Coron looked at the street signs as he walked through an unfamiliar part of Adarana. It was a large city and Coron had spent his whole life in its wealthy distrct. His parents had always told him that there wasn’t anything worth seeing in the rest of the city. As the son of Lord Daren, and the next in line to be the head of the House of Lords, all he’d ever needed was his, and there was no reason to venture further away from home, until he got the letter the day before.

Coron read the address on the letter again, wishing that its writer had included directions. He stopped at the corner of X Street and Y Avenue and looked around. There were masses of people headed in every direction. No one seemed to notice him. Though he had been wandering around the city for at least an hour, he hadn’t asked for directions from anyone because he was afraid that they might recognize him. Here, it seemed unlikely that any of these people would even recognize his name. So he stepped up to a street vendor who was selling brightly colored cloth.

My first impression is that your story is similar to the story of Sidhartha (I hope I spelled that right,) the original Buddha. Also a well-known book by Herman Hesse. Of course this is no reason not to write your story. But you might want to read Sidhartha if that is your style. Second impression was more a desire, that the reason you used "X Street and Y Avenue" was simply because you couldn't decide on a name yet, it is jarring.

Also, it is not necessarily a wise stylistic move to start two consecutive paragraphs with the same word; same goes for two consecutive sentences.

Overall, I get the feeling is not exactly my kind of thing. But I do believe there is some one on this board that will really dig it, and that they will probably provide endlessly more insightful impressions of your story.

Now a question though, just off the top of my head, why didn't you offer to send whatever you did have written of the story? In my experience even the impressions and questions related by a reader of a partially complete manuscript may be enough to push you in to completing a draft, which is what your priority should really be.

Because honestly - and I know I may be sounding a bit contradictory here, until you are done with that first draft forget everyone else’s opinions, you are writing for you.

Once your story is in its first draft, that is a good time for honing, and catering to the needs of an audience. Though it is important to note I said 'an' audience, not everyone.

Dont pull your hair our Lilamrta, just write.

-PE Sharp.

The X-Y issue is a valid point. If you haven't thought up suitable names for the streets (or at least know where to find those names) then your milieu isn't complete, and you won't be able to write much of the story convincingly. The same may or may not be true of "wealthy distrct." It doesn't seem like the right term for Coron to employ...if there were a real bright-line distinction such that Coron would know there was a 'wealthy distrct' and that he'd never left it, then it ought to have a name that tells us something about the city and the culture of the people who run things (e.g. it might be called 'The Lion Precinct' or something like that).

As for overusing 'Coran'...well, it is his POV and a lot of sentances are naturally going to start with 'Coran' or 'he'. The solution is not to find ways to avoid making him the subject of any sentance in which he is the actor. What would serve you better is describing more action that occurs around him. To avoid the specific problem PE mentioned, begin the paragraph with an external action that causes Coron to pause and read the letter.

quote:

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There were masses of people headed in every direction as Coron approached the intersection of Grocer's/Yeoman's/Bear Street/Lane/Parade with some-other-flavorful-street-name. It was unlike the purposeful, coordinated activity Coran was used to seeing...

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I'm not suggesting that exact phrasing, partly because it doesn't solve the problem of letting the reader know which street Coron is walking down at the first (though that can be indicated later, by saying "he left [that street], going [direction] on [other street]" or words to better effect).

Overall, I suspect one problem you're having is that you haven't really got the flavor of your milieu nailed down. Just a few coined words and names can create the broad outlines of an entire world (though there are some who might disagree with me there, as I've recently found). When you've felt within yourself the thoughts and feelings of that culture, you'll be more comfortable using those names, or making them up on the spot as needed. You'll know what the nobles call the wealthy district, and what the laborers call it, and why.

The comparison to Siddhartha is interesting. Because I know my whole story, it was a bit surprising, but upon rereading those two paragraphs, I certainly saw it.

Ah, street names. At first I just had them numbered, but that was too boring, and made things too easy to find. I wanted Coron to not be able to find the address he's looking for, but he isn't stupid.
As for naming the city's districts, the thought hadn't even occured to me, but it's so obvious now. I guess that's one of the benefits of others reading your work. They point out the obvious. Many thanks!

Am I correct in assuming that the sentence "It was a large city and Coron had spent his whole life in its wealthy district" is using an objective point of view, and it would be better to keep to Coron's own impressions of this unfamiliar setting?

Well, as for asking if anyone wants to read what I have so far, the offer is here. I have what might pass for a chapter (approx. 1500 words), plus the beginning of another. I don't quite know how long it will turn out to be, though I'm thinking novelette.