I was born Countess Tess D'Avignon, single heir to Count Gaston D'Avignon, a once-great man who led armies and protected castle and land for our king. The only one my father leads now is me; I'm the last to believe in him since the Norsemen came, ravaging the coast as they headed for Rouen. In the span of a few hours I lost my home, my betrothed and my mother. I'd have lost my father, too - to grief - if not for his fanatic belief in a long-lost flame. This flame was supposedly lit by the hand of Christ during the Last Supper, and then carried from Jerusalem into Syria where it has been kept burning inside a warren of caves, a continuous bubble of blackish liquid feeding its fire for centuries. My father believes this flame holds hope. I do not.

Out of love and pity I've followed him here to this place of doom in the desert. I know we shouldn't have come. I feel the dread sluice through me. But I stay. My father wants me to steal this flame. For him, I'll do anything; use my witchcraft...even fall from grace if I must.

***

Above are the first 13 lines of my paranormal romance, THE FLAME AND THE FROST. Set in A.D. 885 during the Viking Age, the story takes place against the backdrop of Scandinavia, the Far East, and the mystical places of Norse cosmology.

Due to this eternal flame that the heroine, Tess, steals, the mystical places of the Norse are disrupted and Ragnarök (the Norse version of Armageddon) will soon begin unless the flame is returned to its rightful place along the bridge of Bifröst (which to the Norse is the bridge to Heaven).

But in order for a mortal to reach this place, he or she must first die.

Other roadblocks to Tess's success are the light and dark elves of Norse mythology that are either unleashed or beckoned by her stealing of this flame (each one wants to claim it for their own purpose), plus the hero, Jorgen, who is a Rus Viking who believes he is dying and is in search of a healer. (He has traveled into Särkland in search of a cure, trading along Viking routes as he goes.)

Because of her witchcraft, Tess is branded a healer while in the desert. She ends up in a caravan mart after stealing the flame and is sold to Jorgen who buys her only because he believes she can heal him. He's her roadblock in getting the flame where it needs to be.

By the end of the novel, Jorgen willingly goes to his death once he realizes Tess will sacrifice herself to save the world from Ragnorak - a tragedy *she* began by stealing the flame, and one she intends to end by giving her own life.

Do you think these first 13 lines are intriguing enough? Have I started out with a "point of no return" for my protagonist?

Q: Why does a flame lit by Christ have any import for the Norse gods?

A: In my story, I use Loki, who is one of the giants in Norse mythology who was once befriended by the gods but then doomed by one of them because of his trickster ways. He then became an enemy of the Norse gods and was chained to a rock, with a serpent dripping poison above him, with the fate of not being freed until Ragnarök.

Loki, from what I’ve read, was always a trickster, trying to out-think others. So...I decided to use him in my story, and utilize his urge for bringing on the end of time, since he’ll be freed when that happens.

In my story, lots of mortals have been searching for this Final Flame. Knowing this, Loki encourages a light elf to steal the flame of Bifröst (Loki can’t do it himself because he's chained to that rock until Armageddon begins -- but he *does* have visitors and he tries to incite them to do his deeds for him.)

One visitor is a light elf named Allon. Allon is bored and looking for excitement. Loki feeds on this. He encourages Allon to take the Bifrost flame and then hide it by merging it with the Final Flame in the mortal world. (Loki knows that doing this will will bring on Armageddon in the Norse world of cosmology. In essence, Loki is trying to create real trouble for the Norse gods - this is his way of getting revenge, plus getting himself freed. As for Allon, he takes on this challenge because he's actually a good character bordering on evil; he likes being mischievous, and might even like being pure evil. This will be his first test.) Allon and his friends/followers, however, become trapped in the cave when Allon merges the Bifrost flame with the powerful mortal flame.

Q: Why is Tess responsible for the upcoming Ragnarök, if the flame is supposed to be along the bridge of Bifröst, but she stole it from someplace in Syria?

