Excerpt from Hero's Dawn:
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Sunlight filtered down through the golden leaves of autumn, covering the forest floor in both light and shadow. The trunks of mighty trees thrust upward from the earth like gigantic columns of rock, their gray bark gnarled by weather and countless years. In contrast to the trees’ drab appearance, the forest floor was littered with fallen leaves from the higher branches, weaving a carpet of gold for any who dared to tread within the wood’s boundaries. For some this was a place of solitude, for others a place of peace. Yet, in times of war, the forest was another realm entirely…a place of death.

Beneath the layer of yellow leaves lay the bones of the dead—Men, Dwarves, and Elves alike. Now all were shrouded in beauty, sharing the same eternal fate. Death had not come to the Great Forest for nearly a century. It had been many years since blood was last spilled on the golden ground by man or beast. Now the peace was about to be broken once again, and this time none could easily mend it.

A shadow flitted suddenly from tree to tree, moving with the silent swiftness of a wolf. The specter leaped across a narrow ravine, the sound of his heels touching the other side little more than a whisper.

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As I said, this is something I took off the "shelf" recently and decided to revive. It's not refined yet, so please be gentle.

Stylistically, this shows considerable promise. The imagery is rich enough to create a distinct impression of the scene and give it a felt emotional tone.

Some of the images themselves don't work so well..."like gigantic columns of rock," doesn't feel right with what is being described. A "gigantic" column of rock means something you'd find in Southern Utah and the Four Corners area...supersized, like a million ton wind carved obelisk. Same for the word "drab", which implies a looser feel. "Austere" might have worked better, or might not. "Silent swiftness" is inelegant, "swift silence" might be a tad cliche...or it might just not fit the idea of a wolf.

I'm no fantasy expert, but with this sort of beginning, which seems apropos for a fantasy, POV specificity can probably be delayed for a few paragraphs, maybe even a few pages if this is a prologue.

I agree with the 'rock' analogy being not quite right. Unless you stipulate that these trees were akin to those in a petrified forest (Although they wouldn't have leaves, would they? Maybe petrified leaves. ), it doesn't compute.

I didn't immediately get the contrast of which you wrote -- the 'drab' trees vs the 'golden' forest floor -- probably because the sunlight and golden leaves sounded pretty and I assumed there were still some leaves on the trees, being autumn. I don't know; maybe mention bare trees so we see starkness above a golden ground.

I do very much like the contrast at the end of the first paragraph.

'Silent swiftness' didn't bother me, but 'flitting' did, because that suggested something in the treetops to me.

(And, Kolona, I like the screen name too...hadn't expected it to be available, but things worked out after all.)

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Sunlight filtered down through the golden leaves of autumn, covering the forest floor in both light and shadow. The trunks of mighty trees thrust upward from the earth like gigantic columns of an ancient temple, their gray bark gnarled by weather and countless years. In contrast to the trees’ drab appearance, the forest floor was littered with fallen leaves from the higher branches, weaving a carpet of brilliant gold for any who dared to tread within the wood’s boundaries. For some this was a place of solitude, for others a place of peace. Yet, in times of war, the forest was another realm entirely…a place of death.

Beneath the layer of yellow leaves lay the bones of the dead—Men, Dwarves, and Elves alike. Now all were shrouded in beauty, sharing the same eternal fate. Death had not come to the Great Forest for nearly a century. It had been many years since blood was last spilled on the golden ground by man or beast. Now the peace was about to be broken once again, and this time none could easily mend it.

A shadow darted suddenly from tree to tree, moving with the swiftness of a wolf. The specter leaped across a narrow ravine, the sound of his heels touching the other side little more than a whisper.

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The two obvious alterations are the descriptions of the "great trees"...I changed the comparison with spires of rock to something a little more coherent (in my opinion). The reference to ancient temples seems to sound more elegant (to my ears, anyway). The second noticable change involves the final paragraph/section...mainly the descriptions of the running character's actions. I also changed 'flitted' to 'darted' so as to avoid any possible confusion that the character was flying from tree to tree. Thanks for pointing that out, Kolona. Anyway, I think this part is just about ready. I'll probably begin revising the rest tonight. Thanks again for all the feedback.

Good work.

The line In contrast felt out of the language and style. It felt too formal.

quote:

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Posted by Phanto:
The line In contrast felt out of the language and style. It felt too formal.

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Perhaps something along the lines of "Unlike the trees' drab appearance..." or "At odds with the trees' drab appearance..." would sound more appropriate with the rest of the text's style/form?

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Posted by jpwriter:

"For some this was a place of solitude, for others a place of peace."

My only nit, and it is really a nit, is that place of solitude and place of peace sound two close to the same thing to have different people have it be one or the other.

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You are absolutely right! Heh...I never caught that. The sentence format should surround a comparison, not a similarity. Thanks for pointing it out. I've been doing some more work on this fantasy story while simultaneously cranking out a few SF-based ones. I guess I'll have to dust it off and make a repair or two.

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Posted by jpwriter:

Nice writing though. You must be very experienced.

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Thank you very much, but in all honesty I'm not a very experienced writer in the strictest sense of the word. I've been hammering out stories for a few years (almost seven I think), but haven't read many books on the subject or taken official education-based courses. I find that most of my 'learning' has come from reading good books. The authors themselves have been my teachers and mentors, in a way. At least, that's what I'd like to think. I cannot in good conscience go as far as to say that I'm 'self-taught'...that wouldn't be true.

When I first started writing short stories my readers/critics would ask me why the tone changed so often. Now I realize that I would assimilate part of an author's tone while reading their series or stand-alone novel, making it a part of my own style (I wasn't copying their ideas, mind you...just the sound and grammar usage). Now I've developed my own distinctive style, though it originated with many of the authors I read growing up (and through my early writing years, which were less than stellar). So...no, I'm not really experienced.

One thing I've learned after seven years is the effect time has on writing. Like many other things, writing grows richer and more enthralling the longer you practice at it, and learn new things. Frankly, I don't think I'll ever be able to call myself 'experienced'...I think I'll always be learning. Anyway, thanks again for commenting on my excerpt(s)...all such efforts are greatly appreciated.

BTW, welcome to Hatrack. I apologize for not saying it earlier...I hadn't noticed how recently you'd signed on until now. I'm not a veteran member yet, myself, so it appears that we’re in the same boat.