Seriously, though...tell me what you think. And definitely alert me to any mistakes or awkward points in the text. Thanks in advance for all comments.

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[Excerpt from Cell]

Footsteps echoed down a dimly lit passage as the fighters readied their weapons. It seemed as if a message runner was on time, for once. The group leader pulled back the activation slide of his pulse pistol. Its form-shifting grip felt reassuring in his hand, as well as the high-pitched whine of a power cell waking up. He looked across the stone cavern at the approaching courier, his gaze focusing on the younger man’s message pouch. They’d been forced to refrain from using the communications grid more than a year ago…the authorities now actively monitored every channel. The Resistance had resorted to more primitive methods, though they appeared to work…for the moment.

“Colonel Drake?” the courier called out tentatively, seeming to gain confidence upon spying his rank insignia. Not that it was a great feat…Drake was the only one wearing insignia, and he would be removing that before leaving the cavern. “I’ve got a message for you, sir…it’s urgent.” The runner held a familiar object. Drake dropped his pistol into its low-slung holster and let a smile briefly crack his grim facade. It seemed that everything Command had sent recently was considered ‘urgent’.
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So...what do you think? Give it to me straight. I'm in the process of rereading it as we type, so this post is only meant to get an initial response. Would you continue reading (despite the flaws that are most likely present in this initial form)?

And by the way, would it kill people to title their topics something other than "First 13 [something]", particularly in a case where it is an excerpt rather than the first 13 lines of the story? We all know that it is supposed to be the first 13 lines, unless you tell us otherwise, that's what we'll assume.

Anyway, I'm not sure I understand the question. How far into the story is this excerpt? If I've read far enough to get the gist of this milieu, I wouldn't guess that this passage would break the camel's back (actually, aren't camels fairly sensible creatures that will roll over and dump a load rather than get broken backs?).

I didn't like the fact that you didn't use the POV character's name at all for an entire paragraph, particularly when you resort to "the group leader" and "he" along with two instances of "his". But that would be a more serious problem with an opening paragraph, as long as the POV has already been properly introduced it isn't a big deal.

And "The Resistance had resorted to more primitive methods, though they appeared to work..." just seems a bit off. It parses out as meaning they had resorted to these methods in spite of the fact that they worked. I think you mean to say the methods seemed to work though they were primitive. Which is a bit of a strange attitude for a military leader (yes, even the leader of a resistance cell) to adopt...soldiers are inherently conservative about "primitive" methods.

I'm guessing that when you introduced the organization of this resistance into cells, you also explained why they have insignia and can openly carry weapons, and if I didn't put down the story then, I wouldn't put it down over the fact that Drake is actually wearing his in this particular situation. Ditto for hiding in a cave and using couriers, for crying out loud. If you've already explained how that jibes with resistance cells, then I won't slap the story down at this point. But frankly I would make these guerrillas rather than cell operatives, if they can use guerrilla tactics.

Or maybe you're illustrating the point at which a movement is crossing the line from being a resistance organized into cells and a guerrilla movement with sufficient support among the populace to abandon most cell tactics and organization. I can't really tell without having read the previous part of the story.

So sure, if I'd read this far, and hadn't put it down already, I'd keep reading. About how many pages into the story is this excerpt, anyway?

"The Resistance had resorted to more primitive methods, though they appeared to work…"

Why is it "though they appeared to work..."? It seems to me it should be, "and they appeared to work...". Though means "despite the fact". Your basically saying, "The Resistance had resorted to more primitive methods, despite the fact they appeared to work...", and they are using them because of the fact they work, not despite it.

I can't think of the word for it (I tried looking up the word I thought it was, and apparently the word I though it was don't spell anything ;-), but the frequent use of ... bugs me. (I thought the word was elipse, because I remembered when I first saw the word, I thought it was eclipse misspelled.) When I got to the second in one paragraph, I noticed it, when I got to the fourth in the second paragraph, it was a bit annoying. The fourth one is really the most forgivable, since it is a quotation of what the courier said. Just a personal preference really.

"“Colonel Drake?” the courier called out tentatively, seeming to gain confidence upon spying his rank insignia."

If the courier didn't know he was a colonel, how did he say the beginning? If the courier already saw it and was gaining confidence, why did he call out tentatively instead of confidently? You have two descriptions in the sentence, one of the courier gaining confidence, the other of him calling out tentatively, and they seem to contradict each other to me. It would make more sense to me to read something along the lines of this: "The courier looked tentative until he spotted Drakes rank, then he seemed to grow more confident and called out, “Colonel Drake?”" But then, I also think that sentence doesn't flow very smoothly. Anyway, just my two cents.