A: See above...plus, Tess really does think she's stealing only the flame her father described. All of her troubles begin because this flame has been merged with the Bifrost flame. The moment Tess touches the wick of her ceramic lamp to the Final Flame, she unwittingly releases all the trapped beings. Essentially, she separated the Final Flame and the Bifröst flame. The Final Flame stayed in the crevice of rock, while the Bifröst flame now burns in the lamp she carries.

Now that the flame has been disturbed, the fires of Bifröst slowly burn out, feeding their energies into Tess's lamp. The bridge begins to cool and freeze. Soon it will become ice and will shatter, and Ragnarök will begin – unless Tess and Jorgen can restore the flame to Bifröst. But in order for either of them to reach this bridge to heaven, he or she must first die.

Q: What "purposes" could the light and dark elves of Norse mythology have, in the face of the upcoming Ragnarök? (I could see other elves, who didn't believe in the Norse mythos, maybe thinking they could get some advantage from it, but the Norse ones ought to know better.) (On the other hand, I don't really know what Ragnarök entails, or how the elves will fare at the end of it. But I had to ask.)

A: You’re right -- the Norse ones *ought* to know better than getting caught up in this trouble!

As for what Ragnarök entails...according to what I've read in Norse mythology, Ragnarök is the end of time, when the frost and fire giants meet together on the battlefield of Vigrid to fight the gods and destroy the worlds. At this time, Bifröst, which the Norse believe is the bridge to heaven and is covered with flame, will shatter. All the gods, giants and monsters will die, the worlds will burn (destroying mankind), and then be covered by water.

In my book, Allon has been encouraged by Loki to steal the flame that lights the entryway of Bifröst and feeds the fire that burns along this bridge. Allon is told by Loki to hide the flame in a cave in the desert where the Final Flame of the mortal world has been kept burning since the Last Supper; this is Allon's test by Loki.

The "bad" guys in the book (other than Loki and his wolf) are Allon and his followers who are merely young/bored/mischievous light elves who really should know better. But they don’t. And as the story progresses, Allon decides he likes wreaking havoc in the mortal world, and he likes the idea of the mystical places of the Norse being poised on the edge of Ragnarök. To have everything in such a spot - because of him - pleases Allon and makes him feel powerful. He'd never felt powerful while in Alfheim. He'd only felt ordinary there. Here, in the mortal world, with Ragnarök a possibility, he feels extraordinarily supreme. He doesn't like that his twin sister, Aislinn (who loves him above all things), has followed him. Right now, all he wants is to get the flame from Tess. Doing so is his sole purpose.

As for the other elves who matter in the story, there are a few (and I hope I've made their reasons for getting involved in this good reasons...)

Svan the Shape-Changer – Svan is of mixed race; his father was an Elf born of a Dark (svartalfar) Elf and a liosalfar Elf, and his mother was a landvaettir, or land spirit. He is a being who has never called any single place home.

His mixed heritage, while setting him apart from all others, has imbued him with the ability of shape changing from his mother's landvaettir ancestors, and the magic of his father's Elfen families. Mysterious and resourceful, he was once a member of the border patrol whose duty it was to keep the world of the mortals and the mystical places of the Norse separate. When the leader of this group became a pawn of Loki, Svan left the patrol knowing that poison had invaded its ranks and no one could be trusted.

Svan then formed his own group, which became known as the Renegade Rangers. The Rangers are an elite force of mixed-race Elves. They are soldiers-for-hire and mercenaries when need be. Svan has become legendary; males want to emulate him and females want to become his next lover, but there is only one true love in Svan's heart. She is Aislinn, a liosalfar of high birth who was betrothed on the day of her christening to an Elfen prince whom she must soon marry. Her twin brother, Allon, stole the flame of Bifröst. Fearing for his safety, Aislinn has secretly sought out Svan and asked him to find Allon and bring him home.

Svan knows he can never have the lovely Aislinn...but he also knows he will spend every day of the rest of his life watching over her. He tells her he will find Allon and bring him to her...and he will - no matter the cost to his own self or to others.

The Seventh Daughter of Evening (Eve) – Eve, darkly beautiful, schooled in the power of healing, is a svartalfar Elf whose father is a great warrior and whose mother was a healer. Her father indulged her every whim, encouraging her interests in archery and tactical planning, while her mother taught her the healing gifts as well as the power of femininity.

