My name is Jim and this is my first post here. The following is the first 13 lines from the introduction (a short short story in and of itself) to a book of stories I am writing -- all based in and around the city of Camn Caidon. The intent of this piece is to give the reader some background information up front.
Now, I'm off to review some of yours! Thanks in advance!
Jim
Introduction
A loud rap echoed down the hall. Once. Twice. Three times. An old man in a flowing red robe stood before an ironbound door, a gnarled staff held firmly in one hand. He had long wispy white hair and a dash of a beard, which hung in a thin braid from his chin. Earlwain the wizard shook his head and rapped the door once more with his staff.
“My lord, it is time for your studies.”
“Go away,” a muffled voice said from behind the door. “I’m not in the mood for schooling today.”
“But my lord, what would your father say? You know the Lord Protector has little patience for truancy.”
“I don’t care what he’ll say,” the voice said. “I wish to go hunting this morning and have already sent for my gear. You can come back tomorrow.”
“My lord, you must have your lesson this morning. Do you wish the Lord Protector to think I am shirking my duty as your tutor?”
There was a moment of silence and then the voice replied, “I don’t care. I want to go hunting.”
Earlwain sighed and raised his staff. He moved it in a curious, snakelike fashion before the door and whispered a single word. “Eavun.” A sudden wind rushed into the hall and swirled around the door. With a crack, the door split down the center. Earlwain pushed aside the sundered pieces and stepped into the room.
[This message has been edited by jabbiati (edited May 19, 2004).]
Its an interesting opening, giving the impression of a long-suffering tutor and an unco-operative student. I only have a couple of niggles:
"An old man in a flowing red robe" - perhaps it would be better to have his name and profession up front (although the robe implies it a bit). Also whose point of view is this from? If Earlwain's, would he describe what he's wearing etc.
The exchange with the student - is there any way to give info on his general age? Initially he sounds older but he is still being tutored and is still beholden to his father, so he can't be that old (unless there's a social reason for this).
But on the whole, I'd keep reading.
Hope this helps Ruth
oh, you added more - gives a better overview of both characters but we've still no name for the student which would irk me a bit. He sounds a bit whingy and I wouldn't want to risk annoying Earlwain - maybe the student should show some more hesitency if the wizard has this sort of power? [This message has been edited by RFLong (edited May 19, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited May 19, 2004).]
posted
I had a bit of trouble figuring out how many lines is actually 13. Is it 13 sentences? 13 lines is totally based on font size, monitor or paper width, etc. I re-posted it based on what comes across as 13 lines on my monitor. Hense, a few more 'lines' comes up.
quote:A loud rap echoed down the hall. Once. Twice. Three times. An old man in a flowing red robe stood before an ironbound door, a gnarled staff held firmly in one hand. He had long wispy white hair and a dash of a beard, which hung in a thin braid from his chin. Earlwain the wizard shook his head and rapped the door once more with his staff.
Okay, this is what I get--and remember, I'm UnheardOf, The Easily Confused: First I'm hearding the echo of knocks from a relatively long way off, then "zoom" I see this guy with robes at a door. I didn't immediately suppose that Earlwain (nice name, btw) was the guy in the robes. You could start with the last sentence there and I'd be happy.
I would like to know I little more about the stinker behind the door. You give a good image of the power of the wizard, but I agree with RF about annoying him. Either this kid(?) is a moron or he is absolutely confident that he'll suffer no harm from the wizard.
posted
Well, thanks! I guess that worked. The 'subjective story' of the intro is the maturing of the 'stinker' behind the door. At the end, he finally realizes he has to accept responsibility. Also, he is the heir apparent, and is therefore is not too afraid of the wizard.
I think your right on the echoes. It depends on whether or not you see the echoes coming to you or away from you. Not good. Here is the re-write, along with a few other fixes.
****
A loud rap echoed within the hall. Once. Twice. Three times.
“My lord, it is time for your studies.”
Earlwain stood before an ironbound door, a gnarled staff held firmly in one hand. The door smelled of freshly cut wood, and its sweet odor filled the hall. He twisted a dash of white beard that hung from his chin in a thin braid. Time passed. Finally, he shook his head and rapped the door once more with his staff.
[This message has been edited by jabbiati (edited May 19, 2004).]
posted
I agree with all the above comments, but I really want to emphasize putting Earlwain's name up front. As it is, the reader cannot possibly know, while reading the spoken words, who is doing the speaking. Even after you introduce Earlwain, it's not clear. I don't mean the reader can't figure it out, I mean the reader has to figure it out, which pulls said reader out of the story. I'm going to copy your starting lines below and make minimal changes affecting only this point.
quote:Earlwain stood before the ironbound door,and rapped it with his staff. Once. Twice. Three times. Echoes reverberated down the hall. “My lord, it is time for your studies.”
He waited, his gnarled staff held firmly in one hand. The door smelled of freshly cut wood, and its sweet odor filled the hall. He twisted a dash of white beard that hung from his chin in a thin braid. Time passed. Finally, he shook his head and rapped the door once more.
Also, as my daughter pointed out to me, the first line as you have it is a bit of a POV violation. "A loud rap echoed . . ." is not the way the character doing the rapping would think of this. You're also skirting with this when you describe his beard, although if you mean that he's twisting his beard into a braid, rather than that it hangs from his chin in a braid, you can probably get away with it.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited May 20, 2004).]
posted
I agree with Rick. The slight modifications he made maintained what you've got but made it clearer.
I like the addition of the "fresh wood," although why it's fresh won't become clearer to the reader until a little later. Obviously this is not the first time the wizard has broken it down. One might even suspect it is a regular occurance.
I do enjoy what you've got here, and I would be happy to read more.
I'd love to hear your comments on the full peice... your initial comments on just the first 13 lines were VERY helpful! The introduction is about 1750 words. How do you all usually go about doing full critiques?
posted
I'll look at it. Just send an attachment by e-mail (which is in my profile). Say "Hatrack story" in the subject line so I don't throw it away when I don't recognize the return address.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
OK, the fresh wood comment does help with the last sentence a little bit. BUT, if he's a wizard, why does he have to break the door in two to begin with? It seems a little melodramatic--overkill. Why can't he just open it? Or step through it? Or???
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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