Overall, I like the description of events. I'm assuming this is first 13 and not just a random excerpt because of the title and you asking if we'd keep reading, but the fact that you didn't use his name didn't bug me as I was reading it. I would keep reading (even with the things I already mentioned in it).

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I can't think of the word for it (I tried looking up the word I thought it was, and apparently the word I though it was don't spell anything ;-), but the frequent use of ... bugs me. (I thought the word was elipse, because I remembered when I first saw the word, I thought it was eclipse misspelled.)

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Its form-shifting grip felt reassuring in his hand, as well as the high-pitched whine of a power cell waking up.

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Posted by Survivor:
And by the way, would it kill people to title their topics something other than "First 13 [something]", particularly in a case where it is an excerpt rather than the first 13 lines of the story? We all know that it is supposed to be the first 13 lines, unless you tell us otherwise, that's what we'll assume.

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Actually, 'excerpt' is defined as "a passage or segment taken from a longer work, such as a literary or musical composition, a document, or a film." 'Excerpt' does not literally identify any segment as 'first' or from the 'middle' of a document. I was simply using 'excerpt' as an identifier for the posted 13 lines...I didn't suspect anyone would read that deeply into my makeshift title and/or 'greeting' intro text. Sorry if it confused or excessively annoyed you, Survivor.

These were intended to be the first thirteen lines, and as Survivor pointed out, need to be modified accordingly. It will not be difficult to insert corrections regarding the name of the viewpoint character (Drake) in the first paragraph...some minor descriptive shifts and alterations wouldn't hurt, either. Actually, the period of incognito reference is short when compared to the use of the character's name from the second paragraph on. Of course, that's the part you don't get to see, as well as the section where much of the technology is briefly explained (let me clarify this...the technology is explained to a degree that the reader maintains faith in previous statements without falling into boring depths of technical detail). I'm aware that you can make excuses for most nits found by others, but I'll list some things that I'd already hammered out before posting here (in other words, things I had anticipated being confusing).

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Posted by Survivor:
Anyway, I'm not sure I understand the question. How far into the story is this excerpt?

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This (as explained in my above response) is the beginning of the story...the point where events speed up and build emotional intensity. This is a lead-in to a resistance movement operation. This operation (which happens to be vaguely outlined shortly after line thirteen) is a ‘first’ for the resistance. It was intended by ‘Command’ to be a decisive blow against the entity controlling much of the local planetary system. I hope this answers your question (in part, at the very least).

Next…

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Posted by Survivor:
I'm guessing that when you introduced the organization of this resistance into cells, you also explained why they have insignia and can openly carry weapons, and if I didn't put down the story then, I wouldn't put it down over the fact that Drake is actually wearing his in this particular situation. Ditto for hiding in a cave and using couriers, for crying out loud. If you've already explained how that jibes with resistance cells, then I won't slap the story down at this point. But frankly I would make these guerrillas rather than cell operatives, if they can use guerrilla tactics.

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Okay…the insignia is an identifier for newcomers, a guide during periods of activity in the staging area. The ‘cave’ is merely a point where the ‘freedom’ fighters are preparing for their current mission. You couldn’t know this by reading the first 13 lines, but it is explained that the resistance movement does a lot of moving (no pun intended) to avoid capture. Many of their operations are mobile, which is why I stayed away from describing installed defensive systems and hardwired control networks in the cavern.

There is no mention of the fighters carrying weapons openly (unless you are referring to Drake’s thigh holster), and in the lines after number 13 the group leader is shown donning a concealing duster…I even bothered to mention that it doubled as a means of blending in with the general populace as the duster was currently ‘in style’. As you can see, much would immediately become clear if I could post more than thirteen lines, but that’s not the point of this exercise.

‘Couriers’ are—and this may answer other questions—inconspicuous operatives of the resistance who deliver coded ‘packets’ containing encrypted data cards. Each courier is assigned to one cell only, the better to minimize the risk of a captured messenger betraying the entire network. The packets are coded to a group leader’s thumbprint, and the data chip inside can only be accessed with that leader’s ‘command reader’. So, the use of couriers isn’t exactly as primitive as it first appears, though the system is much less advanced than direct transmission from planet to planet (as I intended Drake to point out…obviously, it did not prove to be as clear as I’d hoped).

