posted
Hey all, I've been writing for a few years now, still unpublished, but feeling a strong desire to get some of my work "out there". I've been incredibly moved by OSC's books and feel privileged to join a group with such depth of relationships and experience. This is a prologue for a redmption story I've had in my mind for a few years now. The world is supposed to seem as grey as it comes across but many changes take place soon after the beginning. Here it is:
I haven’t traveled far, but I’ve traveled forever. As long as I can remember I’ve been walking. Sometimes I make my home under trees or behind rocks. Sometimes I simply fall where I am until rain or hunger wakes me. My burden is my empty soul. Tears are my food and hidden shame my drink. I have seen no hope in this world. The wind howls at me and the clouds call my name but I’ve never reached them. And I am not the only one of my kind. The others wear their masks but their hypocrisy is as cheap as mine. They hide the burden I display, but I walk when I know there is no where to go. We are liars all. As I lift my head from the dusty road and look into the bleak beyond I can still see no end. The road continues. And so must I.
[This message has been edited by mogservant (edited February 08, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by mogservant (edited February 08, 2004).]
posted
This has an interesting, Gothicular feel to it, but because of the degree of closure it invokes at the end, it would seem difficult to continue the body of the story in this voice. It might make a highly effective and evokative vignette at the beginning of the narrative (see our discussion of such things somewhere around here ), but a few pages of this could get tired real fast.
That said, I like it as a stand-alone, and would like to see the work that it opens. The effective use of contradiction to imply complex meanings and the syncopation of forms are attractive and keep the feel of the prose from becoming too stilted.
posted
And well you should You're absolutely right about the voice. The plan for the continuing story was to see it from third person. I've also toyed with the idea of occasionally lapsing into first with the idea of presenting two views of his life. His own disjointed view, and the more objective view of, I guess you could say, God. For the end of the story I've written a few closing paragraphs in each voice that (I think) mesh together beautifully in a much more optimistic view of the world. Jost toying with it though.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Sep 2003
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As for your story, wow that was poetic. I was almost so caught up in the language that I didn't notice the story! That is both good and bad. Let me say honestly, that I would keep reading this piece for a while. Two things would need to happen, one relatively quickly, to keep me reading after a while has lapsed. First, I need to see things start to happen, find a sense that this book is actually gooing to go somewhere. You caught me with your language, you have to keep me with your story, which I haven't seen yet. Second, you have to keep the language flowing, without making the entire story as cryptic as the first paragraph. If by the end of page two you've dropped the tone completely I'll have lost faith in you. On the other hand, if you keep it too elevated I might actually decide it's too much work to read.
posted
Just read your reply about the first and third person....I've seen this done one time successfully, but I can't remember the name of the author. It was Mike somebody...(yeah, like that helps!)
Anyway, it worked because the change in point of view happened between chapters. I would think that either a chapter break of a transition (double blank line) would be absolutely necessary for a point of view switch.
Sonds like an interesting and difficult project, I wish you luck with it.
quote:Just read your reply about the first and third person....I've seen this done one time successfully, but I can't remember the name of the author. It was Mike somebody...(yeah, like that helps!)
Anyway, it worked because the change in point of view happened between chapters. I would think that either a chapter break of a transition (double blank line) would be absolutely necessary for a point of view switch.
Yeah, this can be tricky to do well. I would suggest something like OSC does in Ender's Game, perhaps, with a short section (say in first person) set in a different font, and then cut to the main story again in third person. Or possibly what R A Salvatore does in The Thousand Orcs: the book is split into four sections, and each section opens with a few pages that read basically like a journal entry from the protagonist (in first person).
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited February 08, 2004).]
posted
Just being a grammer picker. Comma before but when joining a compound sentence . . . "I went outside, but there were no leaves on the tree." bad example
Just in case you missed it.
And . . . "We are liars all." Good poetic license, but I don't feel it fits with the rest of the style. Maybe "We are liars, every one of us." Really, it's fine, but I think it imposes a change of rythym/pace.
Good work, but I too would expect action SOON after so heavy a set of prose.
posted
Great insight. That was a good point Somna, I made the change. As far as the rest of the story, I know where it begins and where it ends, and many of the major in-between events, but I still have a lot of fleshing out to do. I'd love to "pull off" the multiple POV because I think by the end of the story it makes a pretty powerful point but I want to be sure it doesn't disturb flow, plot, or continuity. Thanks for the input so far it's all been very helpful.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Sep 2003
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quote: Just read your reply about the first and third person....I've seen this done one time successfully, but I can't remember the name of the author. It was Mike somebody...(yeah, like that helps!)
Anne Rice does it, in The Queen of the Damned (random note: why does Hollywood insist on dropping 'the' from names of stories they convert to films?), with some sections told 1st person by Lestat and other sections (many of which involve Lestat) in 3rd person.
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feel to it, but because of the degree of closure it invokes at the end, it would seem difficult to continue the body of the story in this voice. It might make a highly effective and evokative vignette at the beginning of the narrative (see our discussion of such things somewhere around here 
Second, you have to keep the language flowing, without making the entire story as cryptic as the first paragraph. If by the end of page two you've dropped the tone completely I'll have lost faith in you. On the other hand, if you keep it too elevated I might actually decide it's too much work to read. 