Eve is a sensual being who follows her own path. She yearns to become a member of the elite Renegade Rangers led by Svan, though no female has ever been admitted. She travels the lands astride her black, winged unicorn, taking on dangerous missions in order to prove her worth to Svan. She admires Svan, and is also physically attracted to him even though she knows of his love for Aislinn, whom Eve views as being weak and nothing more than pretty. Eve believes that Aislinn is unworthy of Svan's eternal devotion, and thinks that his love for Aislinn is the one weakness that will get him killed. As Svan goes in search of Allon, Eve follows, unwilling to admit to herself that *he* is her weakness.

In following Svan on his quest, she discovers Tess in the caves. Eve gives to Tess the ability to heal so that Tess can save her father. But Tess is dragged out of the caves before she even realizes that her father has been mortally wounded. (It is this gift from Eve that helps Tess save Jorgen's life at the end of the book once he delivers the flame to Bifrost.)

Aislinn – Aislinn is the tragic character of the book. She's a pampered, soon-to-be-princess of the liosalfar. The one stain in her world is her twin brother, Allon. He’s chosen not to come home, but instead stay in the land of the mortals, wrecking havoc. Aislinn firmly believes her brother is not a bad Elf, just a misguided one. She yearns to have him back home in Alfheim.

Aislinn met Svan when she was very young, on a night when she followed her brother to the borders of Alfheim. Svan was a member of the border patrol then, and it was because of his quick thinking and fast action that Aislinn and Allon were not harmed.

Svan, with shape-changing abilities, will materialize in Aislinn’s life when she least expects it, forever saving her from a scrape or mishap. She trusts only Svan to bring Allon back home, and she asks him to go in search of her brother.

SO...Svan gets involved because of Aislinn, who got involved because of Allon, and Eve gets involved because of Svan, but meets Tess and admires her and wants to help her....

More than you wanted to know, yes?

However, the next paragraph is a very serious bit of exposition, which slows everything right back down. It's all interesting information, yet I'm not invested enough to really want to absorb it.

I think I would be more engaged it you moved to a scene in the second paragraph, showing the theift, and filter the exposition info in as the theift progesses. I would give me more time to get to know the character, and give you an oportunity to show the relationship between Tess and her father.

Answering plot question has me realizing I've got everything in here but, well, the kitchen sink, so to speak (!). So...I'm digging back into it - again.

You don't have to answer this here. Just make sure you have a good explanation.

I actually went about this all wrong, I know. I was supposed to comment on the excerpt on its own merits. I guess, though, that this is an example of why additional information should not be included with the excerpt. Unless, of course, the additional information was actually what you wanted comments on, in which case the excerpt itself probably shouldn't have been included.

What's happening with the bridge begins the moment Allon first takes the flame. That's supposed to be my "ticking clock" in the story.

And yes, telling this huge story just through Tess's POV is going to be a challenge, but I'm deep into it and I'm okay with how the story is going - she learns the intent of others through dialogue & actions they take, plus makes assumptions (that aren't always correct) which lead her to actions that complicate things but also help her to figure more things out, etc.

Since others have posted on the overall plot elements, I'll just post the thoughts that come to mind as I read the 13 lines (in brackets).

I was born Countess Tess D'Avignon,[redunant sounding.. Too many "tess's". I'd rewrite as "Tess D'Avignon, Countess of ??"] single heir to Count Gaston D'Avignon, a once-great [don't like once-great. Might want to imply by changing the tense of the upcoming verbs to past tense -- i.e. "who had led"] man who led armies and protected castle and land for our king. The only one my father leads now is me; [Now, the only one...] I'm the last to believe in him since the Norsemen came, ravaging the coast as they headed for Rouen. [new para?] In the span of a few hours I lost my home, my betrothed and my mother. I'd have lost my father, too - to grief - [too, to. redundant sounding.] if not for his fanatic [fanatical?] belief in a long-lost flame. [sounds like a lost lover. re-describe] This flame was supposedly lit by the hand of Christ during the Last Supper, and then carried from Jerusalem into Syria where it has been kept burning [is said to burn] inside a warren of caves, a continuous bubble of blackish liquid feeding its fire for centuries. [unclear. where does the liquid come from? what is it burning? a lamp? a candle? torch?] My father believes this [the] flame holds hope. I do not.

