posted
I've had no end of trouble getting this together in a comprehensible format, but I think this works.
quote: Analie had to be brave. It wouldn’t do to let her little sister see her frightened. The child’s heart was too big, and if she saw that Analie didn’t want this, it would make it even harder for little Lari to let go.
And Analie didn’t want it. She didn’t want to leave her parents and her sister behind and become a slave.
But according to the law, she already was one. A slave to her parents, who had saved up enough money to buy Analie back from the government when she turned five.
Now she was twelve and her sister was five. Her parents had used all of the money for a doctor when daddy fell sick. There was no money left to buy their younger daughter, and the slavers were on their way.
posted
I'm not sure I understand the slavery system. Whom does Analie belong to, the parents or the government? Also, something bugs me with the last paragraph. I suspect samey rhythm of sentences. Otherwise, I like the concept, and the beginning's at the right point.
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
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quote:I'm not sure I understand the slavery system. Whom does Analie belong to, the parents or the government? Also, something bugs me with the last paragraph. I suspect samey rhythm of sentences. Otherwise, I like the concept, and the beginning's at the right point.
Too right about the last paragraph. As for the slavery system, it's explained a little better when you read on Should I try to fit the information into the hook, you think, or does it work like this?
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited March 24, 2004).]
posted
Ditto...logically, if both she and her sister were born into slavery, then her parents must be slaves as well. That would imply that they could not, under any circumstances, buy either daughter out of slavery.
If this is some sort of compulsary service that children of non-slaves can be held to perform, then it shouldn't be called slavery. Clearly, her parents had property rights, thus, they were not themselves considered property.
posted
No, there's a real system behind this, and it's based around another element. Instead of explaining, would you like me to send the full page? I'm planning to submit it for OSC's boot camp (cutting it close, I know).
Unless you think it's enough of a problem that it needs to be explained in the hook?
Edit: Actually, never mind that. I think I've got this figured:
quote:Analie had to be brave. It wouldn’t do to let her little sister see her frightened. The child’s heart was too big, and if she saw that Analie didn’t want this, it would make it even harder for little Lira to let go.
And she didn’t want it. She didn’t want to leave her parents and her sister behind to become a slave.
But then, the law said she already was one. All ungifted children were. But like so many, her parents had saved up enough money to buy Analie back from the government before her fifth birthday.
Now she was twelve and her sister was five. Her parents had used up all of their money for a doctor when daddy fell sick, and there was none left to buy their younger daughter.
The slavers were on their way.
That make it just a bit clearer?
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited March 24, 2004).]
posted
Purely on an opening note (leaving aside issues of milieu, I mean), you have no physical setting whatsoever thus far, and you take us directly into an explication of the dramatic elements (one that raises more questions than it answers, even).
A story should be narrative as much as possible. Analie's thoughts should be happening in some sort of context, at a given time and place in the narrative. And that means that you have to let us know about her physical surroundings (or lack thereof).
posted
The second version really clarified a lot of things for me. I thought it did a very nice job of setting up a slavery system which is sure to have lots of interesting side effects on society. You could probably sneak something in to give some hints about setting. Attire, maybe? Or indicate the method of transportation the slavers are using. ("The slavers were on their way. Soon their horses/motorcade/hovercars would be in view." See what a difference those would make?
Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Well, it's off. I took into consideration the suggestions as much as possible, including a couple little references to setting. Thanks for commenting, all.
Posts: 233 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Should I try to fit the information into the hook, you think, or does it work like this?
