fellow.
If I were a fantasy reader, which I'm not, I imagine I'd keep reading a bit farther.
posted
Version two. (I personally like starting with a "her," as it establishes POV. However, I will consider the matter further.)
quote: The shaman smiled cruelly at her. "You were right to contact me. Very right, indeed. It is true." May despised the way the shaman toyed with her, answering her questions with hand waves, sighs, and other annoying mannerisms. He probably enjoys my suffering, she realized, at least that's how he's acting. "So," she said, "where is she?" He had a leisurely coughing fit before replying. "Silvia is gone. And it was by magic, as you suspected." May forced herself to stay calm. "I knew that. That's not why I hired you. Where is she?" Shrugging, the shaman stuck a palm out. "I've already paid." The hand stayed. May dropped several gold coins into it. "Now please. Where is she?"
Would this keep you reading? Did it adress the problems well? Should I fit more imagery in, or can I push it off till later?
Thanks! And keep bashing...
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited January 26, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited January 26, 2004).]
posted
It crossed my mind to subtly warn you not to go for an -ly word, but I was in a hurry. Adverbs with -ly can sound like a soap opera, so instead of "smiled cruelly," go for some depth. With apologies to CW and others who don't like rewritten examples: The shaman smiled a cruel smile that put May on edge. "You were right to contact me, May. Very right, indeed." I'm certainly not saying that's the way to go -- I'd keep working it -- but you don't want the scene reminiscent of the mustache-twirling villain vs. young maiden.
You'd need something more before "May despised," and I might even rethink my own advice about getting rid of "Already on edge," depending what you do with the shaman's paragraph. I say that because your rewrite is a little too staccato. The "at least..." phrase still seems out of place, though.
I do like the emphasis of the last line, as long as you don't overdo the technique throughout the story.
posted
I say leave in the "What is?" (maybe changing it to "What is true?"), because as it is, the use of "where is she" is repetitive and distracting, as though you are trying to freeze one character in time while elaborating on the other's behavior. Does that make any sense?
Also, I enjoyed "the-matter-requires-more-thought's." I found it original and more clearly conveyed an image of this shaman than the edit.
The shaman sneered at her. "The matter requires more thought. May, I'll be direct. This could take a while. But two things are certain. One, I need more money. Second, you were right. It is true." May wasn't in the mood for the shaman's melodrama, his sighs and moans. It was almost as if he wanted to aggravate her--like he fed off her pain. "What is true?" He had a leisurely coughing fit before replying. "Silvia is gone. And it was by magic, as you suspected." May forced herself to stay calm. "I knew that. That's not why I hired you. Where is she?" Shrugging, the shaman stuck a palm out. "I've already paid." The hand stayed. May dropped several gold coins into it. "Now please. Where is she?"
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited January 28, 2004).]
posted
If you're going to keep the name, May, be careful about putting it beside 'I.' It's easy to read it as 'May I...,' which is why I suggest putting 'May' at the end of the one sentence, rather than at the beginning of the other.
The shaman's dialogue is (I hate to keep using this word) staccato and consequently stilted. Vary your sentence length. Read it aloud. A little rearranging of your segment might help overall:
The shaman sneered at her, but May wasn't in the mood for his melodrama, his sighs and moans. It was almost as if he wanted to aggravate her--like he fed off her pain. "I'll be direct, May. The matter requires more thought, but two things are certain. One, I need more money. Second, you were right. It is true." "What is true?" He had a leisurely coughing fit before replying.<something else added to this> "Silvia is gone. And it was by magic, as you suspected." May forced herself to stay calm. "I knew that.<due to this phrase being in today's common vernacular with its lighter connotation, rephrase> That's not why I hired you. Where is she?" Shrugging, the shaman stuck a palm out.<describe something more about him here> "I've already paid." The hand stayed. May dropped several gold coins into it.<maybe some attitude here> "Now please. Where is she?"
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 28, 2004).]
Disaster struck on the happiest day of the year. May had finally finished bringing in her bumper crop and there was nothing left to do except enjoy it. It was then that the pillar of green light came, stealing her sister Silvia. She now stood before a shaman, at least that's what people said he was. Personally, she doubted he had any magical powers at all. But he was her only hope. The shaman sneered at her. "The spirits tell me little, but I can guarantee you two things alone. Firstly, I will need more gold to conduct properly this delicate operation. And you were right to contact me, for it is quite true." May regularly could endure jerks—if they wanted to be annoying, that was their problem. But she could just barely stop herself from leaving—only the thought of Silvia held her back. "What on earth," she said, "are you talking about?" He had a leisurely coughing fit before replying. Almost as if he enjoyed making her wait for an answer. "Silvia is gone. And it was by magic, as you suspected."
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