posted
Astyanax was falling. The crickets had ceased their irritating chant, and the stench of flame was in the air. Astyanax fell, hair lashing out behind him, still entertaining the stupid thought that he hoped his hair wasn’t on fire. Troy, his home, from whose walls he had dropped, was being burned and raped by Greeks. The massive army of Troy had been asleep, drunken and lethargic with a deadly arrogance that spoke of ignorance.
Astyanax had seen it happen, the soldiers emerging from the wooden horse. They had dropped from the idol like fleas from a mongrel and had proceeded to slaughter the sentries. Astyanax had shook himself to make sure he knew what he was seeing was not a hallucination, then shouted for his mother…
posted
Overall: Good use of charater and setting, with small errors(could grow to very big problems).
Problem: Ok, at first he's falling, then you go into a speil about his home of Troy. Also, the second sentence is too confusing, "entertaining the stupid thought that he hoped his hair wasn’t on fire." Is he in a dream? If so there should be more hints to his dream state.
A few things that hit me when I was reading this piece that might help you: first, you've got 8 sentences here, four of which start with the "Astyanax [verb]" construction-- which will stand out to the reader. I wasn't sure if you were doing it on purpose. If that is the case, I felt like you might have taken it into account in the paragraph organization-- sentence starts feel like another one of those stylistic things that should either blend into the background of your prose or stand out in sharp relief.
I agree with the previous comment that the "entertaining the stupid thought that he hoped his hair wasn’t on fire" might be problematic; I felt like it might be because the rest of your syntax and diction points so far towards the high (nearing on purple-prose) end of the spectrum, and "stupid thoughts" and hair on fire may push it a bit towards the slapstick feel.
As a reader, I also had problems following the verbs-- if this is at the beginning of a work, it might be easier for the reader to get accustomed to one place and time before sliding them around. The scene with the soldiers dropping from the horse is vivid, and I don't feel like it would lose anything by being presented before the burning of Troy-- it might even heighten the tension.
That said, I feel like this piece has potential. You're using vivid verbs here, which is great, and it's an interesting piece set in an interesting background.
posted
Okay, Overall I liked the beginning. I agree with the point about him wondering if his hair was on fire. It seems out of place here and doesn't fit.
I'd like more description about the men swarming out of the horse. The imagary there has real potential.
I also had trouble with the sentence pertaining to him being dropped from the wall. Again, it felt awkward.
posted
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."
Are you looking for readers or just a crit of the first thirteen? How long is the work thus far? What genre, or is that yet known to you?
Anyway, in the abscence of such information, I will go just on what you have. So far, this is looking like a sort of alternate history, where Astyanax escapes from the destruction of Troy.
For an event that famous, and a person who is listed in any good dictionary, you aren't going to need any sheer exposition.
quote:Troy, his home, from whose walls he had dropped, was being burned and raped by Greeks. The massive army of Troy had been asleep, drunken and lethargic with a deadly arrogance that spoke of ignorance. Astyanax had seen it happen, the soldiers emerging from the wooden horse. They had dropped from the idol like fleas from a mongrel and had proceeded to slaughter the sentries.
Cut all of this.
Just tell us that Astyanax is falling from the walls of Troy. Nuff said. You don't even have to tell us he is falling twice. The title, combined with Astyanax's name and the fact that he is falling from the burning walls of Troy, this tells us all we need to know.
Okay, now forget what I just said. Don't just tell us Astyanax is falling...describe it. Use that page space you'll save by quitting with the exposition (unecessary, in this case) and give the reader a sense of this fall.
And finally, don't cut to a flashback within your first thirteen...yeah, yeah, yeah, but most editors and many readers won't bother to turn to the next page of a manuscript that does that. Here you have a kid falling off the walls of his burning home, possibly on fire and certainly not expecting to land on a bed of feathers, and so right now you decide to have a flashback, which is probably going to be for the sake of exposition.
Or you're about to do a Jacob's Ladder thing where he has a long flashback through the history of the Trojan War from his own perspective, and then he dies after hitting the ground headfirst because he was so busy having a flashback (by the way, expect your readers to have some idea of the actual height of the walls of Troy).
Whatever. Flashbacks are bad, unless they are real to the character...that is, the character is experiencing a flashback.
quote:The crickets had ceased their irritating chant
I am a discription man. I leave grammar to others. The idea of crickets irritating anyone when your home is being pillaged and women raped is beyond me. I know how irritating crickets can be and I certainly don't blame you for including it but I think cutting this section and adding "and" would be better.
quote:Astyanax had seen it happen, the soldiers emerging from the wooden horse. They had dropped from the idol like fleas from a mongrel and had proceeded to slaughter the sentries.
This was very nice and vivid. Great work here.
quote:deadly arrogance
Two things come to mind. Arrogance is not deadly and deadly is an unnecessary word. Shows promise. The above is my opinion and may be worth every cent you paid for it. Jerry
Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2004
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