I've finished a science fiction short story that I'm planning to submit to the All Star Zeppelin Adventure Stories anthology. If anyone would be willing to give me feedback on the entire story, I would appreciate it.

It's about 8700 words long, so feel free to give suggestions on shortening it, as they would prefer no more than 8000 words.

Even if you won't have time over the next week to read the whole thing, you can still comment on the first thirteen lines:

quote:

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Grant Sullivan watched his dream slipping away on CNN. The screen showed an anchoring mechanism connected to the bottom of a thirty-five-thousand-kilometer black strip of nanofiber. It was thinner than a human hair and only two centimeters wide, and it was now less than ten centimeters from the steel and concrete base to which it was supposed to attach. Then five. Four. Three. Two. One.

With a click, the anchor locked on, and a cheer went up from the crowd at the Nanoplications site near Quito, Ecuador.
He had known Nanoplications was close, but not how close. His own company's cable ? the Sullivan SpaceLifter ? still had over two hundred kilometers left to go before it touched down near the Brazilian city of Santana. It would be two to three months before that happened, and by then it would be too late.

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With that said, I will move on with the critique.

I get the tension in what you have written. I think you have set up the story pretty well. This guy has worked very hard on his project, only to find that someone else beat him to the punch. "It hurts to be on the cutting edge!"

If I were a S.F. guy I would probably be all over this one. You have left me interested in what happens next. So I would say you have succeeded with striking interest right away, and leaving the story open to all kinds of possibilities. This is something I strive to do, as to not give away the whole enchilada up front.

I'd critique it further, but a real S.F. person should do it.

It's a little odd that you mention that unspooling the last two hundred kilometers of the Sullivan Spacelifter would take so long, perhaps you should drop in a line that tells in less...quantitive language what phase it is at. For example, mention that the SS was just getting ready for its atmospheric descent phase. Maybe you could use his knowledge of the SS atmospheric descent vehicle and to do a little compare and contrast on the approach used by Nanoplications with their anchor. That way you could describe it a little better.

That way you bring in his emotional reactions to what he's seeing in direct juxtaposition with the fact that he's seeing a tremendous feat of engineering, it isn't thrown in after leaving the reader to wonder why he's dismayed by the sight of such a positive event (most readers with any idea what you're talking about will see their dreams on the cusp of realization, after all).

GZ and the other's might have a point about the technical detail, it didn't seem terribly complicated to me, but I've been aware of the concept of an orbital elevator (and the math behind it--though only aware, not, like...oh, you know) since before high school (and I'm an old...well, you know). I wouldn't tone down the technical detail, just give collaborating details that make it clearer what you're describing. Mention that the other end is hooked on a geosynchronous station and stuff about how strong it is and so forth. Give the anchoring vehicle a little more description, you know. Nobody is actually bothered by the use of hundreds and thousands of kilometers and nanofibers if you just tell them it's space stuff.

I tried to pronounce it, and ended up glossing over it, because I could not figure out if it should be nan-OP-lications, or NANO-plications or just what (if any of that makes sense anyway =). Maybe think of a simpler name, especially if it is for a business. They typically would rely on easy to remember names to promote their business.

I also got stuck on the first paragraph. The vagueness of the "mechanism" coupled with the very specific dimension (35000 km) threw me for a loop. I did not care how long the thing was (an "about this long" would have worked well for me here), but the lack of info as to what the mechanism was made me wonder how it worked. At first, since his dream was "slipping away", I assumed the mechanism did not work properly and he was watching the thing he built fly (or float) away, but the distance got SMALLER, which told me it was moving the other direction. The second paragraph cleared this up, but to be honest, I would have probably put the story down since I found the first paragraph somewhat cumbersome and might worry I would encounter more of the same later on.

I was wondering if you submitted it, and when you might hear if it is accepted (if you have not already - knowing it's only been a month since you posted this).

I submitted it to All Star Zeppelin Adventure stories, and they rejected it with a form letter.

However, after a requested rewrite and resubmission, I have just sold the story to another market.

WOW! Analog! Big time!

Yeah!

Yippee, skippy!

(and all that jazz)