Thanks for the comments and analysis, Survivor. Your input is both welcome and greatly appreciated (as it usually makes me think on a deeper level, organizationally speaking).

Next…

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Posted by Sylvan:
…The frequent use of ... bugs me.

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I agree…it bugs me as well. But, seriously, that is something I need to watch out for. I frequently catch myself inserting too many pauses in descriptive lines. I’ll make the necessary changes. Thanks for pointing this one out. On to your next question…

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Posted by Sylvan:
If the courier didn't know he was a colonel, how did he say the beginning? If the courier already saw it and was gaining confidence, why did he call out tentatively instead of confidently? You have two descriptions in the sentence, one of the courier gaining confidence, the other of him calling out tentatively, and they seem to contradict each other to me. It would make more sense to me to read something along the lines of this: "The courier looked tentative until he spotted Drakes rank, then he seemed to grow more confident and called out, “Colonel Drake?”" But then, I also think that sentence doesn't flow very smoothly. Anyway, just my two cents.

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Again, I agree that the courier’s introductory actions are a little clunky. However, I can explain the reasoning for the concept (and use of insignia). First of all, the courier knew he was looking for a colonel by the name of Drake, but he did not know what that colonel looked like. I had originally thought up this explanation as a security measure employed by the resistance in case a courier were captured and interrogated. He’d know a name, but not a face. So, he called out tentatively because the cavern was full of men engaged in preparation (a hive of activity that I obviously did not describe vividly enough), but he gained confidence when he spied Drake’s insignia…which was the reason said rank was worn by the group leader in the first place. Okay, I know that last was a run on sentence, but hopefully you get the gist of it. I think I’ll attempt a rewrite to clear things up a bit. BTW, I did include the fact that he'd take it off upon leaving the cavern, since it would obviously betray him in an encounter with govt. officials. In this case, it functioned as a kind of 'name tag'.

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Posted by Sylvan:
You've already gotten across the fact that our good Colonel Drake is at least a bit of a cynic, is in a bad situation, is cautious, and normally has a facade up, but doesn't mind letting things show through that facade.

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Thank God! At least something is clear in this mess. Thanks for the comments, Sylvan. This kind of feedback will help me get on the road to refining the concepts I’ve already developed.

Onward!

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Posted by EricJamesStone:
The only thing that really bothered me that hasn't yet been mentioned was this:
quote:

Its form-shifting grip felt reassuring in his hand, as well as the high-pitched whine of a power cell waking up.

I'm not talking about the awkward phrasing; I knew what you meant.
If a pulse pistol makes a high-pitched whine before it can be used, then it's a pretty lousy weapon for any kind of stealth situation. You'd want to have your pistol charged and ready before someone gets in earshot, otherwise it could give away your presence or even your position.

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Agreed. But as I mentioned previously, these fighters aren’t in a stealth situation yet. Also, I intended the high pitched whine to be a future incarnation of current weapons technology. When you pull back (and release) the slide of, say, a Glock semiautomatic pistol, it makes a decent amount of noise. Other firearms are even louder. Perhaps I should rewrite the sentence in question with some mention of the rapid and temporary nature of the whine. I was just trying to draw comparisons with present tech (the working of a firearm’s action) and future technology. I had this particular issue thought out almost as soon as I’d written it…honest. That was why I included Drake activating the weapon’s power cell in this manner in the first place. Hope my explanation (a bit wordy, I’ll admit) clears this point up a bit.

Anyway, as I pointed out earlier, many nits can be justified vehemently by the writer. I am not attempting to do this...if there are obvious problems with organization or conceptualization in a story, I'll change it without fuss. I just wanted to point out some of the things that I'd already thought through so as to give some of the more scrutinizing critics a better concept of the story's technology and setup. And that's why you've just sat through a long-winded Q & A session that has probably damaged some remote portion of your optical nerve. Sorry, but I had to get this stuff taken care of (I felt) before posting a revised version. That will be coming shortly. In the meantime, if there are any others who'd like to post on the original first 13, please feel free to do so. I apologize again for the space between my replies. RL has been a little hectic lately, and some things get pushed aside more than I'd like. Thanks again for all of your comments, suggestions, and miscellaneous observations.

