posted
I would like some feed back on my novel. I have been plugging away at it for three years and I still feel like something is missing but I can't put my finger on it.
Here is the first 13 lines: Richard Kurt was angry. He had one serious problem and there didn't seem to be an easy way out. Staring down the barrel of the gun, he looked into the eyes of the bounty hunter, I should have taken a left, why the hell did I turn right? He asked himself. As Kurt felt the solid wall of metal press against his back, he realized with a sinking sensation in his gut, he was finished running. At least for today. The bounty hunter, Jon Rauland watched in amusement as the anger simmered in the criminal's eyes. Rauland was the happiest he had ever been in his line of work. For seven months this criminal had been eluding him. Always one step ahead of him, but today January 1, 2095 Kurt, tripped himself up! Rauland would never admit to anyone, but he was extremely lucky seeing Kurt first. The criminal stepped out of the Oasis Bar as Rauland turned the corner. Rauland stopped, startled by Kurt's presence but before Kurt made him, Rauland dove into an alley way. His boots slapped the ground as he raced to beat him, he slid to a stop in the middle of an empty lane and pulled his gun from its holster. Rauland tried to hold it steady as he panted for breath. Blinking sweat from his eyes, he waited for the criminal to come around the corner.
[This message has been edited by mahukey (edited March 28, 2004).]
posted
First thing I see is the POV shifts from the first paragraph to the second. This would lead me to believe that this happens often. I would have problems reading it.
posted
Ditto on the POV shifts. And you fall into a flashback by the third paragraph.
Forget everything you've actually written, and figure out which character's story you're telling, and what span of time the action of the story actually covers. Start with that character's POV, as that character enters the first scene of the story and prepares to begin the action. Your writing about the other character's thoughts and actions should only enter the story as your POV character becomes aware of them, by which I mean no POV shifts or flashbacks.
After you've told the story that way, you can start thinking about whether to use POV shifts and flashbacks.
posted
Thank you for your advice. I have wondered about the POV several times but decided I liked it. Later on I do not do this, at least not much because I feel it is too confusing. I will try something different with it and see how I like it. Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
The third paragraph is particularly confusing. It's not *too* hard to follow that first POV shift, but the flashback is tough. For a novel, this seems like it may be going pretty fast. That, of course, is hard to say without seeing the rest of the novel.
Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I think the reason you are not getting many people interested in reading the whole novel is that it is just that...a novel. For me it can take weeks to read a novel based on available time and my interest in it. I've attempted to read one or two novels here, I didn't get through the first chapter.
Why not offer the first chapter? One chapter would be more easily to read and review. Also if the first chapter is not easy to read then the person reading it has the option to quit after one chapter.
If the first 13 lines are in anyway confusing, has POV problems, or isn't very interesting, then not many people will be willing to volunteer their time.
You must also remember some of us here are quite picky about POV issues. I personally have problems reading stories that are not rooted in a POV. I know some people feel their writing is in omnipresent when it is more lack of understanding. 3rd person limited is a good POV to work with. It forces a writer to write based on one person, and what that person can see or know.
I don't want to be harsh, but working full time while doing night contracting...and trying to write myself, leaves me very limited reading time. I like to help out but over 10K words is more than I personally can commit to. I would bet other people here have hectic lives as well.
Fix your first chapter in one POV character and I'd be happy to give it a look.
LDS
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited March 30, 2004).]
The very first sentence turned me off. The other concerns aside, I do not believe that this sentence alone would get to an editor's desk, let alone past it. When writing emotions the *worst* thing you can do is to straight out tell someone that so and so is angry. In fact, if your story never stated emotions in such black and white terms your book would automatically go up 10 notches in my estimation.
And then, even worse, your follow-up sentences lead me to believe that your character should be more afraid than angry. There is no context for this anger. You have it simmering in his eyes, but why?
SHOW DON't TELL
Wait, did I just say a bad word? Ooops...but I think this is a perfect example. Your very first scene should involve almost no telling whatsoever. While it is ok to just give us some background later, we don't have any foreground so what good is background going to do us?
posted
I'll second those first sentence sentiments. In fact, trim that whole first paragraph: Richard Kurt stared down the barrel of the gun, looking into the eyes of the bounty hunter. He felt a solid wall of metal against his back, and realized he was finished running. At least for today. This, of course, assumes the POV is Kurt's.
