posted
From a mid-late chapter in my book. The main character (Jack) is taken back to a place where he had once, many years before, met some homeless kid whom he rescued from the streets.
***
Bastard’s Park. They were back. The land of his dreams and recollections now staring him in the face, Jack started to remember things. The sun cast it’s shadow on half the courtyard right where he remembered. In the corner was a holographic image of two samurai fighting – a video game. Nearby was a gathering of children rooting for one combatant or the other. Old blankets and ratted pillows lined the shadowy edge of the courtyard. Kickball and tag were played in the middle of the yard. Two boys scaled the fence on the far side apparently in a test of abilities. Some sat in a corner huddled together, scared. Not far from him was a small fire, smoke rising slowly, with scraps of food perched over it. It was uncommonly warm for mid October. The sun was high and not a cloud could be found. The fire would have more attention if this were a normal October day. Jack watched the cook at the fire. The boy focused intently on his task. It was important. He took great pride, and care. He could not afford to burn the food. People die around here when food gets wasted. As Jack watched the boy seemed to fade away, replaced by Mick, slaving away over the fires as he did every day. Face covered in dirt and hands thick with callous and burns. He would eventually answer the silent plea in Mick’s eyes and take him away from there.
posted
In a word, probably (as I don't know exactly why you're setting this scene, I can't say for sure whether it sets the scene to the desired standard ).
I'm assuming that this isn't the beginning of the scene/chapter/pov. That's a bit of a problem for me because there's a very important bit of information missing...where is the observer standing? This should probably be prefaced by something like, "Jack and X [the 'they' who are back] rounded building Z and confronted an old courtyard ajoining several vacent lots. Bastard's Park." You can replace some of the language to better fit your feel (and how Jack and X actually get there, for all I know they come up out of a storm drain). The point is that by leaving this out we don't know where 'they' are or who, except Jack.
Remember, if you aren't sure, leave the apostrophe out of "it’s" (and I can tell you weren't sure in this case--I hate that stupid word:mad . The time of day should be noted here (unless it was noted just before the passage began, "Jack crawled out of the manhole into pale autumn noon"--wow that's crappy), which is more important than the apostrophe.
It seems a bit odd that Jack doesn't recognize the videogame immediately. Either have him remember it or specifically state that it was a different game (the theme of this passage, after all, is that in all relevant aspects, nothing has changed). In the same vein, you might want to bring in Jack's emotional associations with everything, building to the point at which he gets lost in reverie or whatever he's doing here.
The temporal confusion that occurs near the end is a good attempt, but fails for a couple of reasons. First, we haven't seen Jack's mental state building towards this flashback. One problem is that I personally was distracted by the question of who taught the kid to cook, enforces his responsibility for the food, etc...also, you open up the temporal confusion with a present tense phrase. This could be interpreted as an inlined SOC, but it could also be interpreted (and this is how it seemed to me) as a simple error. Either way, it doesn't help create the sense that Jack is drifting into a flashback.
So I would say, the bare physical detail tended to overpower Jack's mental reaction, which is only mentioned at the end. Whether you need more physical detail I couldn't say. But for the flashback at the end, I think you need to tie it into Jack's feelings more clearly.
posted
Thank you for the comments. AH! That stupid "Its"/"It's" dilemma. The stupid thing is, I know exactly the difference, yet for some stupid reason my fingers automatically add that dumb apostrophe anyway. One of these day's I'll catch it...
As for most of the points - there is actually a lot of setup/background information that explains much of what you mentioned, so I assume (I know, I know...never assume) that I'm okay there. (For instance, right before that there actually IS a remark on him coming around a building/corner and seeing the park before him).
But the tense/mix you referenced is obviously a problem. I'll have to address that.
posted
I agree with Survivor that there needs to be some sense of where he is located in comparison to the rest of the people there.
The last paragraph got a little confusing for me and I had to reread it a couple times then I gave up. It wasn't until I read Survivors response that it clicked and I understood what you were trying to do.
Try either leading up to it a little more or guiding the reader from Point A (current scene) to Point B (previous scene). You could accomplish this by indicating little changes. The boy fading out and being replaced by another is a good start but you need to add more.
quote:As Jack watched the images in front of him shifted. Sunlight faded into the darker hues of night. There were no children now and the boy at the fire seemed to fade away, replaced by Mick; slaving away as he did every day. Face covered in dirt and hands thick with callous and burns. He(Jack? If so, put Jack ) would eventually answer the silent plea in Mick’s eyes and take him away from there.
One thing that might also help the readability and to also help establish that you're moving towards a flashback would be to seperate the paragraphs.
quote:Jack watched the cook at the fire. The boy focused intently on his task. It was important. He took great pride, and care. He could not afford to burn the food. People die around here when food gets wasted.
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. The time of day should be noted here (unless it was noted just before the passage began, "Jack crawled out of the manhole into pale autumn noon"--wow that's crappy), which is more important than the apostrophe.