Out of love and pity I've followed him here to this place of doom in the desert. [Nice!]I know we shouldn't have come. I feel the dread sluice through me. [awkward] But I stay. My father wants me to steal this [the]flame. For him, I'll do anything; use my witchcraft...even fall from grace if I must.

In general, I liked this. With some corrections I would have kept reading. Also, perhaps if you gave the 'flame' a name and refered to it as that, it would have a greater impact as an artifact.

Hope this helps! -- Nice writing....

Alias, I started with that sentence because I wanted (what I thought) was a powerful one...but then I had all this other stuff to tell, and slipped into my ridiculous mix of tense. (Ouch!)

Jim, a new member, welcome - and thank you, thank you for the great rewrite! Much better. (You're good!)

Using the present tense in the first line of a first person story establishes the first scene as being chronologically after everything else that occurs in the story.

No, I'm not making this up.

Anyway, in the story you describe, the opening scene takes place before the major part of the action that involves this character.

quote:

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Present tense alert!
Using the present tense in the first line of a first person story establishes the first scene as being chronologically after everything else that occurs in the story.

No, I'm not making this up.

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From what I read, I thought that was the intention. But looking back at the plot description I see I was probably wrong.

This is a very traditional form: "I'm writing this now because this is about to happen. Here's how we ended up in this mess."

Will be looking for Hobb's work... I'd tried *not* writing this story idea in 1st person, but found I was struggling with every word. When I switched to 1st person, it was easier for me to tell the story.

quote:

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In the span of a few hours I lost my home, my betrothed and my mother.

---

I really want to find out about this battle-- and what exactly happened to Tess' mother and betrothed.

By chapter 3 the reader & Jorgen learn what happened to Tess's mother and betrothed (Luc).

Tess's attraction to Jorgen upsets her & causes lots of conflict between these characters. Luc was her first love, and what they shared was gentle/sweet/all youngish. Jorgen will be her adult love, and with that comes all those roiling emotions and deep-driving desires. So, she'll grow as a character because of her feelings for Jorgen.

It was Danish Vikings who attacked her home. She doesn't distinguish between Norsemen, just fears/loathes them all, and that Jorgen is a Rus Viking, not a Dane, doesn't matter to her - he's Norse, and that's what she hates.

For Jorgen, he thinks Tess's fear/loathing of him are because of his malady (all through the book he feels he is dying; something is eating away at him but he doesn't know what it is, and *this* is the reason he buys her as his slave because he thinks she, with her witchcraft, can heal him. This is the first time he's ever traded for a human slave. It goes against his grain because *he* was a slave once to the Danes when he was a young boy; he knows the humiliation of it & has promised himself he'll never do that to another human being. But...he's desperate to be healed, so he barters for Tess.)

Anyway, the reason he doesn't "feel right" is because he's actually the walking dead, so to speak. He should have died on a battlefield near Constantinople, but a Norn (one of 3 in Norse mythology who are the "weavers of a man's life" - they control time, fate & destiny) took a liking to Jorgen. Her name is Skuld, and she's a horse-riding warrior maiden who swarms the battlefields on Odin's Wild Hunt, searching for the bravest of the fallen warriors to transport to Valhalla. She tore apart the weave of Jorgen's life by not taking him to Valhalla - where he *should* have gone - but instead allowing him to remain on earth. Now he's this tortured character who doesn't know why he feels the way he feels. He's searching for a cure, to feel "alive" again.

Svan will kill Jorgen at the end of the book - something Jorgen wants to have happen since *somebody* has to get the flame back to where it should be and he's not about to let Tess make that sacrifice. So once he dies his fate is now complete. It's only because of Eve's Elfen magic that Tess can bring him back to life - a better life now because he's no longer the walking dead sort that he was, but has a new fate/destiny.