Frankly, from the excerpt, I'm not sure the flashback adds anything. It sounds like this apprehension may be enough of a starting point, but if you're really attached to the arrest, lead with the chase.
posted
Ok after finally finishing my work day and with my husband rolling his eyes and question my sanity for rewriting this first chapter again....I present the new version of above posted first chapter (which I figure I didn't write in stone, so hey, it can be fixed as needed)The next version will be in marble..LOL just kidding! Chapter 1 Richard Kurt stood with his hands clenched behind his head, a drop of sweat slid down across his brow stinging his eyes. The barrel of the double Neroshot shook inches from his nose, as the bounty hunter tried to steady his hands. Kurt smiled, "Look's to me like we got a problem." Kurt could feel the press of a steel wall behind his back, it's chill brought a shiver to his aching body but he didn't allow himself to shake, it would have just made Jon Rauland think he was weak. Kurt's mind races as he measured the distance behind Rauland to the corner, it would be a good run, he started forward as the bounty hunter released the safety on his weapon. Kurt froze and took a step back, I should have taken a left, why the hell did I turn right? He asked himself. Kurt tilted his head to the side, a slight smirk lifted the corner of his mouth, "You were lucky, Rauland. If I wasn't buzzing from the last beer..." he laughed aloud mocking his capture.
Note from Kathleen:
Sorry. Remember the title of this topic?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 30, 2004).]
AHA I noticed it was shorter than before....sorry.
[This message has been edited by mahukey (edited March 31, 2004).]
posted
Hehe ... The shortened version is much more tractable. :-)
First, it's jarring that Jon Rauland is first referred to as "the bounty hunter" and then, with no introduction, becomes "Jon Rauland."
"Kurt's mind races [RACED] as he measured..." Most of this paragraph is a run-on sentence. Most (all?) of those commas should be periods. I also don't think that "he started running as the bounty hunter ..." is quite right. That means that they happened at the same time (insert plea for grammar-gurus to correct me here), but it seems that one or the other should happen first. Either he starts running, so the bounty hunter flicks off the safety, or the bounty hunter flicks off the safety, which scares Kurt, so he runs. (Then, of course, it would be odd that he would freeze, so I think you meant the first one.) The right-left thing doesn't work IMHO because I have no clue about why going left was bad and why right would have been good. I don't get why Kurt is smirking, either. This seems like a shift from being scared and planning to run. I do think that it's much stronger than the previous version, so you're definitely on the right track. It looks like this will be an exciting story.
posted
Okay, we've got a guy facing a man with a shakey grip on his weapon, the safety still on, and the barrel "inches" from the guy's nose.
Our man here isn't the sharpest pencil in the drawer, sabe? But then, neither is our guy.
That said, this version is much better. Avoid using the present tense in narration, deepen the POV a bit, visualize your description for continuity and things that just don't make any sense. You know, standard stuff. But this is much better. I'll take a look at the re-written first chapter.
P.S. in case your lurking hasn't been very through, I warn you that I'm far from the kindest critic on this forum...
P.S. it's actually possible that I don't live all that far from the kindest critic (depending on who that is), I meant that in a metaphorical sense...
posted
Getting better...definitely much better. We can feel the emotions for ourselves now, and although I thought I would be imagining fear, those shaking hands did cause me to intermingle anger in there.
Only thing...you seem to keep attaching more and more information at the end of a sentence and separate it by commas:
"Richard Kurt stood with his hands clenched behind his head, a drop of sweat slid down across his brow stinging his eyes."
These are two different sentences; they either need to be separated by a period or a semicolon. I wish I had the grammar tools to explain exactly why, but let me just try with my simple understanding. "a drop of sweat" is a noun, "slid" is a verb, it just begins a new sentence, or a semicolon separated sentence if you prefer.
posted
I am sorry for the grammar mistakes...I never mentioned I am the queen of run-on sentences....I do edit them out..promise. LOL Sorry....I just kicked this out last night in about 40 minutes, ok after chasing my dog around the house with the couch cushion in his mouth. I was thinking I should post the original version of the chapter as well so you all can see where I was going with it. It makes a lot more sense when I have the entire thing rather than only 13 lines. Also,this is almost the entire first chapter, its short, only three pages when double spaced.
[This message has been edited by mahukey (edited March 31, 2004).]
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