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And by the way, would it kill people to title their topics something other than "First 13 [something]", particularly in a case where it is an excerpt rather than the first 13 lines of the story? We all know that it is supposed to be the first 13 lines, unless you tell us otherwise, that's what we'll assume.

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Sorry about the mixup on 'excerpt'. I wasn't just going on the word alone, you also claimed that some of the background of the story would already have been established for the readers by this point, so I assumed that meant this wasn't the opening text. But I guess...well, when you implied that a reader would already have some background and an established POV before reading this part you must have been tired, you mention that later.

Okay, getting back to some plausibility points...I agree that it is highly plausible that any weapon capable of delivering a lethal or disabling charge will naturally make some noise when being readied for action. It is even desirable in certain situations, such as when intimidation is the desired effect rather than a stealthy kill, or just as a sort of user feedback to enhance safety.

The technology background didn't bother me...I keep things at the user level myself. It's the best policy, even in "hard" SF, you just choose users with more fundamental access to the technology as your POV characters.

Okay, about a resistance movement being organized into cells...I think you're missing the point. In a cell, only the leader of the cell ever contacts anyone in the resistance outside his cell. That means if a courier were used, he would be explicitly instructed not to meet with anyone other than the leader, and that means he would stay the hell away from any place the rest of the cell members would be...like a staging area (get to that in a moment). Also, the courier would know the contact's face and something of his personality, they would meet and discuss things privately in the open, so to speak. Neither would ever carry "spy gear" like weapons or coded data chips unless it were essential to the mission or to the cover. And the insignia...that just makes no sense.

Inconspicuous operatives are inconspicuous because they have lots of experience and native talent for spycraft. They are not flunkies. And the data chip/reader scheme you describe...it is like posting a photo of the cell leader with the caption "Resistance Cell Leader" and then requiring the man to carry an item that would prove the truth of said assertion.

Carrying weapons openly...I'm going to assert that concealing a weapon effectively isn't as simple as throwing a duster over it. The combination of high technology with the police state...look, a guerrilla movement and a resistance cell are too very different entities, they cannot interchange tactics easily.

Staging a mission out of a cave is even more foolish. First off, it is much easier to conceal the sort of activities cells can stage out of "covered" locations. I can't imagine a cover for a bunch of armed men gathering in a cave that would pass scrutiny on paper, let alone whatever methods of information collection this goverment uses. Those men are all now marked out as resistance fighters. If the civil liberties of this society are so entrenched that the government can't just round these guys up and shoot them, I have no idea why they are bothering with a resistance at all. If not, then they are walking dead men.

The original passage inspired no confidence in my mind that you had a firm grip on the technical aspects of what makes a "cell" effective for resistance fighters, everything about your explanation tends to confirm my worst fears. Use some common sense, do some research. Remember, resistance operatives are criminals to the society they resist. Think of them as dedicated lawbreakers, and much will become clear. Look into some information on how actual resistance cells and spy rings have worked historically.

[BTW, Sylvan, I switched the use of ellipsis to dashes. I was using the current symbols before I tried out ellipsis and I think I’m going to revert back to dashes, if only for this story.]

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Footsteps echoed down a dimly lit passage as the fighters readied their weapons—a message runner was on time, for once. Drake pulled back the activation slide of his pulse pistol. The weapon’s form-shifting grip was reassuring in his hand. He looked across the room at the approaching courier, his gaze focusing on the younger man’s message pouch. They’d been forced to refrain from using the communications grid at least a year ago. The growing resistance movement had resorted to slower methods, which appeared to function—for the moment.

The runner threaded his way through the crowd, wordlessly extending a familiar object. Drake slid the pistol into a holster at the small of his back and let a smile crack his grim façade as he accepted the dispatch. He dismissed the silent courier with a nod and pressed his right thumb to the container’s smooth gray surface. The pouch was half as thick as his little finger and small enough to conceal, if necessary. He felt a prick as the packet’s security system took a DNA sample—the things were more sophisticated than they looked. Drake knew that a rejection of his genetic ‘code’ would trigger the incineration of both himself and half his men. He sincerely hoped the courier hadn’t picked up the wrong package.

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And yes, I can understand why this scene could be considered 'utterly stupid.' I have contemplated throwing it out and starting fresh, but I'd like to get one more opinion from a relative of mine. She has been editing my work for several years and is very knowledgeable (she professionally edits medical journals and is qualified in the realm of fiction as well).

I'm not going to argue with you over stupidity, Survivor, since that will not get this story or myself anywhere but frustrated.