-------------- Major Christina Roberts crept down the hallway of a building in the captured Islamic Union research base. Her mission was to find a way to neutralize the threat of the IU’s cybernetic killing machines, the so-called centaurs, which had taken the Allies completely off guard and had pushed them back on every Middle Eastern front. General Hammer had sent her on this mission because she had lead an amazingly successful attack in the Battle of Tehran. Now she had to prove that hadn’t been a fluke. The Allies needed a way to stop the centaurs, and she was determined to find it.
[This message has been edited by Byrd (edited March 29, 2004).]
posted
An interesting beginning, with some issues that relate to current events (though they may be a little volatile to some readers). I must say that I'm curious where this might go.
Okay, my first critical comment involves your first sentence. The grammar mistake "of one a building " threw me off a little. I'm no expert, but my personal opinion is that your opening shot must be formatted properly and well written so as to grab the reader's eyes and keep them glued to the page/screen. Little mistakes are an annoyance, and therefore distracting. Other than that, the only things I can see to point out are the awkwardness of the second sentence and the next error in tense featured in the third ("because she had lead"...'lead' should be 'led'). Sorry if I'm being overly-specific, but that's just how I tend to analyze things. As an opener it has potential, though you may want to consider being a little more detailed in your descriptions/explanations (just my honest opinion...you may have other reasons for writing the intro in a more vague fashion). If I come up with anything else I'll be sure to post.
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Sorry about the "one a building" ... I really need to pay more attention when I make small changes ... What sort of details are you thinking of? (Vague question ... I'm sort of fishing for ideas.) In regards to the volatile nature ... it doesn't really matter where the story happens ... do you think "Random-Country-X" would work as well? Or a vague "The Union"?
Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Posted by Byrd: What sort of details are you thinking of? (Vague question ... I'm sort of fishing for ideas.) In regards to the volatile nature ... it doesn't really matter where the story happens ... do you think "Random-Country-X" would work as well? Or a vague "The Union"?
I do not think you should alter your setting just because of one possible reaction from a minority of readers (especially when you consider that the possibility is coming from my tired brain). I'm just saying that it could be a source of debate...based on how you decide to handle current Islamic-Everyone Else relations in the world. I understand that this story is obviously set in the future, but you know as well as I do (and probably better) that the readers of this story exist in our present. The recent events involving terrorism and Islam (an unfortunate combination) might cause some readers to make 21st century connections that shouldn't be considered (if that is your intention). That's all I'm saying. If you can handle the concept well, then more power to you...I'm not sure if I'd have the guts.
I think your existing descriptions are perfectly fine, but perhaps a little 'backing up' would sketch a clearer picture for the reader. Maybe you could give a personal example of the Centaurs' prowess in battle, or have an internal dialogue concerning the intensity of the Battle of Tehran. However, as I stated in my first post, you may have a reason for the current form (or I could be reading too deeply into it and over-analyzing...for which I would whole-heartedly apologize). I like the concepts you've introduced so far, and the setting has many possibilities (more than I can possibly illustrate...I'll leave that up to you). As I said, don't take my critique as seriously as some of the other posters here...I'm not an expert. I just call 'em as I see 'em, I guess (a method that frequently has its own share of errors and problems). I look forward to the discussion your intro is sure to create. I'm positive there are others here that can analyze the excerpt far better than I. I'm eager to see what they (and you) come up with in the near future.
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
"Major Christina Roberts crept down the hallway of a building in the captured Islamic Union research base."
Yes, but...use a descriptive adjective for the hallway (dark, pristine, something) and eliminate the phrase "of a building", we know it's in a building. Major Roberts in a hallway in a building in a IU base...it's too many nestings.
"Her mission was to find a way to neutralize the threat of the IU’s cybernetic killing machines, the so-called centaurs, which had taken the Allies completely off guard and had pushed them back on every Middle Eastern front."
Uh uh. This is pure exposition, it has nothing to do with her immediate situation. Right now she should be worrying about things like "how many IU soldiers are still in this place?" and "is this building going to collapse on top of me?" When she actually finds something related to her overall mission objective, she can worry about the big picture stuff. Right now, she's still in personal survival mode.
"General Hammer had sent her on this mission because she had lead an amazingly successful attack in the Battle of Tehran."
Not a chance. First off, this is still exposition, secondly, now she's thinking about her own "amazing" successes. Daydreaming about promotions rather than keeping her mind on the job is how I would read this, if I were being charitable. She'll trade my hide for another brass pin is how I'd think of it most other times.
"Now she had to prove that hadn’t been a fluke."
Yeah, now I know she'll trade my sorry rear end for another brass pin.
"The Allies needed a way to stop the centaurs, and she was determined to find it."
Same as above. And it won't even be a different brass pin, it'll be the same stupid pin she's got now with a silver plating.
posted
Thank you both for your comments! So, it seems we have one vote for "needs more exposition" and one for "needs less exposition." I fully admit that most of that is, of course, flagrant exposition. But is flagrant exposition necessarily a bad thing, especially if you just want a fairly fast way to say, "OK, look, here is some background for my story"? Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
After another minutes thought ... Most of the paragraph isn't supposed to be reflecing what Roberts is thinking. It's a mighty omniscient narrator showing up and telling the reader some information. Opinions on doing that, as opposed to staying really strictly to a limited 3rd person POV?
Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
If you got rid of the first sentence and started the second with "Major Christina Roberts' mission was..." you'd have a jacket blurb. Actual reading text needs the info feathered in so the reader is hardly aware he's being fed background.
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
Because I can't resist rewrites ... *crosses fingers* I at least think this version is better than either previous version. I tried to rewrite the intro from scratch, and this is what I got.
The raid on the Islamic Union research base had been a success. Now Major Christina Roberts and her soldiers had a few hours to find information before the IU would be able to send forces to retake the base. They were scouring the base for records, equipment, or anything else that could prove useful for stopping the deadly cybernetic killers, the so-called centaurs, whose sudden appearance threatened to cost the Allies the war. Missile strikes before the raid had reduced some of the buildings utterly to rubble. Others were still burning, giving the air an acrid tinge from the thick pillars of smoke. As Roberts stepped over a fallen, blackened slab of cement from a partially collapsed building, one of her lieutenants came running up to her.
posted
Okay, this one is the worst of all. Are you still trying to write FO POV here? Because it is a serious mistake. Something like this might work as a set off of some kind like a prologue, but....
No, I liked your first version better than anything you've posted in this thread.
posted
The first problem is that it isn't 3PLO at all. It's plot summary with no clearly defined POV.
The second problem is that your other version was much better. And you haven't sent me the rest of that one, by the way.
Okay, these are both the same problem couched in different terms. I'm a lazy critic. At least I didn't say, "A.) blah blah blah, and secondly, blah blah some more."
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