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I'm looking for a few readers to comment on a 4500-word science fiction story. Thanks in advance!
--------- "All I Want for Christmas..."
My mother cried when I lost my first tooth. It fell out in my hand at my best friend Alana’s sixth birthday party, right after she blew out the candles. I was scared at first, because Mom never cried. By the time Alana started to open her presents, Mom had stopped crying, so I decided I didn’t need to worry too much. I was too excited to think much about it, anyway. I had just discovered I could feel the tip of the new tooth with my tongue. A dozen years later, I saw that same tooth smiling back at me from a magazine on my roommate Olivia’s desk.
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Very good. No major writing problems as far as style-u need to make the narator more distinct, more of a personality... I am also intrigued as to the recently introduced Olivia? Why in all creation would she carry the narrator's tooth around? Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2004
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A time jump like that threw me off guard. I'm not sure how to execute a good one but somehow it ... didn't work well for me. Am I the only one that doesn't like a five line prologue and then, without warning, being thrown twelve years into the future?
Posts: 295 | Registered: May 2003
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I read it as background to the real beginning rather than as a time skip. (To be honest, I didn't notice it. It's flashbacks in the first thirteen lines that I find confusing.)
Posts: 253 | Registered: Jan 2004
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I got the image of a sort of collector's thing. People collect celebrity gum why not teeth. It sound creepy but fun. Now I want to know how wrong or Right I am. Good job.
Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Sounds like a fun opener (you might want to address the issue of how many people were confused as to which tooth was smiling back at her? from the magazine cover). 4500 words works for me.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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I'll be working on a rewrite as soon as I've gotten back comments from the people I've already sent it to. Could I interest some of the rest of you in taking a look when that's done?
I've already received one very helpful critique of the whole story, so I know I will need to make some changes, but I don't want to start until I get feedback from the other people currently reading.
Thanks to everyone, both those who have commented on the lines here and those who have expressed interest in the whole thing.
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