posted
I realized that in my life, I've never written anything in omniscient viewpoint. I've been curious about this POV for some time, and I want to know if I am even capable of writing in it. So I'm going to make up a couple of paragraphs, first in my natural style (third person limited) and then try to put it in omni. If anyone else wants to, I don't mind sharing this thread for others to practice, or you can just tell me how you think I did.
***
Helen loved this time of year, when the flowers blossomed into a myriad of sweet-smelling colors. The flowers smelled like power, and from their essence came the promise of everlasting life. She smiled as she reached for a particularly luscious rose, which drew back without the aid of wind or water. The futile movement of the rose thrilled her, and added to the pleasure she would soon experience.
***
The garden basked in the warmth of the May sun, as all manner of roses, tulips, dandelions, and daisies proudly opened their buds for all to see. The princess should have come to greet them that morning, but instead a dark shadow fell upon them in the form of an old woman, cloaked in black. Helen was her name, and as she approached the roses, a wicked smile appeared on her face. She reached out for the most beautiful rose in the bunch, which backed away without the aid of wind or water. Helen smiled more broadly, knowing it could not escape, but thrilled by its attempt.
posted
Well, it was hard to really get very much from a paragraph. Nothing was jarring, though, and so I'd take that as a good sign.
I was very interested in where you were going with the story, though, and so I found myself not paying attention to the style -- which is a very good sign
posted
Taken individually, the two paragraphs seem okay. Knowing they're about the same person/scene, though, is a problem. Helen reads like two different people. In the first there's no witchy feel to Helen as there is in the second. It wasn't necessary to leave out of the first some of the details the second has. For instance, the first Helen could have named the different flowers or reflected on the absence of the princess while being true to the third person POV. Omniscient may give the writer more latitude with all the facts of a story, but that doesn't mean third is a second-class cousin.
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
Helen loved this time of year, when the flowers blossomed into a myriad of sweet-smelling colors.
totally thrown by this. sounds my my aunt helen the gardner. would a power mad witch really care how the flowers smelt? i liked the second paragragh though.
either way, i think its a great excercise, to rewrite stuff in a different pov just to compare the sounds.
posted
Yeah...the first version lacks...words. You gave the omni version about 20% more in the way of information and description...and words
But yes, you did it right. Notice that that garden is given equal consideration with the character. Of course, this is an animated garden. But the point is that the POV is above trivial distinctions between what is or is not a person. Note also that Helen's wickedness is accepted as a matter of fact, as is her pleasure in wicked actions. Yet the narrator has no attitude towards the fact of Helen's wickedness.
CG is right about that first line of the 3PLO version. It clearly implies that Helen belongs in this particular garden at this particular time. I wouldn't go as far as Kolona in saying that she isn't witchy...but the sense is clearly that it is her garden, but she is correct in her assertion that you neglected the first version (or, which is more likely, you overworked the second).
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